Zach Got Covid on The Bachelor
Say goodbye to Zach self-consciously discussing his chest hair and hello to an excessive amount of turtlenecks, because week five of The Bachelor took us to England.
London hasn’t seen this many women vying for the attention of one man since Prince William had hair.
The Bachelor Takes London
I don’t know how much the tourism board of London paid for this episode, but surely they got more than they bargained for.
You’ve never heard a bad English accent until you’ve heard a gaggle of American nurses/aspiring influencers say “Hullo gov’nah” over and over again.
It wasn’t long before they were all saying “bloody hell” like Ron Weasley when Gabi got the first one-on-one date of the week.
Gabi Gets the Royal Treatment
Zach kept repeating that London is known for its romance which is something I’ve literally never heard anyone say in my entire life.
It is however known for its royal family, so it only makes sense that Zach was giving Gabi (a 25-year-old account executive from Vermont) the royal treatment.
Yep, Gabi was getting the fantasy shopping date complete with a Rolls Royce, designing a signature perfume (“it smells like Sour Patch Kids mixed with weed”), cocktails made by King Charles’ ex-butler, playing with corgis, and a personal stylist to bedeck her in gowns, tiaras, and designer shoes.
Then they made her walk in the women’s shared hotel suite with all of her loot.
The other women immediately wanted to treat her like one of Henry VIII’s wives.
You could almost watch their eyes turning green with envy.
Greer, in particular, lost her shit because she apparently has a tea tattoo and not getting this date made her feel rejected.
She was crying in the hotel hallway when Gabi walked up with all of her shopping bags and informed her that she was sitting in front of her door.
Someone give this show an Emmy.
At dinner that night, Gabi thanked Zach for making her feel beautiful because her ex-boyfriend made her feel insecure.
Yeah, yeah, boring.
She got the date rose, and then they danced while UB40 played. How the hell did they get the band behind “Red Red Wine” on this show?
Zach Caught Cooties
At this point, the other women were hating their lives. They’ve traveled to three different time zones without access to the internet and they’re developing real feelings for the man who is also dating all of their roommates.
Perfect timing for Zach to get sick and bail on the group date.
Brooklyn, Kat, Aly, Kaity, Ariel, Kylee, Jess, Mercedes, and Greer were already mad that they got stuck on the London group tour date. It was adding salt to their collective wounds that they STILL had to go on the date even though Zach was “under the weather.”
I don’t know which bigwigs at ABC decided they needed to use that particular language, but they must have uttered the words “under the weather” a million times.
“I’m sad Zach is under the weather,” while riding a double-decker bus.
“I’m mad Zach is under the weather,” while eating fish and chips.
“Zach stood me up because he’s under the weather,” while twerking on a guard.
It was said with care, with sarcasm, and with an underlying current of disdain.
All they knew was that Zach had better show up to the after-party that night.
Alas, he did not.
The group date was canceled and the nine women cried all the way home as they felt their Neil Lane engagement ring slipping from their grasps.
Social Distancing in London
The next morning Charity waited anxiously to find out if Zach was feeling over the weather enough to have their date.
She and all of the other dejected women were squished next to each other on those hard hotel couches when who should walk in but Jesse Palmer with terrible news.
You guessed it, Zach has covid.
They reacted like someone had just been shot. Not because they were worried about Zach’s health, but because their week in London just got ruined.
Perk up, ladies, it could be worse.
We could be watching this all play out while you’re quarantined at the La Quinta in Palm Springs.
Zach Swipes Right
Okay, so the week is ruined, Zach is quarantined, and there are still 45 minutes left in this episode. Time to wrap this episode up, right?
Sorry, no such luck, instead Kaity sat against Zach’s hotel room door under the guise of giving him a gift basket. Really, she was there for reassurance and an opportunity for the show to play a montage of their four-week relationship thus far.
At one point she physically embraced his door.
It only got worse from there.
No, like, really bad.
They gave Zach his own camera set up and told the women that he’d be holding a virtual cocktail party and the world’s first virtual rose ceremony.
He looked like that one guy in college who decided to start a podcast in his basement.
What is this, April 2020?
Cocktail Zoom Party
Charity got the first virtual date since her one-on-one got canceled. You know, because talking into an iPad with a guy you’re being gaslit into loving is exactly the same as exploring London together.
Oh, and then Zach gave her a phallic clock statue of Big Ben because their “time has BEN cut short”.
The fact that I kept watching after that is a testament of my love for you.
Each of the women took a turn trying to get Zach to kiss them through an iPad screen after that, but it was so cringe that I’m trying to block it from my mind.
The important information here was that Greer offended Zach when she compared Zach’s covid experience to when she had covid at the end of her sales quarter.
You know, because he’s a serious guy who is serious about love and would seriously never compare it to work.
Someone put me out of my misery.
The Most Embarrassing Rose Ceremony of All Time
The rose ceremony began and I could hardly believe what I was witnessing.
They set up a TV on one wall with a live feed of Zach on it. Directly across from that was where the women stood and waited to be selected.
When Zach called their name they walked towards the TV, let Zach ask if they’d accept his rose, and then would grab their own rose off of a little table set up under the TV.
It was a secondhand embarrassment to the max.
Gabi already had her rose from the date when she got free stuff and was exposed to covid. The rest of the roses went to Kaity, Charity, Aly, Kat, Brooklyn, Jess, Ariel, and…
Kylee, and Mercedes (2 of the 4 women of color remaining in the season) were sent home.
Zach and all nine of his girlfriends will be covid free and back for more next Monday. If I have to watch another virtual date I will riot.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.