Ted Lasso Characters, Ranked by Hotness
The first season of Ted Lasso was a balm for the soul. Coming during the height of the pandemic and all its stressors, the show was funny and kind, but most important to me, it was horny. And according to TV critic Mo Ryan, the second season of Ted Lasso remains so. Horny high fives! Butt slap! (Consensual, of course).
If you read my epic tome “I’m Horny for Da From Derry Girls,” you know I appreciate shows that make me tingle. I’m a Scorpio Sun with Scorpio Rising. My astrologist says that means I’m passionate but let’s be real: my whole water sign vibe is sploosh. I’m passionate about doin’ it and doin’ it and doin’ it well. If this were an old school Buzzfeed or That’s Normal article, I’d insert a gif of LL Cool J’s lips.
To celebrate the new season of Ted Lasso dropping this week on Apple TV+, here are its characters ranked by hotness, i.e. how horny they make me. Please note, I’m a 47-year-old, single mother. I have a bad shoulder, I’m straight, and I like going to bed early to read. In other words, YMMV.
Nope
11. Ted Lasso
Photo: Apple TV+
Ted Lasso is my Dad. My Dad (George!) is a high school football coach, persistently positive, politically liberal, and folksy AF. While Ted is lovely look at, he makes me the inverse of horny. Like taking a year’s supply of Zoloft in one day. Your serotonin levels are flying but your sex drive is obliterated.
10. Dani Rojas
Photo: Apple TV+
He is an adorable man-child with boundless energy. And that hair! But would Dani put down the soccer ball for one second in order to pick up my boobs? Doubtful.
Maybe, Because I’m Dumb
9. Jamie Tart
Photo: Apple TV+
Banging a guy like Jamie Tart is a tale as old as time. You know he is selfish and a bully, but his body is mint so you give him a go, just to put your legs on his “on ramps.” He’s a hot Manc with a very intensive skincare routine. In his favor, he’s a broken boy but he wants to be better. Hope is the thing with feathers, blah, blah, blah. Take a ride on the Tart Train and when you are done say, “Fank you.”
8. Richard Montlaur
Photo: Apple TV+
He’s French. C’est tout.
Sure, Why Not
7. Trent Crimm, the Independent
Photo: Apple TV+
Like Jason Derulo and Ludacris before him, Trent Crimm, The Independent, is proud of who he is. He’s journalist . . . with a job! In this economy?! His salt and pepper mane and tweed jackets can help fulfill your hot for teacher fantasies. I don’t feel tardy!
6. Coach Beard
Photo: Apple TV+
He would act out scenes from Ruby Dixon’s Ice Planet Barbarians with you. Expect blue body paint because pedantic accuracy is key.
I Love This For You
5. Rebecca
Photo: Apple TV+
I’m pretty straight, but I am definitely attracted to power. The fact that Rebecca shows zero sweat stains in her Rebecca Minkoff and Armani silks compels me. But points deducted because she also rocks a French manicure. Keeley needs to take Rebecca for a spa day and get her to try a reverse French in a zippy color, because no one wants to think of Betsy DeVos when they are in flagrante deletico.
4. Keeley Jones
Photo: Apple TV+
Keeley is the Tika the Iggy of the Premier Champions League. Two things every good love making sesh needs are enthusiasm and compliments. Keeley provides both.
Always and Forever
3. Nathan Shelley
Photo: Apple TV+
Nate the Great is so gentle and unassuming, but he’s vocal when the moment calls for it. He will cuddle and whisper Celine Dion lyrics to you but then happily — enthusiastically! —  pull your hair right when you command it. And you know he writes love letters. Epistolary foreplay is hot.
2. Sam Obisanya
Photo: Apple TV+
The feeling of sweet, sweet Sam smiling down on you must feel like the light of a thousand suns. I want to feel that light. I want to feel that light naked.
1. Roy Kent
Photo: Apple TV+
Roy Kent is the Derek Craven of Richmond. The grumpy anti-hero is my favorite romance trope, and Roy has swagger and a voice like gravel. Roy wakes up on the wrong side of the bed every day, but who cares if you are in the bed with him. Damaged? Check. Cursing? Check? Hates bullies? Check. Loves children? Check. After he uses those hips to create that curve, I’m going to need an ice bath. AND HE READS!
Ted Lasso is streaming on Apple+ TV, starting July 23rd.
