Judging The Bachelorette Bios So You Don’t Have To

ABC/Craig Sjodin

Heidi

Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions…

Cue the dramatic music, hose down the driveway, slap some gel in ~~Chris Harrison~~ Jesse Palmer’s hair, and call me a glutton for punishment because The Bachelorette bios are back and my body* is ready**.

*By body I mean all of my pent of aggression towards mediocre men.

**By ready I mean prepared to absolutely roast the life out of 32 gorgeous men who are probably younger than me and the two women who agreed to date them simultaneously for our entertainment.

It’s like when you hand your dating app to your friends on girl’s night. I’m the jaded married one with kids who had too much tequila.

Don’t worry, it’ll be fun (for me).

Meet the Bachelorette(s)

At the end of Clayton’s disaster of a season, two Bachelorettes were chosen for season 19. Yes two, but the bachelor gods have assured us that Gabby and Rachel will not have to compete for attention like Britt and Kaitlyn did.

Then again they’re also the same people who made Rachel cry so hard that she lost a fingernail, so take that as you will.

Bachelorette #1 is Gabby Windey, a 31-year-old ICU Nurse from Denver who previously dated Dean Unglert. Yes, mustache Dean. She was lovingly described as a dingbat by her grandfather and was gaslit by Clayton into staying on his season after she tried to leave. She is the beautiful, funny, girl next door that you love to root for.

Bachelorette #2 is Rachel Recchia, a 26-year-old pilot from Clearwater, Florida who fell head over heels for dummy dum dum Clayton. Her dad is terrifying and she speaks in a near whisper when not looking super hot. Actually, she speaks in a near whisper all the time because she’s always hot. She’s the cool girl all of the guys loved in high school type.

They’re gorgeous, pretty, and have already been humiliated on national television once before so this season should be easy peasy dumping sleazies.

Let’s judge these Bachelorette Bios

Listen, there are 32 men on this list and it’s summer break so I have three kids cracked out on youtube and an open box of fruit snacks.

In the interest of expediency and the limits of my interest level, I’m going to make this quick and dirty -like a night in the fantasy suites- by telling you each of their biggest red flags.

And then you can sign up for our fantasy league because none of us have anything better to do anyway.

Alec (27) is a Houston area wedding photographer who used to work as a DJ at a roller rink and likes to be the center of attention. A roller rink DJ attention whore? This one is too easy. Alec is an f-boy.

Aven (28) is a Sales Executive from San Diego who seems pretty perfect on paper and in that picture (daaaaamn), but the man only eats out once a week. How are you supposed to live laugh love under those conditions?

Brandon is a 23-year-old bartender from Carlsbad, CA. That’s it. That’s all you need to know.

Chris (30) is a mentality coach from Redondo Beach, CA. Setting aside that make-believe job, this man says that he is his own favorite author. As in he likes reading the books he has more than likely self-published on Jeff Bezos’ side hustle more than any other author in the world. We’re done here.

Colin (36) is a Sales Director from Chicago who loves to travel and is the founding member of his high school’s breakdancing club. His biggest red flag is looking like he wants to sell you a timeshare.

Erich (28) is a real estate agent from New Jersey who looks like Clayton using a pretty Snapchat filter. He has no interest in going to an escape room, wants to see the Northern Lights, and drinks all types of wine. His biggest red flag is not having a red flag. That’s sus.

Ethan (27) is an advertising executive from NYC whose bio pic is making me want to cosplay Mad Men without all of the toxic masculinity. Sadly, he unironically believes in “signs” which led him to believe he’s supposed to be on The Bachelorette this season. Those signs are called casting directors, Ethan.

Hayden (29) is a leisure executive from Tampa who has a dog named Rambo, a touch of a southern accent, and a good ol’ boy vibe. He also thinks he would “thrive at Stagecoach.” Someone call Blake Horstmann.

Jacob (27) is a mortgage broker from Scottsdale who is super into fitness. He wants his wife to turn heads with her looks when she walks through a room and to have a healthy lifestyle. That’s all fine, whatever, he can have his type; but the man doesn’t eat cake. Like, not even on a child’s birthday. Red Flag.

James (25 ) is a meatball enthusiast from Illinois who wants six children. A MEATBALL ENTHUSIAST WHO WANTS SIX KIDS. I’d die single.

Jason (30) is an investment banker from Santa Monica who has Jason Tartick energy. There are so many green flags in that sentence that I don’t even want to know anything else. I mean, the man enjoys stargazing and visiting historical homes. His biggest red flag is that he sounds like a character Nora Roberts made up.

