I Read The Bachelor Cast Bios So You Don’t Have To

ABC/Craig Sjodin

Heidi

Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions…

When The Bachelor‘s 27th season premieres this coming Monday I will only know two truths:

1. I care less about watching Zach Shallcross find love than I do about nearly anything.
2. I’m 100% going to watch every moment of his cursed season anyway.

Some things never change.

Who is Zach Shallcross anyway?

In the words of Keke Palmer, “I don’t know who this man is. He could be walking down the street and I wouldn’t know a thing. Sorry to this man.”

Okay, that’s not exactly true. I do unfortunately remember Zach as the eager man with the surprisingly deep voice who fell for Rachel last season on The Bachelorette. They bonded over watching airplanes take off with their fathers or something.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Anaheim Ducks (@anaheimducks)

Aside from his history on the show (he self-eliminated after fantasy suite week), all we know is that Zach is a 26-year-old “tech exec” who splits his time between Texas and his hometown of Orange County, California.

A brief dive into his Instagram page proves he likes football and has a bunch of white, male friends.

Oh, and his uncle is Puddy from Seinfeld/the voice of Kronk in The Emporer’s New Groove depending on your age.

We know so little about this man that I fully expect something scandalous to come up from his past on Reddit by the end of March.

Let’s talk about The Bachelor cast bios

Now that we’ve established that Zach is just the diving board upon which his cast of 32 women will spring their influencer careers, let’s talk about the ladies.

And by “talk about them” I mean let’s find the biggest red flag from their cast bios to judge for our entertainment.

Aly is a 26-year-old healthcare strategist from Atlanta. You might think her red flag is having a Goldendoodle named Texas, but actually, it’s that she’s a Disney adult.

Anastasia is a 30-year-old Content Marketing Manager from San Diego. Anastasia fears the day skinny jeans come back into style and is “intimidated by monkeys”. Her biggest red flag is referencing her big Greek family because we are now going to be forced to hear a thousand bad jokes about that movie.

Ariel is a 28-year-old marketing executive from NYC who hates tarantulas and loves to read Architectural Digest. Her biggest red flag is that she’s a thrill seeker and everyone knows thrill seekers are Bachelor in Paradise bait.

Bailey is a 27-year-old recruiter from Nashville. She’d love to be a professional skydiver and she likes spicy margs. By far her biggest red flag is being from Nashville.

Becca is a 25-year-old nursing student from Burbank who wore a lot of beanies in high school and “gave off a skater vibe”. Her biggest red flag is an affinity for forbidden romance books because there’s no way they haven’t altered her brain chemistry into thinking she can actually fall in love on this show.

Brianna is a 24-year-old entrepreneur from Jersey City who owns her own beauty company. Her biggest red flag is that she has high expectations for her future partner. There’s zero chance those expectations are being met on a wet driveway in Agoura Hills.

Brooklyn is a 25-year-old rodeo racer from Stillwater, Oklahoma who designs fake teeth for her day job. Her biggest red flag is being a two-stepping pro. We’ve been down this road with Pilot Pete before. It did not end well.

Cara is a 27-year-old corporate recruiter from Pittsburgh, PA who hates seeing trash on the floor. Her biggest red flag is loving Christmas music enough to mention it in her bio.

Cat is a 26-year-old dancer from NYC who loves hot dogs and doesn’t do dinner dates. Her biggest red flag is the Glamour Shots pose she’s doing in her cast photo.

Charity is a 26-year-old child and family therapist from Georgia who “throws a mean ax” and loves the movie The Notebook. Her biggest red flag is being a therapist who is willing to go on The Bachelor.

Christina is a 26-year-old content creator from Nashville…just like every past contestant of this franchise. She is a divorced single mom to a five-year-old daughter, but her biggest red flag is that CrossFit is her favorite sport.

Davia is a 25-year-old marketing manager from Charelston who can out-burp anyone and depends on Taylor Swift when she’s going through a breakup. Her biggest red flag is that her life is described as “not always being easy”. I can smell a sad backstory from here.

