The Bachelor Recap: Witches Be Crazy in Estonia
I don’t know how it happened, but the bachelor, Zach Shallcross, has been dating his girlfriends for six whole weeks.
Time flies when you’re dating nine women at once in the hope that one of them will get engaged after spending approximately 12 cumulative hours together.
This show is absurd.
I hope it never ends.
The Bachelor Takes Estonia
Speaking of neverending, Zach is finally out of quarantine after being
covid positive under the weather. Thank god, because I never want to experience another virtual rose ceremony in my life.
He celebrated his newfound freedom by meeting up with Jesse Palmer for a quick gossip sesh.
Basically, Zach likes Kaity, wants to bone Kat, sees a future with Gabi, and everyone else is future a contestant on Bachelor in Paradise.
Oh and Greer is apparently
covid positive under the weather now too, but I think she’s probably just avoiding Zach after he was a dickhead on their virtual date last week.
Kat Becomes Enemy #1
Charity got invited to the first one-on-one date in Estonia since her date in London got canceled due to, you know, the plague.
She looked gorgeous with her flawless skin when Zach arrived to pick her up, but right before they could walk out, Kat asked if she could talk to Zach.
By talk, she meant make out with him real quick while the other women waited angrily on the other side of the wall.
I respect the hustle (the whole point of this show is to “win” the bachelor), but the other women…did not.
They called her classless and tasteless for making Charity’s day about herself. Which is fair, but also you’re all dating Puddy’s nephew at the same time so who can judge?
Kat got defensive despite leaving lipgloss all over Zach’s face, and this argument is definitely not over even though the scene on the episode was.
Charity Gets Her Moment
Poor Charity (26, Family and Child Therapist) has been put through it, but her moment has finally come.
And by moment I mean a horse-drawn carriage ride through the cobblestone streets of Tallinn, Estonia.
It was a dream come true for Charity.
Hopefully, she can hang on to that feeling because the rest of the date consisted of drinking pepper-flavored alcohol, Lady and the Tramping some marzipan, and competing in a “wife-carrying competition” that required her to ride Zach’s back upside down while he ran.
At dinner that night, Charity shared that her last relationship was riddled with infidelity and emotional abuse. Zach, in his steady way, made her feel safe and heard.
Maybe The Bachelor really did know what it was doing when they picked him.
Nah, I doubt it.
Anyway, Charity got the date rose.
Things Get Witchy
The next day Brooklyn, Kaity, Kat, Gabbi, Aly, and Jess were reluctantly gearing up for yet another group date when the drama from before got brought up again.
Charity started to express how frustrating it was to have Kat kiss Zach right before her date (this show is insane), but Kat was like “Woah, I don’t want any negativity going into today.”
Brooklyn’s hypocrisy meter went off so she called Kat out which made Kat indignant. That, in turn, gave Brooklyn the chance to say, “If the shoe fits, lace that bitch up.”
Put that on my headstone.
The day portion of the group date was doing some casual witchcraft with an Estonian witch, but if you’ve seen one woman get saged in front of her boyfriend’s other girlfriends, you’ve seen them all.
The real fun happened at the after-party.
Jess had been in her head all day because she is the last one (other than quarantining Greer) who hasn’t had a one-on-one date.
Objectively that makes sense since she’s trying to get engaged to this man in a couple of weeks and she’s never actually been alone with him; but in The Bachelor world, that’s the death knell.
She chose to be honest about her frustration but she’s not Kaity or Gabi so Zach didn’t want to put any more work into their relationship.
Actually, it was worse than that, Zach got mad at Jess for caring so much about not getting a one-on-one date. He kept saying things like “It’s not about one-on-one dates it’s about our connection!” But Jess was like, “We’ve barely spoken, I think alone time is important!”
So he sent her home.
For some reason, he cried about it, but he’s also recovering from covid so maybe there was something vascular going on or something.
Either way, he was too emo to hand out the date rose.
Ariel Wants to be Part of His World
The next morning Zach was still in his feels about Jess’ exit from the show, but here comes Ariel to make everything better.
Ariel is a 28-year-old Marketing Executive from New York City who is so incredibly cool that I can’t figure out why she’s on this show.
Her style is perfect, her demeanor is aloof in a way that makes you want to impress her, and she has this droll voice to top it all off.
She’s way too good for this show, and Zach knows it.
They spent the day wearing bathing suits at a nudist spa while a naked Estonian couple followed them around giving relationship advice.
I’m not kidding.
The cocktail ceremony was scheduled for later that night so they didn’t have the usual dinner date, but they did sip wine while Ariel admitted that she used humor as a defense mechanism against vulnerability.
Zach loved every second of it. She got the date rose.
There were only seven women at the cocktail party later that night since Greer is sick and Jess is gone.
These women are b-o-r-e-d.
There’s only so much to do while you wait in line to talk to Zach like some effed up Disneyland ride that no one wants.
So Brooklyn picked a fight with Kat to fill the time.
Okay so actually Charity try to explain to Kat why her feelings were hurt by her earlier behavior but it was way too civil so Brooklyn interjected to drop the hammer.
Kat stormed off to complain to the producers but she pretended like nothing was going on when Zach found her and asked her about it.
It was one of those awkward moments when you don’t want to be the drama in the bachelor’s day but he’s also not a complete idiot so now he thinks something is wrong between the two of you.
Her days are numbered.
The only mystery at the rose ceremony was whether or not Greer was going to get the Logan edit and disappear after getting covid.
Otherwise, it was pretty clear who was going home.
Ariel and Charity already had roses. Zach is obsessed with Gabi and Kaity. Brooklyn and Kat are good drama for the show.
Therefore unproblematic Aly was going home.
Next time she should lick a doorknob or something because covid would have saved her.
Seven women remain in the quest for the one ring. Next week Zach will decide who is going to take him home to meet their family.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.