Zach’s Exes Aired it All Out on the Women Tell All
Monday night Zach whittled his harem down to three women. Tuesday night he faced all of his ex-girlfriends as they fought for the few remaining dredges of their relevancy at the Women Tell All.
The Bachelor saw that hour we lost to Daylight Savings and said, “Double it and give it to the next person.”
Jesse is selling it
Host Jesse Palmer opened the Women Tell All with all of the enthusiasm of Caesar Flickerman opening the Hunger Games.
He promised us a rehashing of drama, a life-changing surprise for one unsuspecting woman, and, of course, bloopers.
Then they showed clips of him and Zach crashing Bachelor sorority house viewing parties and taking jello shots.
Celebrities, they’re just like us.
I think I’ve seen this film before
A long montage played of everything we’ve seen so far this season and then the women yelled at each other while they relived months-old arguments.
Jess got a hot seat
First up in the hot seat was Jess for no other reason than that Zach was a dick to her when he dumped her.
Back on the witch date in Estonia, Jess expressed her disappointment at not having a one-on-one date yet and Zach reacted like that was the craziest thing he had ever heard.
She said that overall watching the season back has taught her how to love herself.
An admirable bid for Bachelorette if I’ve ever seen one.
Greer is up next
I was surprised to see Greer take the hot seat only because her arc was so unimpressive this season but then Jesse brought up her racist social media posts that were made public earlier in the season.
I wrote down what he said word for word because I was shocked.
He said, “The truth is as a franchise we’ve done a very poor job in the past of addressing very serious topics head on and we are not going to miss that opportunity here tonight.”
Chris Harrison could never.
Greer went on to apologize for her past posts which defended her friend’s use of blackface. She called it racist, apologized for being racist, and took ownership of her actions and the hurt she caused.
Then they opened up the floor for DEI expert Dr. Banks to discuss the importance of calling racist things racist and not having our words be performative.
It wasn’t a perfect moment for such a deeply imperfect show, but it was still such a huge step forward from where The Bachelor has historically been.
I hope someone somewhere is apologizing to Rachel Lindsay.
Kat had to follow that up
They just moved things right along by putting Kat in the hot seat next. Jesse told Kat that he thought she was going to be the one Zach picked and Kat was just like, “Yeah…me too.”
Kat said that she still doesn’t know what went wrong with Zach, but one good thing did come out of being on the show.
She now has a good relationship with her mother.
This just goes to prove that airing your family trauma for our entertainment purposes can be part of your healing journey.
Charity is back for more
Last in the hot seat was Charity who said that her time on the show proved to her that she is ready to find her person.
Then Jesse showed some random behind-the-scenes clips of the women twerking and talking about poop.
Zach was there too
Finally, Zach came out to answer some softball questions from his exes.
Literally, no one is mad that they’re not dating him anymore. At one point he group hugged the women that he sent home over zoom.
The only useful contribution he made to the night was when he confused “mulled wine” as “mold wine” in the blooper reel. I haven’t laughed that hard at this show in a long time.
The next Bachelorette is…
Jesse ended the Women Tell All by calling fantasy suite week “sex week” repeatedly while Zach looked like he wanted to die.
He said his goodbyes but, hold one, there were four minutes left in the episode and Jesse still hadn’t changed anyone’s life forever.
Suddenly, Jesse was walking backstage talking directly into the camera. He was on his way to surprise the next Bachelorette with the news that she had been chosen and he was stoked about it.
He walked into one of the dressing rooms and who did we see…
Jesse asked her if she would play a game of “This or That” for social media. You know, stuff like,”Staycation or Vacation?”
After a few rounds, he finally asked her, “Bachelorette or Bachelor in Paradise?”
She answered “Bachelorette?????” with a confused look on her face and he was like, “Good because the job is yours!”
There were tears of joy and calls to her parents. She vowed that she was going to represent girls who look like her and make them proud.
If I know anything about this franchise, she should turn off comments on her socials now.
Next week is
sex week fantasy suite week and Zach is going to royally F it up. Pun intended.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.