Gabi is a 25-year-old account executive from Vermont whose favorite Kardashian is Kris. Surprisingly, her biggest red flag is not that she already has her wedding venue picked out. It’s that she admitted it to Bachelor producers.

Genevie is a 26-year-old neonatal nurse from Baltimore who can kind of drive a stick shift. Her biggest red flag is being a big fan of Coleen Hoover books. I will not be taking questions at this time.

Greer is a 24-year-old medical sales rep from Houston who likes forehead kisses and flea markets. Her biggest red flag is that she is never embarrassed. They’re absolutely going to try to break her.

Holland is a 24-year-old insurance marketer from Boca Raton, Florida who loves yachting and thinks air conditioning is a must-have. Her biggest red flag is that her favorite tv show is The Bachelor. Relatable.

Jess is a 23-year-old e-commerce coordinator from Orlando who comes from a big Puerto Rican family and loves playing Bananagrams. Her biggest red flag is that her favorite date activity is playing with puppies. Are there people who do that outside of those old Buzzfeed videos?

Kaity is a 27-year-old ER nurse from Austin who wants kids and loves roller coasters. Her biggest red flag is being a figure skater. You can’t live through the Tonya Harding years and trust those people.

Katherine is a 26-year-old RN from Tampa who is looking for a man who will be her best friend. Her biggest red flag is that she claims she could survive on breakfast pastries. No one with skin and hair like her survives on Pop-Tarts and bear claws, don’t lie to me.

Kimberly is a 30-year-old hospitality manager from Los Angeles who wants to be a mom and loves to drink wine in her pajamas. Speaking from experience, drinking wine in your PJs is just one minivan from waiting in the carpool lane so she’s well on her way. Her biggest red flag is that she is “not here to mess around”. Good luck with that.

Kylee is a 25-year-old postpartum nurse from Charlotte, North Carolina who is a former NBA dancer and likes using Olaplex oil on her hair. Her biggest red flag is that she “falls in love hard and fast”. Just the way we like ’em.

Lekha is a 29-year-old financial advisor from Miami who moved to the US from India when she was 7. Her love language is massages and she loves abs on a man. Her biggest red flag is that going to Stagecoach is on her bucket list. We all know how that turns out.

Madison is a 26-year-old business owner from Fargo, North Dakota who raised her two younger siblings. She was a presidential scholar and would like the power to pause time. Her biggest red flag is that she hates sauces. Like, all sauces.

Mercedes is a 24-year-old non-profit owner from Iowa who likes showing pigs at the county fair and would rather order in than cook. Her biggest flag is that she lists her occupation as a “non-profit” owner and then goes on to say that she has four jobs. I’m beginning to think that dating Zach is her charity work.

Olivia L. is a 24-year-old patient care technician from Rochester, New York whose first love was basketball. She comes from a family of jet-ski enthusiasts and yells at people who litter. Her biggest red flag is that she was inspired to join the medical field after watching Grey’s Anatomy. The Bachelor for love and Grey’s Anatomy for career? Quick, someone turn on ABC Primetime and find out what happens next.

Olivia M. is a 25-year-old stylist from Cincinnati who loves carbs and can sound like a dolphin. Her biggest red flag is that she color coordinates her bookshelves.

Sonia is a 29-year-old project manager from Long Island who is obsessed with Elvis and never says “no” to a dare. Her biggest red flag is that she dreams of one day visiting Arizona. Dream big, Sonia.

Vanessa is a 23-year-old restaurant manager from Baton Rouge who considers herself to be a “top-notch foodie”. She loves cherries, played freeze tag a lot as a kid, and would like to duet with Barry Gibb. Her red flag is having the most random cast bio of all time. That’s saying something.

Victoria J. is a 30-year-old makeup artist from Fort Worth who likes emo-punk music and hates the cold. Her biggest red flag is that she doesn’t understand the hype around Pete Davidson.

Viktoria E. is a 29-year-old Nanny from Austria who moved to the US in 2013. She won’t eat blue tortilla chips and she loves cheesy Christmas movies. Her biggest red flag is moving all the way to the United States only to end up dating Kronk’s nephew on a reality TV show.