The only thing more fantastical than Clayton’s fantasy suite dates is that I pretend to have better things to do than watch four hours over two nights of The Bachelor.
Instead, I and 3.6 million viewers watched Clayton spend his Monday night getting raked through the last dying embers of his cast’s fifteen minutes of fame at the Women Tell All. Then, on Tuesday night we watched aghast as Clayton told Susie, Gabby, and Rachel that he was in love with (all of) them on fantasy suite week.
Buckle up, this is about to be a disaster.
Welcome to Reykjavik
There’s no better way to celebrate International Women’s Day than by confining three accomplished women in a hotel room in Iceland while Jesse Palmer tells them they’ll all take turns sleeping with their boyfriend that week.
Gabby and Rachel were kinda blasé about the whole thing, but Susie’s body language was like, “This is not the sister wives situation I signed up for.”
The show cut to an interview of her saying that she only has sex with people she’s committed to and that if Clayton doesn’t have the same standard it will be an issue with her.
Meanwhile, Clayton was off talking about how he’s falling for Gabby and Rachel, but that he’s already in love with Susie.
All I’m saying is that now would be a good time for Susie to hire a courier pigeon or whatever they have in Iceland to give the guy a heads up.
Rachel and Clayton’s Fantasy Suite Date
The first overnight date of the week went to Rachel who Clayton took on a helicopter ride to a volcano. Clayton kept talking about the need to go deep with Rachel, and like, we get it bro, the chemistry is good.
Oh, he meant that they were going to go deep into a volcano. Gotcha.
At dinner that night, Rachel told Clayton that being chosen last at the previous rose ceremony had really messed her up emotionally. So he told her that he had something he had been holding back. He’s in love with her. In fact, he told her that he hasn’t felt the feelings he feels for her
since the last time he saw Susie in five years.
If I thought Rachel was glowing after he told her that he loved her, it quickly paled in comparison to her glow after they woke up together in the fantasy suite.
They’re in love and all sexed-up like a couple of Amish kids on rumspringa.
Susie is going to flip.
Gabby and Clayton
There was no chance that Susie would get the next of Clayton’s fantasy suites dates when they could make her suffer a little more, so it was Gabby’s turn.
Clayton and Gabby rode dune buggies and then had a chat in a diner while Clayton wore an orange turtleneck that put Nick Viall’s to shame.
These two have fun together, but it’s pretty clear that they’re better off as friends. Oh, wait, what’s that? Clayton is falling for Gabby too?
Okay, forget everything I said, Clayton is going 2 for 2 in the fantasy suites. I mean, sure he woke up wearing a shirt this time but that tent looked cold and Gabby said it didn’t feel like their first time.
As he left Gabby behind Clayton once again yelled out that he was falling in love with her. Then Gabby rolled into the awkward sister-wives post-coital sit down with bed hair.
Susie is not okay, just the way this show wants her.
Susie has Boundaries
By the time Susie’s date finally came around she had spiraled so far that they literally showed her walking down a spiral staircase while she looked stressed out.
Basically, she had a hard boundary about sex and exchanging words of love without ever informing Clayton of that boundary. So every time she thought about his overnight dates with the other women, it wasn’t under the bizarre social contract that this show operates in. Instead, it was a test of Clayton’s loyalty.
A test he had no idea he was taking and failing badly.
So yes, they spent the day groping each other in a lagoon, and sure, he told her that he was in love with her. But none of that mattered to Susie if he had slept with someone else.
Things Go From Bad to Worse
At dinner that night, Clayton was feeling good about his prospects of going 3 for 3, but then Susie was forthright and asked him if he’s slept with another woman or fallen in love.
Clayton was like, “Uhhhhhh you told me you didn’t want to be my default so yeah…I explored other relationships.”
Okay, actually he slept with both Rachel and Gabby and told them both he’s falling in love, but who is keeping track?
Susie stayed calm but expressed that this was a hard stop for her and she couldn’t see a path forward for them.
While I think it’s unfortunate that Susie never informed Clayton of her boundaries, his response for the remainder of the episode made me want all three women to run for their lives.
First, he told her that he was the most in love with her and begged her to fight for them. Then, when she enforced her boundary, he got mean.
He told her that nothing she says matters. She has ruined his experience and invalidated everything they’ve been through. He said her behavior was BS, and that he didn’t even know who he was looking at.
Then he walked four feet in front of her to the car, held the door open, and stared in silence while she tried to end on a good note.
All that my notes said for the end of the episode said was, “ASSHOLE!!!”
If Clayton thought he was getting bad press over the last few weeks I think he’s in for a harsh surprise. Next week is the final two episodes spread over Monday and Tuesday night when even his parents are going to berate him. Will he end up with Gabby or Rachel? Is he single AF now? We’re so close to being put out of our collective misery and finding out.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.