The only thing that has taken longer than counting mail-in votes is waiting for Clare Crawley to blow up The Bachelorette.
The moment has finally come. At long last, Clare has put
America her 17 hostages boyfriends out of their misery. Next up, the electoral college.
Chris Gets Clare-ity
If there’s one thing this dumpster fire of a season has taught us it’s that Clare Crawley wants Dale. Based on how often Dale needs to hide his lower half behind furniture after being with her, he reciprocates. So when the episode opened with Chris Harrison telling Clare that they needed to talk, the writing was on the wall. Clare has found her match, and there’s no path moving forward in the process for her.
What wasn’t obvious was how completely sincere she was. She believes with everything in her that Dale is her match. She said, with tears rolling down her face that, she has “spent years knowing what I don’t want,” but that Dale is everything she has ever needed. People, I’m as cynical as they come, but I believed her. She swore on her father’s grave that she never spoke to him before the season, but that she began falling in love with him from his social media posts about his late mother and disabled sister. Is that, my heart, I’m feeling? All Clare wants to do is spend as much time with Dale as she can; for her, this is over.
In the words of our overlord, Chris Harrison, “Congratulations you’ve just blown up The Bachelorette.”
Love is Boring
Once again Chris had to do Clare’s dirty work and tell the men that both the cocktail party and rose ceremony were canceled. He failed to mention that their entire season was canceled but beggars can’t be choosers. Then he asked Dale to join him outside. While Chris told Dale that he was getting a special night with Clare, the men were inside trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Poor bearded Canadian Blake still thought Clare was going to get her ish together and love him – but he was wrong. So wrong.
That night, Clare and Dale had a perfectly lovely and perfectly boring dinner date where they talked about their families. Apparently, Clare’s parents are named James and Lily (which I’m pretty sure makes her Harry Potter’s sister) and both of their dad’s hitchhiked for love (which seems unadvisable). It was normal stuff for what is essentially their first date. That is right up until they admitted that they’re falling in love with each other. IN LOVE. There’s no way this ends badly, right? Later they danced and groped one another while Chris and Bri from The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart rounded out their fifteen minutes of fame with a performance.
I can’t believe I’m writing this, but I’m…happy for them? These feelings are confusing.
Things Escalated Quickly
The next morning, Clare’s discarded men were sitting around wondering where Dale had been for the last 18 hours. Well, fellas, he’s been in bed with your girl. Stay mad.
Meanwhile, Dale reluctantly left Clare’s room after cuddling in bed so that Chris Harrison would have the chance to talk to her. What about? Oh no big deal, he just wants Clare to get ready for a proposal THAT NIGHT. I know this show moves fast, but damn. Has anyone asked Dale what he thinks? Blink twice if you need help, Dale!
Time to Break the News
Before Clare could ambush Dale with a proposal, she needed to tell the other 16 men that she wasted all of their time. She told them that she has found what she was looking for in Dale and that her/their journey was over. Their eyes blinked in unison and went wide with anger and disbelief, but thankfully they knew better than to become villains and only vocalized support.
Of course, that didn’t last long, because after she left, bearded Blake lamented the time he spent buying books on dementia so he could relate to Clare. Granted he never mentioned if he actually read the books, but it’s 2020 and everyone’s standards are very low. Boy, I get it, you’ve been Stockholm Syndromed, but if you play this right Paradise is yours for the taking. Don’t be a dick.
Things Get Real
Right around this time was when Clare realized that getting engaged to a man she has spent one night with/lightly Instagrammed stalked could be risky. She was worried that Dale wouldn’t show up for her when she has given everything up for him. Her past experience leads her to believe that men never stick around, but all I kept thinking was #JusticeForBenoit.
All of that drama was for nothing though, because the next thing we knew, Clare was looking gorgeous in a white gown and Dale was down on one knee. On one knee! HE PROPOSED. After one date. One! They’re engaged. Like engaged, engaged after a handful of days. Do I…do I suddenly believe in love at first sight? I think I might, because this whole thing was super sweet and I smiled a lot. Dale and Clare are completely insane, but maybe it’ll work? Let me live in this brief moment of denial. It has been a tough week.
It’s Not Over Until It’s Over
According to Chris Harrison, Clare and Dale were off the resort and out of quarantine by the next morning. That was fast. Then it was time to break the news to the men that their shot at a career in podcasting was over. When they were first given the news that Clare and Dale were engaged, the men were shocked. What, like that’s weird Love is real!
Then Chris dropped the bomb that their journey isn’t actually over. Instead, they can choose to show up THAT NIGHT to meet a new mystery Bachelorette if they feel like they have the emotional capacity to move on from Clare. They had to make the decision in just a few short hours. What, will the La Quinta not let them get a late checkout?
The men pretended like they weren’t sure what they were going to do, but we all knew that they’re thirsty AF and would show up – and they did. All 16 men arrived in time for Tayshia Adams to walk out of the limo looking gorgeous. I mean, what girl doesn’t want Clare’s leftovers, right?
Tayshia told Chris how nervous she is, but the episode ended before she could open the door and surprise the men. Based on what she looked like in that green dress I think it’s going to be a good surprise.
Honestly, everyone, I have no idea where this season can go from here. On the one hand, I hope Tayshia gets some new men added to the mix soon because 1) these ones annoy me, and 2) she deserves more than 16 of Clare’s rejects. On the other hand, I just want it to stop.
Save us, Tayshia. You’re our only hope.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.