Zach Shallcross’ second episode as The Bachelor had it all: a tech bro simultaneously dating twenty women, a rapper teaching them to channel their “bad bitch energy,” someone’s mom’s birthday party, and the return of Tazhjuan.
What a time to be alive.
Everyone Gets a Date
Not only has Zach already whittled his harem down to 20 women, but he has also decided that every one of them would get a date this week.
What does he think this is, a dating show?
Before we knew it Davia, Cat, Mercedes, Genevie, Brianna, Brooklyn, Katherine, Bailey, and Kylee were arriving at what I can only assume is a strip club. I’m basing that assumption purely on aesthetics. Like, there was a bar covered in neon lights, a bright pink door that led directly onto a lit-up catwalk, and velvet furniture that I wouldn’t sit on if you paid me.
Romance is obviously brewing.
Things got turned up a notch when rapper Latto arrived to teach the women how to find their bad bitch energy. You know, like from her song that you’ve heard literally everywhere.
The lessons included walking the catwalk while wearing various embarrassing costumes and sharing their biggest bad bitch moment with the group.
Most importantly, this group date included the entrance of classic Bachelor
bitches villains Tahzjuan (Colton’s season), Victoria (Pilot Pete’s season), and Courtney (way back in Ben F.’s season).
They didn’t have a lot to offer the date, but by the end, Tazhjuan named herself the baddest bitch of them all and declared that she’d join Zach’s season if he invited her.
I’ve never prayed harder for something to happen in my life.
Bad Bitch Energy at the After Party
At the after-party that night, Zach continued to deepen his connection with Katherine while the women waxed poetic about how well they all get along.
Hold onto your weaves, ladies because that won’t last long.
Right around then, in walked Tazhjuan like the answer to all of my prayers. She had decided that since she
and Zach have absolutely zero chemistry thought Zach was hot, she should probably join the season.
While Zach took a moment to question all of his life’s choices that led him to this hellhole, Tazhjuan taunted the other women on the date.
She told them that it was painful to watch them on stage that afternoon and that she was going after what she wanted.
It was like that scene in The Office when Micheal says, “this is a dream that I’ve had since lunch and I am not giving up on it now.”
In the end, Zach sent Tazhjuan home for good but not before she stirred up the perfect amount of angst among the women. Just like she was sent to do.
Then Zach said, “I think who I’m giving this rose to is…uh…Katherine” and the date ended.
Christina Meets the Parents
The first one-on-one date went to Christina, the only contestant on the season to warrant a last name in her chyron.
It turns out that her mom and aunt were famous in the early 80s. I’ve personally never heard the name “Barbara Mandrell and the Mandrell Sisters” before but maybe it means something to you.
For the purpose of this show, Christina is a 26-year-old southern belle from Nashville with a sweet accent and a Disney princess face.
Christina and Zach spent the day riding a helicopter over LA before driving to his childhood home where his family and dad’s co-workers were celebrating his mom’s birthday.
This is some unhinged Bachelor behavior.
Christian handled herself beautifully throughout it all (including when the baby book came out) which is a surefire way to impress a family man like Zach.
However, things took a turn at dinner when Christina finally told Zach about her 5-year-old daughter.
To his credit, Zach took the news very seriously. Sure, as a 27-year-old man, he wants to get married and someday have a family, but taking on an instant family after 6 weeks of dating on television is a whole other story.
He admitted his fears while Christina listened with tears in her eyes, but ultimately he decided to go forward with giving her the rose.
I’ll be shocked if they’re end-game, but I thought the whole exchange spoke highly of who Zach is and how seriously he’s taking this role.
Discount Group Date
Back at the Bachelor mansion, the women were starting to compare notes on who had tongue-kissed Zach, so clearly, it was time for the last date of the week.
Thanks to splurging their budget on Latto and the helicopter ride, this one is taking place in Zach’s bachelor backyard.
The pressure was on for Jess, Gabi, Victoria, Kaity, Anastasia, Ariel, Aly, Kimberly, Greer, and Charity, since they have barely spoken to Zach other than at their limo entrances.
Sure, it has only been a couple of days, but when you’ve been locked in a house with nothing to talk about besides the other women’s connections with Zach, things start feeling bleak.
They shouldn’t have worried though because this is Zach. He spent the night reassuring and kissing all of them.
Well, all of them except for Gabi who used her time to call him “Zachy” which somehow didn’t result in her receiving one of his coveted tongue kisses.
Obviously, Gabi handled this perceived slight with grace.
JK, she said it made it feel like a worthless person.
What is this show?
In the end, the group date rose went to Jess who got Zach to open up about his childhood illness of pyloric stenosis. Classic.
Everyone is falling apart
By the time the cocktail party came around, Gabi was ready for her redemption tour. Was she honest with her feelings and confident in what she brought to the table?
Lol, no. She complimented Zach on being nice to everyone and then got him to Lady and The Tramp a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.
It worked and she got the peanut butter flavored french kiss of her dreams.
Then things took an even weirder turn when America’s first impression rose recipient, Brianna, got angry with Christina over something she said on night one.
The Bachelor said “roll the clip” and showed a scene of Christina complimenting Brianna’s dress, calling her beautiful, and then jokingly saying “I hate you.” It was like every encounter I’ve ever had with a drunk girl in a bathroom.
However, in the insecure state this show puts women in, Brianna interpreted it as a direct dig against her. She confronted Christina about it which resulted in Christina taking full responsibility and giving a genuine apology.
But Brianna wasn’t done stirring shit up so she went and tattled to Zach.
For his part, Zach admitted that he doesn’t like drama and then he told Brianna that every conversation they’ve had has been negative so far.
I’ve never been so disappointed in a contestant. If she played her cards right, Brianna could have been a future Bachelorette or at least involved in a juicy Paradise love triangle. Instead, she’s now the first source of the drama in the house.
This will not end well.
This season of The Bachelor is back to basics which means we went immediately into the rose ceremony. No cliffhangers here.
As the rose ceremony began, Katherine, Christina, and Jess had date roses and there were fourteen more to be given out.
As the women were being called up to the little side table of doom, Brianna got more and more nervous, but we need the drama, so she was saved at the last moment with the final rose.
Victoria, Kimberly, and Cat were sent home which leaves only 17 women left in the running to be Zach’s future-ex-fiancé.
The Bachelor will return next Monday with a ton more drama revolving around Miss. Christina Mandrell. Maybe I’ll know who her mom is by then.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.