Really, is there a better way to end 2021 than making giant assumptions about the toxic traits of Clayton’s 31 potential wives which include 14 blondes, 8 medical professionals, one spray tanner, a Bar Mitzvah dancer, and an Olympic athlete?
I think not.
The Man of the Many Many Hours We’ll Watch
First things first, who the hell is Clayton Echard anyway?
You’ll vaguely remember Clayton as the 28-year-old former NFL athlete (he had a brief stint with the Seahawks after a successful college career at the University of Missouri) from St. Louis. He’s tall, hugely muscled, and exactly the boy-next-door white bread hero that this franchise loves to hate and hates to love.
After an uninspiring run on Michelle’s season, no one has any idea why they cast him as The Bachelor; but I think one of those ubiquitous shower scenes at the beginning of every episode should clear it right up.
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Like every former college athlete I’ve ever known, Clayton works in medical sales but he’s working towards his goal of
being on Dancing with the Stars getting his MBA.
Oh and so far, his toxic trait is letting this show talk him into reading mean tweets about himself on live television.
I have a feeling he’ll be the least interesting part of this season.
Let’s get to actual stars of this show.
All the Toxic Traits from Clayton’s Cast Bios
Cassidy is an executive assistant who “isn’t afraid to say how she feels or do what she wants.”
Her toxic trait is saying that she “spent her 20’s living life to the fullest” as if years 26-30 don’t count.
Girl, ask my dermatologist, they do.
Claire is a spray tanner and single mom who is looking for her soul mate.
Her toxic trait is that How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days is her favorite movie.
More like how to lose a guy in 10 days while sharing bunk beds with his 30 other girlfriends in a “mansion” in Aurora Hills.
Daria is a third-year law student at Yale and also has a Harvard degree under the belt of her pencil skirt.
Her toxic trait
is signing up for this show is that she thinks “she’ll know it’s love when she can feel the butterflies in her tummy.”
I get butterflies in my tummy every time I think about the nacho fries at Taco Bell coming back. They can’t be trusted.
Besides giving the best photo of the cast, Eliza is a well-traveled marketing manager who idolizes her parent’s marriage.
Her toxic trait is thinking she could find someone “cultured, worldly and ready to be her partner” on this season of The Bachelor.
Better luck in Paradise.
Elizabeth is a career-minded real estate adviser who likes the finer things in life.
Her toxic trait is that she gets a massive case of the giggles when she’s around someone she likes.
There’s no way that ends well for Elizabeth but could work out great for the memes.
Ency is a sales manager who is “looking for a tall man with a nice smile and an equally nice family.” Sounds like she came to the right place.
Her toxic trait is that she would “love more opportunities to dress in costume.”
You can’t just say that to producers of The Bachelor and not expect to be dressed up like an item of food coming out of the limos.
Gabby is an ICU nurse who doesn’t have a physical type but wants a partner who will value her independence.
Her toxic trait is that she says she’s terrified of humpback whales but didn’t give any context for said fear and now I have a lot of unresolved questions.
Genevieve is a bartender who wants a man who won’t change his personality when he’s “bro-ing out” with the guys.
A girl can dream.
Her toxic trait is using #relationshipgoals unironically when describing Justin and Hailey Bieber.
Hailey is a pediatric nurse who calls her grandma “Lil Grams” and says her body and career are exactly where she wants them. Now she just needs a man.
Her toxic trait is self-describing as a “firecracker.”
Have we ever seen a firecracker handle the pressure of a group date well? I think not.
Charlotte is a human resource specialist/former Disney princess who is looking for an outdoorsy foodie. That should be easy to find.
Her toxic trait is that A Walk to Remember is her favorite book.
Anyone who comes on The Bachelor loving Nicholas Sparks books is doomed just like one of his terminally ill characters.
Ivana is a sometimes hand model/bar mitzvah dancer who hopes to one day have “a dog, five snakes, three exotic frogs, one lizard and a turtle.”
Surprisingly that’s not her toxic trait.
Rather, it’s that her ideal date “starts with dancing naked in the rain and ends with cuddling after her man washes her hair.”
We all have our things.
Jane is a social media manager who is looking for a man who is just as passionate about his career goals as she is.
Her toxic trait is telling the whole world she’s afraid of tall cliffs before going on a television show that routinely makes people rappel off of buildings in LA for dates.
Jill is an architectural historian who knows how to identify if a tree is female or male and is generally too interesting to thrive on this show.
You might think her toxic trait is being obsessed with Twilight but it turns out that it’s hanging out in cemeteries.
Kate is a real estate agent with one of LA’s top real estate firms but I’ve never seen her on Selling Sunset so who can say. What’s that, she once went on a date with Harry Styles? She’s my everything.
Her toxic trait is being over dating Hollywood party boys and then going on a show to date a man who will inevitably spend the next 12 months being a Hollywood party boy.