Joey (24) is a “twin” from Connecticut who looks like someone’s little brother who is always hanging around during girl’s night. The fact that he’s a twin means there are two of them in these bachelorette bios, doesn’t it? Why do they hate us? Anyway, he loves cheeseburgers and go-karts, because of course he does.

John (26) is an English teacher from Nashville. The green flag of being a teacher is canceled out for being from Nashville. Hate when that happens. John sounds like a sweet guy, but he also wants to be the face of a clothing brand and I’ve seen enough Facebook ads featuring Brendon “I’m not dating Peiper” M. from Tayshia’s season to last me a lifetime.

Johnny (25) is a realtor from Palm Beach Gardens, FL who comes from a large Italian family and loves to travel. It’s like they made this man for Rachel. Unfortunately, his childhood dream was to become a rapper. That’s never a good sign from a white boy from Florida.

Jordan H (35) is a software developer also from Florida who wants a ton of kids. I’ve never pretended to be politically unbiased so when I say he’s an amateur dirt bike rider from Florida whose favorite holiday is the fourth of July, I think you know what his red flag is.

Jordan V (27) is a professional race car driver from Georgia who reminds me of Pilot Pete. Like, he’s a hot, probably nice guy with an exciting job who will absolutely cheat on you.

Justin B (32) is a physical therapist from Solana Beach, CA who I am ashamed to admit is 100% my type so I will be biased in his favor forever. I hate this about me too. His biggest red flag is wanting to travel in a van across the country. I’m not trying to get murdered.

Justin Y (24) is the other twin from Connecticut. I’m over this bit already. They look like someone bought Pete Davidson on Wish with a BOGO coupon.

Kirk (29) is a college football coach from Lubbock, Texas who is reminding me of my Coach Eric Taylor phase. He enjoys golf and wants an independent woman, but I can smell a virgin subplot from a mile away.

Logan (26) is a videographer from San Diego who self-describes as a California beach boy who likes a woman who is artsy. It doesn’t really matter what his red flags are because his lifelong crush is Elaine from Seinfeld and that’s the greenest of green flags.

Mario (31) is a personal trainer from Illinois who says he has done the work to make him emotionally available and ready for a wife. We love a man who has done the work. His only red flag is that he says he’s a ball of energy which usually means he’ll be friend zoned in the mansion.

Matt (25) is a shipping executive from San Diego who owns his own “empire” and is looking for someone who is ambitious and loyal. He seems great, but as someone who has survived more than one round of MLM pyramid schemes “hEy giRl” emails from my high school friends, his job is giving red flag.

Micheal (32) is a pharmaceutical salesman from Long Beach, CA which we all know means he’s bound to be a former college athlete. He leads with logic more than romance, but that’s all fine, whatever. What scares me is that he made a point to say that his parents love him. Why…why does that need to be confirmed? My side-eye is activated.

Nate (33) is an electrical engineer from Chicago who has absolutely zero red flags in his bio and looks like Killmonger from Black Panther. I’m all in. The man enjoys gas station Slurpees and making picnics. What’s not to love? Honestly, the only red flag I see is his name but that’s because of my own past trauma from Michelle’s season.

Quincy (25) is a life coach from Miami who treats women as “strong beautiful women”. His red flag is being a 25-year-old life coach from Miami.

Roby (33) is a magician from Los Angeles. You might think that would be his red flag, but you’d be wrong. It’s that he wants to live in a home that has secret tunnels in it. I’ve seen Silence of the Lambs.

Ryan (36) is an investment director from Boston who is a proud Botox enthusiast and wants to open a dog rescue someday. His red flag is wanting a love story like from a Nicholas Sparks novel. He knows someone always dies at the end of those, right?

Spencer (27) is a venture capitalist from Chicago who thinks EDM is ridiculous and gets lots of compliments on his eyebrows. I can’t put my finger on it exactly, but his whole bio gives off major villain energy.

Termayne (28) is a “crypto guy” from Illinois whose biggest turn-on is a woman who can talk about NFTs. There is no bigger red flag on this planet.

Tino (28) is a general contractor from Playa Del Rey, CA who wants a woman who will change their community for the better with him and their four kids. His red flag is that 90% of what he eats is meat. Someone throw the man a vegetable.

Tyler (25) is a small business owner from New Jersey. The words “Italian stallion” were used in his bio and I don’t know if the producers wrote it or he did, but either way, I got the ick.

Zach (25) is a tech executive from Anaheim who loves big romantic gestures and giving high fives like in the volleyball scene of Top Gun. His biggest red flag is that he hasn’t shaved all of that facial hair down into a Miles Teller mustache yet.