The Bachelor Recap: Zach had a Party Pooper at the Pool Party

Heidi

Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions…

The third episode of The Bachelor felt like someone found Zach Shallcross’ Tumblr posts from 2013 and then planned his dream week around them.

Life is good for a 6’4″ cloud tech salesman from Austin reliving his childhood dreams of playing football with the pros, skydiving, sleeping under dinosaur fossils, and having a pool party with 17 of his girlfriends.

Until it isn’t.

Zach Needs a New Bestie

The episode opened with Zach giving Sean Lowe a Facetime update on his quest to find “his best friend.” Sean probably said some nice things, but the wifi at the mansion is trash so he kept glitching out like it was a work zoom meeting.

Meanwhile, Jesse Palmer was back at the mansion with all of Zach’s new ~~girlfriends~~ besties. He explained that there would be two romantic one-on-one dates this week and one torturously large group date that probably involves bodily harm.

I may have embellished that last part but we all know I’m right.

A Night at the Museum

The first one-on-one date of the week went to Kaity a blonde 27-year-old ER nurse from Austin.

Holdup, there’s already a pretty nurse who lives in his hometown who is into him? Have these people never heard of Bumble?

We could have avoided this whole mess if they were just better at dating IRL.

Happily for us, they aren’t, so we got to see their date night at a Natural History Museum where they dined under dinosaur fossils.

It was like a group date only with a worse skin care routine.

Kaity told Zach that her ex messed her up pretty bad so all she’s looking for in a future life partner is someone who does the basics, like her treat her well.

Zach is a red-blooded American white male so he was like, “It’s me! I can do that!” She got the rose and then he invited her to stay the night at the museum.

They frolicked around in matching silk pajamas and cuddled up for an overnight date in a tent like Harry and Meghan fanfiction.

I think Kaity is in it for the long haul.

Bachelor Bowl V

The next morning, Kaity walked back into the Bachelor mansion at 7 am wearing silk pajamas, bed head and waving her rose around.

Everyone was playing it cool but internally freaking the eff out.

Time to make them beat on each other in a game of full tackle football.

Listen, I care less about football than I do about the life cycle of ants. I do not know who the two professional football player guest coaches were. I do not have any idea who that announcer lady was.

I will, however, watch every second of the ladies hitting each other so hard that Gabi peed herself.

In the end, team Blue Ball Zachs (yes, actually) won the game and the opportunity to attend the after-party.

Zach spent time with each of the winners, but the main storyline here was that Christina is starting to bug the shit out of everyone for oversharing her previous one-on-one date.

Or at least that was the main storyline until Bailey asked Zach for some validation and he was like “Sorry, I’m all sold out,” and sent her home.

Charity got the date rose, but her joy was quickly overshadowed by Christina who made it about her own disappointment.

All of the women turned on Christina. They told her to shut her mouth and choose her moment but she was like, “Nah, that’s not my vibe.”

There’s no way this ends well (for her, it’s going to be great for us).

Aly and Zach Fall for Each Other

More about Christina later.

Next up was Aly’s (a 26-year-old healthcare strategist from Atlanta) turn to jump out of an airplane with Zach.

Time to mark your bingo card, it’s the skydiving one-on-one date.

Aly is great and game for whatever, but I need someone to explain to me why they made them dress up in wedding clothes for the jump. No woman deserves to be wearing a white lace jumpsuit with a parachute harness.

At dinner that night, Aly shared with Zach that she was looking for someone to be her safe place. Zach just kept calling her “kick-ass” and then gave her the rose.

They ended the night with dancing and kissing while some guy with a made-up name sang a song you’ve never heard.

Things Get Heated at the Pool Party

Who needs a cocktail party when you can get 17 gorgeous women in bikinis for a pool party?

Me, I needed the cocktail party, but I’m not in charge so instead, we got Zach and his hairy chest kissing the women in front of each other.

It was all fun and games until America’s rose recipient, Brianna, told Zach that she wanted to go home.

He agreed with her choice but then she told him that part of the reason she never felt safe in the mansion was because of Christina’s behavior.

Specifically, she mentioned that Christina had made both Charity and herself cry.

Zach immediately pulled Christina away to discuss the issue. Zach’s point was that he has such a limited amount of time to find his “best friend” that he doesn’t have time for the bullshit.

Christina sobbed and said, “I don’t want to be the victim but…” while she continued to make herself the victim.

Then Zach got Brianna’s story corroborated by three other people while Christina sobbed on the stairs.

Pool party over.

Rose Ceremony

This season continues to follow the classic rhythm of an episode so, despite the juicy drama that could have easily bled into next week, we got the whole story wrapped up in one.

I honestly didn’t think they had it in them.

It turns out that Zach had enough roses left for all but one person, and that one person going home was…

Christina.

She was good TV but he already wasn’t sold on being a single dad to her daughter. Letting her go for the sake of the house made sense and if Zach has proven anything in the past three episodes it’s that he is logical and decisive.

He changes my opinion of him with every scene.

Oh, and my condolences to everyone born before 1980 who was stoked for a Barbara Mandrell appearance at hometowns. There’s always Paradise.