Quarantine and Chill: Give Us Streaming James Bond, You Cowards

On March 4th, MGM announced they were delaying release of the latest James Bond film until the fall, due to the global spread of the Coronavirus. In North America, we won’t get to see Daniel Craig’s final Bond, No Time to Die, until November 25.

The name of the movie could not be more perfect for our current pandemic situation: No Time to Die.

While buttered popcorn and a fountain Coca-Cola are the the perfect meal, I have no intention of making that my Last Supper. I understand why MGM delayed the opening — cash money — but I’d like to propose a compromise because, while I don’t want to sit in stadium seating near other humans, I still want to watch James bang models, wreck Aston Martins, and pew pew kill Rami Malek.

Give us a three weeks of streaming Bond. Starting now.

Martinis streaming, not stirred

I’ve been in quarantine since Tuesday, March 10, because I’m an asthmatic with a history of pneumonia. When I spoke to my primary care doctor, he said, “You in danger girl. Lock the doors. Tight.” I made one last trip to Shaw’s for essentials like fresh eggs, jalapeno poppers, and Hawaiian Tropic. Praise be the store were still fully stocked with toilet paper, so my ass ain’t grass…this time.

To prevent boredom, all streaming platforms offer a feast of riches. So far I’ve re-binged Band of Brothers on HBO. World War II is my happy place.

Yes, there are lots of choices of what to watch, but none of it feels like an event or that it’s important. Like, Eh, I could watch that any old time. 

Sports is not an option. The ATP and WTA tours are shut down like a Bojangles that ran out of chicken and buttermilk. No pre-season Red Sox games. No hockey (ha! as if I would ever watch hockey). No Masters golf with blooming azaleas and frat boys yelling “bababooey” at the tee. And as for my favorite sport — girls with mermaid hair crying off their mascara — The Bachelor is over!

With no movies, no live shows, and no theater, Hollywood still owes us something special. We have had to endure Weinstein, Casey Affleck, and Woody Allen for you fuckers.

Give us No Time to Die.  Give us a streaming Bond.

Source: MGM. Clothing: Chris Evans sweater people

We know money makes the world go ’round, so charge us for it. Hell, I paid $5.99 last night for Jojo Rabbit. (It was excellent by the way).

When I saw the preview for No Time to Die before Knives Out, I looked at my best friend and said, “Oh, we are doing a Girls Night to see this, this with a purses full of nips and cans of rosé.”

My horny mom friends and I made plans! It was going to be us — the middle school PTO  — with James Herbert Bond. Is joy the first thing to die in a viral epidemic?

Things that start with the letter C: COVID 19, Corona, Craig

Daniel Craig has already done all of the promotional labor for this movie. Saturday Night Live? Check. GQ cover spread? Yup. Showing us his happy trail? Yes, ma’am.


Let Mr. Craig’s talent, blue eyes, and pectorals help us through this staggering crisis. Seeing Bond in a well-cut Brioni suit will keep people on their couches, preventing further spread of the virus. Daniel Craig in silk pajamas could save lives.

Remember those horny mom friends I mentioned up above? We are all at home right now with our kids indefinitely, and without school, daycare, play-dates, or activities, it’s going to get crazy. Daniel Craig could save a mom’s mental health. Daniel Craig could save some kid’s behind.* Daniel Craig could save the life of a dipshit dad who says the wrong thing like, “Have you helped Ethan with his online learning yet?”

No one can visit nursing homes right now. You know what would lift 90-year-old Betty’s spirits right now? Hearing the dulcet tones of her favorite, weird granddaughter, Billie Eilish.

The biggest service Hollywood and MGM could give to us right now is release No Time to Die to homes for the next three weeks. The world needs heroes right now, not cowards. We need leaders. We need James Bond. When Biden is President, he will give the Broccoli family the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Limbaugh has tainted it, but Biden will bring it back to glory.

James Bond already has a license to kill. That includes the Coronavirus.

*Don’t spank your kids
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