It has been two long years since a group of half-dressed bachelor nation rejects graced our Monday nights with their chaotic energy, but the time has finally come. Bachelor in Paradise is back and messier than ever.
This show is a fever dream.
The good news is that we have four seasons of casts to draw from (Peter Weber, Clare/Tayshia, Matt James, and Katie Thurston). The better news is that, thanks to the pandemmy, none of them got to capitalize on all of those club hosting gigs at your local casino so they needed the paycheck.
I can’t believe I’m this excited to watch someone else go on a paid vacation.
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David Spade is on Bachelor in Paradise?
You know how I said this show is a fever dream? David Spade is hosting it this week.
No one wake me up.
In his own words, “This is a show where the guys are good looking, the girls are good looking and I’m the host. Now, let’s remeet the people you’ve already met a million times before.”
Succinct, funny, truthful, and kinda reminds you of that one creepy uncle everyone still loves. That’s David Spade.
He was the one who greeted the initial 23 members of the cast as they walked down the stairs to Paradise. It was a smorgasbord of embarrassment.
Kelsey (Peter’s season) opened a champagne bottle as a nod to her moment of glory and talked about putting laxatives on her face to block sweat.
Tammy (Peter’s season) thought she was talking to Dave Chapelle, which begs so many questions.
Queen Goddess Victoria came out with a sunburst crown to represent her ascension to diety. No judgment, but I would not have recognized her without her name in the chyron.
Kenny (Clare/Tayshia) showed up fully nude. Like naked. If you are wondering what that looks like, google is free and he is VERY open.
There were 19 other introductions in the first 45 minutes of this episode and I don’t get paid by the word, but no one else was funny. Just hot.
In all honesty, this show is impossible to recap. There is so much happening in every single moment and a seemingly infinite combination of couples that could hit it off.
They were all scrambling around that beach like one of those crabs from the intro. Oh and speaking of intro, where was the song?! I wanted to sing “almost paradiiiiiiiise” with two years worth of pent up aggression. We’ve been robbed.
Anyway, you probably need to know that the woman who turned the most heads was Serena the 23-year-old Canadian who left Matt’s season on her own. Grocery store Joe (Becca Kufrin’s season), Tayshia’s runner-up Ivan and turtleneck model Brendan (Clare/Taysia) are all into her.
The First Kiss in Paradise
Then everyone started making out.
I can’t even keep track of everyone. It was just lips and spit and covid aerosol droplets going in every direction.
Connor B. (Katie’s season) and Maurissa (Matt’s Season) made out on a daybed. She confirmed after that he’s not a bad kisser like Katie said. I remain unconvinced.
Ivan (Clare/Tayshia’s season) and Jessenia (Matt’s season) kissed too apparently.
Aaron (Katie’s season) played tonsil hockey with Tammy (Peter’s season).
Kenny (Clare/Tayshia) and Mari (Matt’s season) too.
However, the most shocking kiss of all was between Tahzjuan (Colton’s season) and Tre (Katie’s season). It was shocking for one reason and one reason only. Tahzjuan had previously met Tre through his uncle.
What’s the big deal you ask? Oh, she met his uncle on a dating app and they kissed. After she kissed Tre she said, “Ten out of ten great kiss. I really enjoyed kissing Tre more than his uncle, damn.”
Someone give this show an Emmy.
The First Date of Bachelor in Paradise
Abigail (Matt’s season) got the first date of the season which she invited Noah (Tayshia’s season) on. You’ll remember Abigail as the sweet deaf woman and Noah as the traveling Covid nurse.
They talked about why she friend zones men she meets while surrounded by dozens of piñatas that they smashed after.
No, the piñatas were not full of candy, it was confetti. I was disappointed too. But Noah wasn’t because he swerved the friend zone by making out with her.
Grocery Store Joe is spiraling
Back on season five of Bachelor in Paradise, Joe (Becca’s season) ended up with Kendall (Arie’s season). They went on to have a long relationship which ended in early 2020 due to distance. Now he’s back in Paradise for another shot at love, but homeboy is a mess.
Not only is Joe significantly older than most of the cast (he’s 35) he’s also just very old school. They were making fun of him for wearing gym clothes when his outfit was literally a t-shirt and shorts. I mean yes, he had on socks with his slide sandals, but the rest of it seemed fine. He was so out of sorts that he teared up multiple times and slept on a daybed with a shirt on his head for most of the day.
He kept saying that he didn’t feel like he belonged but her literally cohosts a podcast with one of the other cast members on a weekly basis. I adore Natasha, but help a guy out!
Just when he was ready to leave the show altogether, Serena got him to open up about his feelings. She was light-hearted, supportive, super awkward in a cute way, and 12 years younger at 23, but they still started making out.
Come on, Joe. You can do it.!
Then Demi Burnett showed up, said “I’m here to steal all their men and to f**k some s**t up,” and the episode ended.
I’m not even kidding.
See, this show is impossible to recap. Next week the guys will decide which of the women are going home and then the power will shift. Also apparently Becca Kufrin and Lil Jon show up at some point. We are not worthy.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.