Only six women remain in the quest for The Bachelor Peter Weber’s one ring to rule them all. (Enter Smeagol’s “my precious” quote here.) I don’t know who is Frodo Baggins in this situation, but my money is on us viewers. Let’s just chuck the whole season into Mount Doom.
The roster going into this week in Lima, Peru is as follows:
Hannah Ann (23 model/never been in love)
Kelley (27, attorney/barely tolerates Peter)
Kelsey (28, professional clothier/champagne face)
Madison (23, foster parent recruiter/good girl with good chemistry)
Natasha (31, event planner/basically a stranger)
Victoria (26, medical sales rep/clout chaser but Peter caught feels)
Peter is Feeling the Pressure
Pilot Pete opened this episode of The Bachelor by calling his mom and then gazing longingly at a painting of some windmills. Throw in some indecisiveness and that pretty much wraps up his personality; family, boning in recognizable landmarks, and being paralyzed by easy choices. America’s sweetheart, everyone.
He then surprised the future Mrs. Webers at their hotel to tell them just how seriously he’s taking this process. In fact, this is the last week Peter has to get to know his six remaining girlfriends before he visits four of their hometowns. He wants them to be sure they see a future with him because, this is a “two way street,” then he hugged them one by one while they waited in line for his affection. What a feminist icon.
Madison and Peter Have Faith
Madison had an early one-on-one date with Peter back when he forced her to attend his parent’s backyard vow renewal. This time around they explored a Peruvian fishing village, made-out on a boat, and repeatedly told each other how much they missed one another. Okay, okay, you’re both pretty, get to the good stuff.
Madison had something really important to talk to Peter about at dinner. She was nervous, stuttering her words and avoiding eye contact through her overly mascaraed lashes. This is going to be juicy, right? Wrong. She wanted Peter to know how important her christian faith is to her and that she’s looking for a man who “loves the Lord” like her dad. Peter was like, “uh…I go to church on Easter and I think you’re pretty, does that count?” Not really, but it didn’t matter what he said, Maddie wasn’t going anywhere. Christian girls are way too good at evangelizing hot guys to give up now. Plus, after Peter stumbled through an explanation that he would like to have a stronger faith, he casually mentioned that he’s falling in love with her. She accepted the date rose and he’ll be an ordained minister by fall.
Natasha Finally Gets Her Chance
It’s okay if you have no idea who Natasha is, neither does Peter. They spent their first solo date together for the entire season exploring Lima and generally having no chemistry. There was absolutely no chance she was going to hometowns. Peter, of course, sent her home, but I want to take a moment to congratulate Natasha on her genius. This woman got to travel to three countries (and Cleveland) for free without sacrificing any more dignity than the average contestant who goes home on week one or two. Well done, Natasha, I hope you wrangle a paid vacation to Mexico out of the deal too.
Kelsey Gets Emotional (Again)
The Peruvian hills were alive with the sound of heavy breathing when Peter and Kelsey had their second one-on-one date of the season. Honestly, it didn’t matter that Peter sounded like he was going into full cardiac arrest after hiking up a hill, Kelsey is all in. If Peter is looking for a sure thing at the end of this season, she’s his girl. She was nervous to tell him that she has been hiding her relationship with her estranged dad from her mom, but Peter loves a hot mess so she got the date rose and an invitation to hometowns.
The last date of the episode was a four-way between Peter, Kelley, Hannah Ann, and Victoria. It’s not nearly as kinky as it sounds. Rather, Peter took turns trying to get each of them to cry so he would feel needed while the other two sat around feeling insecure. Hot.
Hannah Ann used her time to read Peter a list of reason she’s falling in love with him. It was sweet but she’s so young (23) that it looked like she tore it out of her homeroom binder. Kelley went into the date feeling confident about her relationship and told Peter that she wants to keep having “fun” which Peter hated because he thinks fun equals shallow and crying equals deep. Victoria picked a fight with Peter but turned it around to say she’s defensive because she is afraid of losing him. He ate that all the way up.
The producers worked overtime to turn Kelley into a villain on this date. To which I say, not today
satan The Bachelor. Sure Kelley said she wanted to throw the other two under metaphorical buses. Yes, she said they’re young and unemployed, while she’s an accomplished age appropriate attorney. That’s called confidence. You’re not going to talk me into hating her because she’s not an insecure ingenue in need of rescue.
In the end Kelley was sent home because Peter likes his women, young, emotional, and underemployed. Is this season over yet?
Coming Up This Season
I’m proud to report that my final four picks were completely accurate which means Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Victoria, and Madison are taking Peter home next week. What could possibly go wrong? How about an extending glimpse at the rest of the season?
Basically it’s going to be a complete disaster. Victoria is storming away from everyone, Madison is a virgin, Peter admits to having sex with someone, Peter’s mom is crying begging him “bring her home to us”, and then Chris Harrison shows up on engagement day with mysterious news that ruins everything. It’s a smorgasbord of embarrassment and I’m starving for it.
Who do you think will have the most embarrassing hometown? Why is Peter’s mom crying about a stranger? Why does Peter have terrible decision making skills? Let’s talk in the comments.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.