From the moment his name was announced to the first time we heard him utter the words, “I was intimate with both of you,” we knew this season of The Bachelor was going to be a wild ride. But nothing could have prepared us for Clayton’s finale.
It was less of a wild ride and more of a slow-motion car crash of secondhand cringe that I couldn’t look away from.
If we thought last week’s fantasy date episode was a nightmare, we hadn’t seen anything yet.
Clayton’s Finale is Live
Clayton’s finale was about to be so bad, that Jesse Palmer greeted the live audience like he was hosting the Hunger Games. He spread his arms wide and said we were about to watch the “rose ceremony from hell” like it was all he could do to stop himself from clapping.
It was a mood and I didn’t hate it.
Once Jesse was done hyping up the demise of Clayton’s happiness, the actual episode began with a truly hilarious scene of Clayton sitting in an empty church while a choir sang a haunting song in what I assume was Icelandic. It sounded like they were about to set fire to his funeral pyre.
Basically the story here is that Clayton is broken now that Susie has left. His walls are back up
where they belong and he no longer trusts his remaining girlfriends. So he has come up with a grand plan to be “1000% transparent” and tell Rachel and Gabby everything.
Jesse was like, “Uh, that’s going to be television gold, but are you sure about that buddy?”
Obviously our beloved dummy dum dum Clayton was fully committed to the plan.
The Rose Ceremony From Hell
Jesse is earning his paycheck this week because he greeted both Gabby and Rachel at the rose ceremony with a poker face he should take straight to Vegas. No, seriously. He even asked Gabby to confirm that Clayton had told her that he is falling in love with her just in case she needed a quick recap before she got her heart ripped out.
Ice in his veins.
With that little boost in confidence from their host, Gabby and Rachel were feeling good as they walked up a long set of stairs to see the rose podium. However, confusion quickly set in when they realized Susie wasn’t coming.
Does this mean they’re the final two? Should we start celebrating?
Not so fast, ladies. Here comes your man to ruin everything.
Clayton walked out and prefaced his speech with the fact that he is devasted and no longer the man they were last with.
Off to a great start.
Then he told them that Susie left because she couldn’t deal with him being in love or intimate with anyone else.
Just in case that wasn’t clear enough, he uttered his infamous sentence from the trailer, “I was in love with her, I am in love with both of you, and I was in intimate with both of you.”
They stood in silence for a brief awkward moment and then both women ran off in different directions as their sobs echoed in the hall.
Gabby Gets Clarity
Of the two women, Gabby was the first to become visibly emotional, but it quickly turned to anger.
Sure, she spent her time crying to production and wondering if it would be better to just leave, but soon she approached Clayton directly for clarity.
She asked him to explain what happened with Susie, but she became more and more annoyed the more he tried to explain himself. To her, “exploring” relationships was not definitively stating that he was in love. She asked him why he couldn’t save those words for the final person and asked how he’d feel in her position.
To which Clayton stated that whomever he picked at the end would “be the woman I love the most.”
Gabby cried into a camera and said, “Love isn’t measured. You can’t measure love. I don’t want to be loved the most. I want to be loved for who I am.”
Rachel Took a Different Approach
While Gabby was trying to get clarity, Rachel was sobbing uncontrollably on the stairs. She cried so hard that one of her fingernails came off.
Sure they’ve spent maybe 22 cumulative hours together, but we were witnessing true heartbreak.
Eventually, she got up and spoke to Clayton but her body language was markedly different from Gabby’s. She held his hand, sat close to him, and let him put his hand on her knee and comfort her.
Rachel told him that she felt like she was breaking and that last week wasn’t special. She loves him so much that she can’t imagine how he could have done this to her.
Clayton stroked her back and told her that it’s hard to explain but, like, his love is, like, different for her than it is for Gabby.
Rachel was terrified but so completely in love with him that she was willing to take the risk of agreeing to take their relationship day by day.
I’ve done stupid things for love, but I’ve never done that.
Time for Roses
I can’t believe they’re still going through with the rose ceremony, but the show must go on so here it comes.
Gabby and Rachel stood blank-faced with all of their makeup cried off waiting for their turn at the guillotine while Clayton stood in front of the roses apologizing profusely and hoping that he had done enough to convince them to stay.
He called Rachel’s name first, told her that he meant everything he said and offered her the rose. She accepted it.
Then he called Gabby’s name, told her that he also meant everything he said to her, and offered her the rose. She rejected it.
I cheered…but I shouldn’t have because Clayton has talked himself out of tougher corners than this one.
As they said their last goodbyes, Clayton said some manipulative ish asking her to choose with her heart and reconsider her decision. Gabby cried and said that this pain hurt too bad and she couldn’t live through it a second time.
To which Clayton…you guessed it…told her to take their relationship day by day because what they have is different and real.
Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, five minutes ago when he said it to Rachel.
Speaking of Rachel, while Clayton was off brainwashing Gabby, she was sitting on the ground in her gown lamenting the fact that she was still there by default. She didn’t want to just be the last woman standing. She wanted to be the only one chosen.
Well, it looks like Clayton is a wish-granting fairy because he got his way and Gabby returned to the rose ceremony, accepted the rose, and the three of them stood in awkward silence.
I’ve never been so disappointed.
Clayton’s Finale Involves His Family
I can’t even believe this season kept right on rolling like Clayton hadn’t singlehandedly ruined it, but here come his parents and two brothers.
His poor family was expecting a free trip to Iceland and maybe to meet their future daughter-in-law, but instead, they got their kid confessing that he was love-bombing half the cast and handing out orgasms like candy.
Clayton’s mom couldn’t understand how he could be in love with three people. His dad was firmly team women and thought he had “screwed the pooch.”
And then Gabby walked in feeling awkward like she’s the one who had done something wrong.
They’re going to make me hate this show.
Anyway, Gabby killed it with the parents and had such a good time that by the end of it she was more confident of Clayton than ever. She said she absolutely made the right choice to stay and that she’s in love.
What is in the water they’re giving these women?
Rachel Meets the Parents
Gabby and Rachel swapped places the next day so Rachel could meet the family. She was her usual effusive self so it’s no surprise that she won them over as well.
She gushed about her love for him so much that by the end of the meeting it seemed clear that she was the frontrunner. We’ve all seen their connection from the beginning and now it’s playing out in front of Clayton’s family as well.
This seems pretty cut and dry to me.
Clayton is Still an Idiot
Alas, this is Clayton’s finale and nothing can be that simple.
This dumbass walked back into the room after kissing Rachel goodbye and told his family that he finally has clarity on what he wanted.
It’s Rachel. It’s Gabby.
What in the actual ever-loving eff is he talking about?
Susie?!?! The woman who he treated like garbage for wanting to leave last week? The one he said he didn’t even recognize anymore? That Susie?
His family was like, “Yo, Susie ditched your ass. She doesn’t want you. Move on.”
But Clayton wouldn’t hear it. He said that he doesn’t care what happens, he has to follow his heart.
His mom looked flabbergasted and said, “Why were you intimate with two other women if you knew you wanted her?!”
Yeah, Clayton, why?!
Clayton was like “IDK YOLO” and demanded Susie like a toddler who wants all the toys he currently has plus the ones he donated to charity last week.
Whatever, there’s no getting through to this man child so everyone may as well just give in and see where this goes. Jesse walked into the middle of their family conversation and offered to ask Susie (who is still in Iceland) if she was willing to speak to Clayton.
The first night of Clayton’s finale ended with his family looking on in shock as Clayton said yes.
This dude sucks so bad.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.