Zach had Trouble in the Fantasy Suites

Buckle up those chastity belts, it’s fantasy suites week on The Bachelor, and Zach has decided he’s temporarily celibate.

It’s odd timing for Zach to suddenly remember his purity pledge from youth group, but at least we finally know why Sean Lowe has been mentoring him all season.

Zach sets the rules for fantasy suites

Speaking of Sean, Zach’s overnight dates also took place in Krabi, Thailand; just like Sean’s in 2013. Oh and Zach admitted that talking to Sean convinced him to make his self-imposed sex ban.

Now, as a woman who would happily shank anyone who touched my man days before our engagement: I get it. I even respect it.

But as a fan of The Bachelor who prefers my fantasy suite week more on the Ben Higgins waterfall boner end of things than the Colton Underwood fence jump end: Never allow a bachelor to speak to Sean Lowe again.

Zach told Jesse his plan to abstain and Jesse was like “Good luck with that man, have you seen Ariel in a bathing suit?”

Things get spicy with Ariel

Zach’s first evening in Krabi was spent exploring a night market with Ariel. They ate Thai street food and sucked face.

The man could not stop kissing her. You could see his sex ban turning into more of a sex time-out with every minute.

Then again, these two have literally nothing in common other than wanting to bang.

But hey, this is The Bachelor, you don’t have to have anything in common to get engaged. so Ariel told Zach that she was falling in love with him.

Then she immediately followed it up with, “That’s so dumb!”

See? She’s too cool for this show.

Zach chose that moment to break the news that they weren’t going to bone that night. Ariel was fine with it but it didn’t stop her from making out with him in the pool…and on the deck…and in the bed.

There was a lot of kissing.

The next morning, Ariel said that their relationship had grown by lightyears after their time alone.

I was pretty sure that meant Zach broke his own rules, but nope, he said they abstained.

Can you imagine someone on the internet writing about your sex life like it’s a sport? Living the dream.

Gabi gets emotional

Zach and Gabi got the classic boat cruise and beach date à la Sean and Catherine, but she spent most of it in her own head.

Gabi knew she was going second and it triggered her. She felt ugly, frumpy, second-best, and unwanted.

I wanted to jump through the screen and shake her while yelling, “He’s not worth this!”

Eventually, she broke down and told Zach how she was feeling.

I fully expected Zach to get his usual dose of the ick from this display of negative emotion.

Not this time.

He actually comforted her! It’s a Bachelor Zach miracle! Zach kissed her, cuddled her, and reassured her that she is safe with him.

At dinner that night, Gabbi told Zach that she was falling in love with him. He, in turn, told her that there would be no sex in the fantasy suite.

Unlike Ariel, Gabi did not take this news well. In fact, she was instantly turned off.

She told him that she couldn’t imagine getting engaged to someone she has never slept with. In fact, she kind of mocked his decision and seemed to take it as a challenge.

So it was no surprise to me at all when they woke up the next morning and admitted that they had blown a giant hole in the wall of his boundaries.

They slept together and Zach was feeling sick about it.

Time to face daddy Jesse

Okay, to be fair, I don’t think that Zach was feeling all that bad about his decision to sleep with Gabi. He had strong feelings for her and it felt right in the moment. What he was having a hard time with was his split loyalty to Kaity.

I mean…probably to Ariel too, but if you still think she has a chance of winning this thing you haven’t been paying attention.

So Zach went to Jesse and told him that he was going to tell all of the women what he did.

This was the moment that really cemented how inexperienced Zach is. It’s good, in fact crucial, to be honest with your partners but if Taylor Swift has taught us anything it’s that you never want to be “casually cruel in the name of being honest.”

Jesse was like, “It’s your funeral buddy, just make sure it’s all on camera.”

Confession #1

The first stop on Zach’s tour de absolution was to see Gabi and let her know that he was going to tell everyone that they boned.

She was shocked into silence.

Zach is, of course, horrible at reading those signs so he plowed ahead to tell her that he’s falling in love with her but that he doesn’t want secrets getting in the way.

Gabi sat shell-shocked and whispered “Thanks for sharing that.”

Zach left for his date with Kaity while Gabi looked into the camera and admitted that she felt like he was breaking her trust. Their intimacy had been private, or at least as private as it can be in this circumstance, and he was broadcasting it for his own conscience’s sake.

Don’t worry, it gets worse.

Kaity gets the worst of it

Zach met up with Kaity in the middle of the Thai jungle for a clear-bottom canoe ride in awkward silence. The vibes were so off that Kaity must have been wondering what was going on but nothing could have prepared her.

They got out of the canoe and sat on a random log in the middle of a swamp so Zach could tell her about his sex “parameters.”

And how he blew right past them.

He told her, “I have been intimate this week,” like he was expecting some sort of medal for his honesty and bravery.

Instead, Kaity was like “I know what show I signed up for, asshole. I could have gone without ever hearing about that.”

Kaity was devastated. She knew that he was likely going to be intimate with other women but she didn’t need to KNOW, you know?

She kept saying “sore-y” over and over again with a surprising Canadian accent because she wasn’t happy and she felt distant from him.

Zach was…shocked??

He suddenly started to question his decision to tell the woman he was dating about his sexual exploits from the night before.

“Did I f**k up?” he asked like a complete dummy dum dum.

Yes, yes you did.

That night Zach sighed a huge sigh of relief when Kaity showed up to dinner despite him being full from the foot he still had lodged in his mouth.

She was hesitant to speak to him at first, but eventually, she admitted that while this situation sucked, he is still worth it.

She called herself the luckiest girl in the world and accepted his invitation for sloppy seconds in the fantasy suite.

We have very different definitions of what it means to be lucky.

Rose Ceremony

Kaity’s fantasy suite date ended without the usual morning-after scene which makes me question what happened in private. Is all forgiven? Did they also get intimate? Does she hate him but is pretending for the sake of the show?

I need answers.

Instead, we got the rose ceremony that Zach opened with a big speech about starting the week with parameters that he ended up breaking.

Ariel’s face was like, “Did you skip a couple of chapters? I’m lost.”

Girl, you’re better off not knowing and way better off without this dude.

The only surprise when Zach offered Kaity and Gabi roses was that he made Gabi go second AGAIN.

This man has learned nothing.

Ariel’s good-bye

Zach left Gabi and Kaity in a cloud of awkwardness to walk a stoic Ariel out for their final goodbyes.

He complimented her profusely and she told him that she was glad she got to know him.

After Ariel entered the SUV of shame she admitted that she was feeling hurt, but ultimately she wants someone who wants her.

Not one single tear was shed on her perfect face.

I want to be her when I grow up.

Meanwhile, Kaity and Gabi were standing around with their roses whispering under their breath to each other about everything that had happened that week.

Kaity told her that she knew she had slept with him. Gabi told her that she felt like she had a scarlet letter on her chest.

Both of them looked completely miserable.

You know what would make this even worse? Meeting the future in-laws.

Next week’s finale is going to be a mess.