Quarantine and Chill: Movies on Demand
Well, it’s going to be some time before you actually go into a movie theater and spend part of your life savings on a giant tub of popcorn. Although some major releases have been stupidly pushed back, many movie studios announced this past week that they’re bringing the films directly to you through movies on demand.
What was once thought as the kiss of death for an acting career or just another one of Billy Zane’s movies is now going to be what saves the film industry.
Of course, your home may not have that IMAX experience, but look at the bright side: you can now go to the movies braless and sit in a chair devoid of grease stains that definitely didn’t come from a tub of buttered popcorn. I think we all win in this scenario.
Early Release VOD
These films were already coming to DVD/streaming, but studios want your money now and they know you have all the time in the world.
The Rise of Skywalker
On the one hand, I’m still reeling over the ending of this film. On the other hand, any movie that gives me Adam Driver spinning a lightsaber while soaking wet will have all my money.
Little Women
Watch this and remind yourself that this year’s Academy Awards and their blatant snub of director Greta Gerwig was just some of the biggest bullshit of 2020.
Jumanji: The Next Level
Never seeing its predecessor, I didn’t know there was even a next level.
Still In Theaters VOD
For those imbeciles naysayers who still think the coronavirus is a hoax, these films are still in theaters. Good luck to you. For the rest of us who will actually want to live, these films are also just a click away.
Bloodshot
Like you were ever going to see this movie in the theaters, Outlander fans.
Now’s your chance to see Sam Heughan and his fake Bostonian/Minnesotan/West Virginian/You-fill-in-the-random-Americana-location accent, blowing shit up and saying Academy Award winning dialog like, “I’m gonna love this part.” Best of Bloodshot coming to on-demand? You get to fast-forward to all the Sam parts. The film will probably be five minutes.
Emma
By the time you’ve read this, we’ve all ordered Emma and most likely watched it twice. No shame in our Jane Austen game.
Premiering on VOD
Sure, big budget films’ release dates are being “reassessed,” but at least one film realized that if they couldn’t get a key demographic present in the theaters, they would take it directly to them…and to their parents.
Trolls World Tour
Parents, you are probably saying to yourself right now, “Teachers need raises and be allowed to drink in the classroom.” In an effort to save your sanity, DreamWorks is releasing Trolls World Tour directly to on-demand, giving you the chance to use the film as “enriching learning opportunities.”
Need to work on comprehension and inference? “Tell me what just happened and what you think will happen if that troll starts to sing?” Does your child need PE minutes? Have them dance each time a song plays and watch them exhaust themselves at the end of the film (Don’t forget to include the end credit music). What about some math? “If mommy drank one 8 ounce glass of wine at the beginning of the movie, and then another two 8 ounce glasses throughout the movie, how many glasses of wine will be left in this 100 ounce box of wine?”
Educator of the Year.
