The Bachelorette premiere is finally here with two times the usual number of bachelorettes.
It’s like a BOGO sale at DSW only instead of shoes you get two accomplished women sacrificing their dignity to date 32 men at the same time.
I don’t know about all of you, but I’m immediately adding that to my cart.
Girl Power on The Bachelorette Premiere
Chris Harrison Lite Jesse Palmer introduced the groundbreaking season by acknowledging that he’s “really not sure” how it will work with two bachelorettes. However, rest assured that he thinks it’s important for Gabby and Rachel to “figure it out on their own.”
Because nothing says faux feminism like giving women more work under the guise of equality.
Whatever, it’s not like their treatment of women has stopped me from making this show my whole personality in the past. Bring on Gabby and Rachel hugging each other, toasting with champagne bottles, and giving big Romy and Michelle vibes.
Gabby and Rachel introduced themselves in the usual montages with the over-arching theme that they are both over Clayton, ready for love, and really hoping to find their husband(s).
Hopefully, their husband isn’t the same man, because I do not think Jesse is prepared for a sister wives situation.
Here Come the Cringey Introductions
While Rachel and Gabby have been double-fisting champagne bottles, 32 men have been stewing in hotel rooms without their phones or access to the internet.
All the better for the producers to talk them into an embarrassing limo introduction.
Jordan H. (35, software developer) brought noise-canceling headphones for Gabby and Rachel to take turns wearing while he made awkward small talk with the other. If you listened closely you could hear their hairstylist screaming.
Kirk (29, college football coach) gave the women a football pep talk that he then repeated word for word to the men inside the mansion. Because what’s the point of memorizing a speech if you can’t recite it more than once?
Logan (26, videograper) brought two baby chicks because he had been practicing “hanging out with a couple of cute chicks.” It worked for him, and I don’t know why.
Quincey (25, life coach) wanted Gabby and Rachel to know he’s very intentional, so he hasn’t had sex in 1.5 years. Gabby was like, “That makes one of us.”
Alec (27, wedding photographer) was introduced by a kids choir that harmonized an entire song about how much Clayton sucks. I wish it was the kids that Clayton made forts with during Michelle’s season, but beggers can’t be choosers.
Justin B. (32, physical therapist) arrived barefoot because he’s “grounded.” Doesn’t he know you never allow pictures of your feet on the internet for free?
Roby (33, magician) did a magic trick, but his greatest trick was convincing us that Roby (pronounced row-bee) is a real name.
James (25, meatball enthusiast) brought a giant meatball sub sandwich because his friends call him Meatball. The best part about that sandwich is that it gave Gabby the chance to make ball jokes.
Tino (28, general contractor) drove a forklift and said the ladies looked “forking gorgeous” which was like poetry to Rachel who was immediately crushing.
Termayne (28, crypto guy) walked up to the women, dropped a mic into Gabby’s hand, said “Yeah, I just did that” and then walked out. He really thought he did something.
Spencer (27, venture capitalist) brought folding chairs so the women could sit and take a break from their high heels “because he has a mom and a sister.”
Jacob (27, mortgage broker) arrived shirtless on a horse like the cover of one of the old romance novel books I used to sneak at my grandma’s house. Somehow it was even less hot than it sounds.
Nate (33, electrical engineer) brought a pillow that had photos of the women’s faces on it. Rachel’s face was on one side and Gabby’s was on the other. Which seems like something a serial killer would do, but that’s just me.
Erich (29, real estate analyst) asked Gabby and Rachel to tie his tie for him, a move which is never not hot.
Oh and any man I didn’t mention probably made some sort of stupid joke about Clayton.
Stop, that’s my job.
Time to make a big impression
Unlike in past seasons, the limo entrances were over faster than a Bachelor engagement so you knew the meat of the episode was going to be in the one-on-one conversations.
The vibes were good.
Gabby is incredibly watchable. She’s funny, relatable, and always in on the joke. Every time she’s on the screen she lights up and makes you pay attention. I’m obsessed.
She made quick connections with every man she spoke to (except the Pete Davidson lookalike twins) but she especially connected with Mario, Logan, and Erich.
In the end, it was Mario who got her first impression rose by taking her seriously. Their conversation was vulnerable and sincere, not silly, and he never let her deflect with humor.
I see you, Gabby.
On the other hand, Rachel is a true believer. If anyone is going to fall in love this season it’s her. She’s sincere, looking for a real connection, and so adorable you can’t help but root for her.
Rachel was looking for literally anyone to kiss her, but despite Jordan V. and Erich’s attempts to connect with her, it was Tino who made the first move.
There was no surprise when Tino got her first impression rose. She’s gone for him.
Rose Ceremony already
By the end of the night, Gabby and Rachel had barely spoken to any of the 32 men so they approached Jesse Palmer with a suggestion for how the night should go. He was like, “You two can do whatever the f*ck you want, I get paid either way.”
So they sent magician Roby and the twin discount Pete Davidsons home but kept the remaining 29 guys.
The good news is that Gabby and Rachel are definitely in the drivers’ seats so far this season. In the past, the premiere episode has been dramatic with fighting and hijinx. Instead, this premiere gave us entertainment from Rachel and Gabby directly instead of from the men.
The bad news is that it isn’t going to last.
The trailer for the rest of the season shows that the men have a distinct position of power because they still have two women to choose from. This goes against everything that makes The Bachelorette work. We love to watch 30 men lose their collective minds Stockholm Syndrome style while they fall for one woman. We don’t want to see two women scramble for affection at the expense of their friendship and self-respect.
The patriarchy lives.
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) July 12, 2022
If I have to see Gabby cry all season because these dumbasses make her feel less than Rachel, or vice versa, I will riot.
What did you think of The Bachelorette premiere? Who do you think Rachel and Gabby end up with? Is there any chance we get an actual happy ending this season?
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.