The Bachelor continues its gap year backpacking across Europe, stopping in Budapest, Hungary.
Apparently being within 14 hours of an active war zone breeds romance or something.
The Stakes are Getting Higher
Week seven opened with Jesse Palmer earning his sizable salary with the least effort possible by asking Zach where things stand.
Why do I bother writing these recaps if you’re just going to do this every week, Jesse?
Anyway, here’s who is left in the running to be Zach Shallcross’ new
mommy ex-girlfriend temporary fiancé:
- Ariel, 28, a marketing executive from New York City, N.Y. who Zach likes because she’s terrifyingly cool.
- Brooklyn, 25, a rodeo racer from Stillwater, Oklahoma who picks every argument but has a sad background story.
- Charity, 26, a child and family therapist from Columbus, Georgia who has somehow convinced herself she likes Zach.
- Gabriella “Gabi,” 25, an account executive from Pittsford, Vermont who Zach describes as “quirky.”
- Greer, 24, a medical sales rep from Houston, Texas who got covid last week and has zero chance of making it through this episode.
- Kaitlyn “Kaity,” 27, an ER nurse from Austin, Texas who is probably his perfect match in every way but kinda boring.
- Katherine “Kat,” 26, a registered nurse from Tampa, Florida who is way too hot for Zach and is going to dominate in Paradise.
At the end of this week, Zach has to decide which four women will move on to hometown dates.
You know, like an extended one-on-one date but with the added benefit of dragging relatives into it.
Kaity + Zach
The first one-on-one date in Budapest went to Kaity who hasn’t had a solo date since back in episode three when she was wearing matching pajamas with Zach in front of those dinosaur fossils.
In Bachelor terms that’s basically a long-distance relationship.
Kaity and Zach took advantage of their day by butchering the pronunciation of Budapest while exploring all the city had to offer.
They ate the food, rode the funicular, and wrote each other love letters.
But the highlight was when some women The Bachelor had clearly roped into talking to them asked how long they’ve been together.
“A couple of weeks,” they giggled.
Quick, get engaged. What could go wrong?
At dinner that night Kaity tried to open up to Zach about her daddy issues.
Sadly, her bio dad and step-dad BOTH abandoned her family before she reached the age of 8. You could tell that she was really pushing herself to be vulnerable because she knows this show requires it, but it was just too hard in these circumstances.
You know, because we are all watching from our living rooms and calling her childhood trauma “daddy issues”.
Zach was sort of reassuring and she obviously got the date rose and a ticket to hometowns before they enjoyed one of Budapest’s famous thermal baths.
I still think Kaity is a top-two contender, but if she doesn’t open up emotionally in a radical manner by next week, he’s going to start to panic that she’s not the one.
Yes, I realize how absolutely bonkers that is.
Things Get Mental on The Bachelor
If you thought the witchcraft date from Estonia was wild, wait until you hear about the mentalist in Budapest.
Kat, Ariel, Charity, and Gabi met up with Zach and a man who had bleached hair like my high school crush circa the early 2000s.
The man ended up being a mentalist who spent time with each woman “reading their minds” in order to get to their true feelings.
In other words, a man who had full access to the same bachelor producers these women had confided in for weeks exposed their worst insecurities.
I see you, Bachelor, and I appreciate you.
Gabi is insecure.
Ariel is shut off.
Charity has trust issues.
Kat doesn’t even want to be here.
Such a fun date night idea, guys. Saving this one for the next time I have a babysitter and want to instigate a divorce.
By the time they got to the after-party, everyone was a mess.
Charity felt sabotaged. Gabi was in a full ADHD meltdown. Kat was sobbing. Ariel was…well Ariel was sitting stoically like usual, but she said she was upset and I’m intimidated by her so I’m going with it.
Zach heard them all out with his signature look of disdain when any real emotion is expressed. It is not difficult to tell who this man is still interested and it is not Kat.
In the end, he offered Gabi the date rose and a guaranteed ticket to hometowns leaving only two spots left.
Cue more spiraling for everyone else (except Ariel).
Despite Zach barely tolerating Greer since week four in the Bahamas and giving her Covid in London during week five, Greer is still here.
Not for long though.
One moment she was happy to be released from quarantine and the next he was crying telling her they were too far behind the other relationships.
She sobbed with all of the disappointment due to a first impression rose recipient who never got a date and then she was gone for good.
Brooklyn in Budapest
After dumping Greer, Zach geared up for a day of riding bikes and hot air balloons with Brooklyn.
Once they landed back on the ground they fulfilled the rest of The Bachelor’s contractual obligations to the tourism board of Budapest by visiting a public bath house. Brooklyn wore a face full of makeup and never got her hair wet while some locals gave them relationship advice.
As a Bachelor connoisseur, I knew this date was just a vehicle for Zach to finally get a big dramatic break-up during a one-on-one date; but first, she had to expose more of her personal family history for our entertainment.
Basically, she lived with her grandpa and she couldn’t wait to introduce him to Zach at hometowns.
Too bad so sad, because he was dumping her ass.
They both cried, but no one cried harder than Charity when she saw Brooklyn’s suitcase get rolled away.
Zach walked into the Rose Ceremony with a fresh haircut like a woman who cuts bangs after a breakup.
Kaity and Gabi already have roses so it comes down to Charity, Ariel, and Kat when deciding who would complete the quadruplet of love.
Ariel got the first rose.
Would it be Charity or Kat?
The tension was thick.
JK it was extremely obvious that Charity was getting the last rose.
Kat was way too emotional for Zach who prefers his women positive and easy-going so she’s going home.
She was obviously devastated, but the most interesting thing about Kat’s goodbye was that it was the first time that he actually seemed to care.
In my opinion, he knows it’s down to two women (Kaity and Gabi) and everyone else is just a speed bump on the way to his happily ever after.
Or at least his happily two to three months.
Next week we’ll be hit with a doubleheader. It’ll be hometowns on Monday night and Women Tell All on Tuesday. Then we’ll see Zach’s attempt at a sex ban during fantasy week in Thailand.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.