Kira is a physician. As in a medical doctor. And that’s not all. She has a BA from Harvard, an MBA from UPenn, and earned her MD from UNC-Chapel Hill. And yet, all she wants a man who looks at her the way she looks at french fries.
Women really can have it all.
Her toxic trait is debasing herself enough to date Colton Underwood 2.0.
Lindsay is a former Miss Teen America and a single mother who now works as a neonatal nurse. I can’t look at her without seeing Sean Lowe’s runner-up Lindsay Yenter.
Her toxic trait is loving Taco Bell and Hallmark Christmas movies.
In other news, she is me and I am her.
Lyndsey, an industrial sales representative, is a self-described small-town girl who is trying things out in the big city. Her faith is important to her and she “doesn’t do clowns.”
Her toxic trait is stealing that shirt from my closet in 2001.
Mara is a Puerto Rican-born entrepreneur who doesn’t like spicy food.
Her toxic trait is saying she is “extremely nurturing but can be quite tough.”
That’s how people end up with mommy issues.
Marlena is a former Track and Field Olympian representing Haiti. Like a whole-ass, flag-waving, top of the nation at her sport, Olympic athlete. She now owns her own real estate company and is looking for a partner in life.
Her toxic trait is agreeing to go on this show when one of the things she loves the most is traveling alone.
Don’t worry, 6 weeks traveling with your boyfriend and his other girlfriends will ruin international travel for you in no time, Marlena.
Melina is a personal trainer who created KANGABOOTS™. From what I can tell those are kinda like moon boots from the nineties but for hot people.
You might think her toxic trait is living a “fast-paced life that includes shopping for designer clothes, spending time with her horse, and eating exclusively from the hot bar at Erewhon.” But nope, it’s wearing what I’m pretty sure is a flag girl costume from band camp in her cast photo.
Rachel is a flight instructor and private pilot who is looking for her co-pilot in life.
*quick pause while I recover from Pilot Pete trauma*
She’s a hopeless romantic who can’t wait to read the Harry Potter books to her kids one day.
Her toxic trait is that she once organized a flash mob in high school and it was significant enough to her life that she thought to include it in her bio.
Rianna is a cowgirl and registered nurse who hates doing laundry and is looking for a family-oriented, outgoing, and loyal man.
Her toxic trait is using phrases like “hop back in the saddle” unironically. Although, if you’ve seen her socials, the cowgirl thing is working.
Salley is a spine surgery robot operator, but her chyron says her job is “previously engaged.” She wants a man who is loyal and gives her lots of attention.
Her toxic trait is loving hot tubs.
Oh and the fact that she supposedly ended her engagement only days before showing up at the mansion.
Samantha is an occupational therapist who enjoys EDM festivals, white wine, and men who clean up after themselves.
Her toxic trait is having been sky-diving 12 times. I don’t know why it just feels risky.
The San Diego Bachelor crew is going to love her.
Sarah started a non-profit to help adopted children and loves Valentine’s Day. She’s looking for a respectful, easy-going man to join her on spa days and spend time with family.
Her toxic trait is being a wealth management advisor on Wall Street.
Serene is an elementary school teacher who knows her worth and is looking for a true partner.
Her toxic trait is loving the theater but only if it’s a musical.
Do you all remember when these cast bio pics were hideous? Shanae doesn’t.
Shanae is a recruiter who does NOT want a man who does magic. That sounds like a story I want to hear.
Her toxic trait is loving Christmas so much that she keeps her tree up year-round.
Sierra is a yoga instructor who looks like she should be in toothpaste ads. She is done wasting time and is ready to jump into love with a man who has good hygeine.
Her toxic trait is that black roses are her favorite flowers.
Susie is a wedding videographer who is looking for a partner who will keep life interesting.
Her toxic trait is being crowned Miss Virginia 2020. We all know what happens to beauty queens in this franchise.
Teddi is a surgical unit nurse who is looking for a man who will enjoy late-night skinny-dips with her.
Her toxic trait is “living by her own rules” after being raised in a strict Christian household.
I didn’t spend four years at a private Christian college to not know that’s a waving red flag.
Tessa is a Human Resource Specialist who loves grand romantic gestures. She finds vulnerability super attractive and loves spending her nights at the local dive bar.
Her toxic trait is that she has a fear of red fruits.
Like…all of them?
We Did It
My toxic trait is that I’ll be dreaming about pastel blouses and long hair styled in waves for the next month after judging what are certainly 31 mostly lovely and successful women.
Yours is that you read every word.
I’m proud of us.
Clayton’s season premieres on Monday, January 3rd on ABC. Now that you know everything there is to know about his cast, it’s time to join Clayton’s season’s fantasy league. You know you want to.
See you back here on Tuesday where I’ll have recaps ready for you every week unless this season is finally the one that does me in. And as always, you can find me on my Bachelor Instagram meme page.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.