Last week the CDC said that vaccinated people no longer need to wear masks. While many people rejoiced, my internal monologue went a something to the effect of, “Nooooooooooooooooooo!”
My name is Heidi and I love wearing masks in public.
It’s true, I love them, and only partially because they’ve kept me from cleaning up after even one sick child for an entire year. That only scratches the surface of my devotion. In fact, here are five reasons to keep wearing masks that have nothing to do with the pandemic.
Wearing Masks Saves Money on Makeup
I haven’t worn a full face of makeup in public since March of 2020. Why waste my Fenty foundation on the bottom half of my face, when I’m going to cover it up anyway? If you took off my mask in public you’d see the top half of my face done and the bottom half left alone. It’s genius. I’ve doubled my investment. Where’s my MBA?
Living My Best RBF Life
I’m not a naturally smiley person. I walk around with a chronic case of RBF unless I’m actively reminded to be friendly. It takes effort for me. Then came the mask and I never have to smile at anyone ever again. You’ll have to tear it out my cold, dead hands.
Bye Bye Small Talk
I’m an extroverted introvert who thrives in social situations but then needs to recalibrate alone afterward. I’m really good at small talk, but it exhausts me. Enter the mask and suddenly small talk takes too much effort for everyone involved. Now, I can make my eyes light up and nod my head, but no one is trying to have conversations with strangers in the grocery store line anymore. It’s too much work to be understood over the muffle of the mask. I’m into it.
Masks Hide Chin Hairs
I’ve reached the age of looking in the mirror once and then again 5 minutes later and suddenly there’s a chin hair. I didn’t ask for this life, but it’s the one I’ve been given. Guess what you can’t see when you’re wearing a mask? My whole-ass chin. I’m living my best life.
Finally Learning How to Smize Like Tyra
If you grew up watching Tyra Banks shave beautiful women’s hair on America’s Next Top Model, then you know what a smize is. Smiling with your eyes is a talent I’ve worked on for the majority of my life without success. I always looked like I was about to sneeze. Then I put a mask on the middle of a worldwide tragedy and suddenly it all clicked. I’m not saying it was worth it, but I am saying I’ll love my mask forever.
Are you excited to get back to normal or are you team masks forever? Let’s talk in the comments.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.