The Bachelor tried to ruin our social lives by giving us too many hours of indecisive Peter and his tepid tensome this week, but they underestimated us. As a basic-ass American I know you can’t ever have too much of a good thing. Too much fun, too much money, five hours of beautiful women pretending they’re falling in love with an indecisive pilot? Please, sir, may I have some more?
Peter Weber’s Type Is Anyone Who Cries
Costa Rica is so two days ago. Say hello to beautiful Santiago, Chile where Mykenna (22, blogger) is pouting that the first date of the week went to Hannah Ann (23, model). Maybe she’d be less sad if she knew they were just going to walk around, talk to some middle-aged Chileans and then awkwardly perch with their legs entwined on the tiniest lip of a 46-foot tall statue of the Virgin Mary.
Things took a turn for the worse when Hannah Ann told Peter that, despite a previous 3-and-a-half-year long relationship, she has never been in love. That’s a huge warning sign for Bachelor Peter who apparently expects 23-year-old commercial models to be swimming in long term commitments. It looked like things were about to come to an abrupt end for their budding romance, but then Hannah did what Peter has proven himself incapable of resisting. She cried. In fact, she cried gorgeous fat tears from her perfect blue eyes and shyly admitted that she’s falling in love with him. Suddenly she was “real” and he immediately offered her the date rose.
The Bachelor Is a Soap Opera
You know what The Bachelor hasn’t made anyone do in a hot minute? Wear a sexualized version of a work uniform on the set of a telenovela. Well, there’s no time like the present, so strap on that hot nurse and sexy maid costumes ladies; you’re making El Amore de Pedro. Basically they filmed a Chilean soap opera that revolved around Peter (Pedro) making out with everyone except Kelley (27, attorney) who was dressed like a grandma. We get it, she’s older than everyone else. Then Chris Harrison showed up with a skinny mustache at the end. Ten out of ten, would watch again.
Victoria P. Shocks Us All
Everyone on the group date (Sydney, Natasha, Victoria P., Kelsey, Madison, Tammy, Kelley, and Mykenna) was feeling pretty smug about how fun and drama-free the day portion of the date was. Don’t worry ladies, it’s not going to last. The sparkly attraction of Victoria P. (27, nurse) wore off around the time she got pulled into the Alayah drama, but it was still a shock when Peter told her he “doesn’t see her as his wife” oh and he’s “sorry about that.” Such a wordsmith. Victoria P. must have been furious because her glasses fogged with hot tears, but her face doesn’t really move anymore so that was the only sign.
Bachelor Group Dates Never End
It only took one sweet make-out session with Madison (23, foster parent recruiter) for Peter to forget all about Victoria P. and everyone else on this group date. He was so into kissing her that he couldn’t even hear the full-on screaming happening in the mansion behind him. That skill is going to be super useful when he’s a parent someday.
While Peter was off being adorable with Madison (who got the date rose), Tammy (24, house flipper) was picking yet another fight with yet another unsuspecting victim. This time it was Mykenna with the overactive tongue. I’ve been team Tammy from day one. She’s sassy, hilarious and generally entertains me, but this week she took it too far. There was no logical reason to call-out Mykenna for being too young for a serious relationship. Then again, Tammy wasn’t exactly brimming over with wisdom this week since she thought, “My opinions could be true to myself,” was a convincing argument. The US education system has failed us.
Victoria F. Can’t Quit Peter
Peter invited Victoria F. (26, medical sales rep) to experience the Chilean countryside at a horse ranch with him, because their last date didn’t go so smoothly. You know, because her ex-boyfriend was the musical guest. Victoria (I’m dropping the “F” now that Peter dropped the other one) spent the whole date trying to convince Peter to break-up with her. She used all the classic break-up lines. “It’s not you, it’s me.” “I don’t know why I’m like this.” “I need to fix myself before I give my problems to you.” But Peter was like, “Nah, you seem emotionally unavailable, here’s a date rose.”
Surprise! It’s a Two-on-One
The 9 remaining
victims women were relieved to finally head into a rose ceremony when a last minute date card arrived. What’s this, a low rent two-on-one date for Mykenna and Tammy to duke it out? No one appreciates a two-on-one date more than me. The drama, the tears, the anticipation that someone is about to be deserted on an island. It’s The Bachelor at its best. This wasn’t that. This was a glorified HR meeting where Peter talked to each woman individually while they maligned the other. Tammy’s fatal error was in playing the strong and confident type. Girlfriend, we all know Peter lives for being emotionally manipulated, you needed to squeeze out a few tears like Mykenna if you want to make the cut. But she didn’t, so she’s gone now.
Finally, a Rose Ceremony
Tammy’s inability to shed a few sympathy tears meant there were only 8 women remaining for the rose ceremony. Since Victoria, Madison, and Hannah Ann all had roses it came down to Kelsey, Natasha, Kelley, Sydney and Mykenna for the last 3 roses. I was all but positive that Natasha (31, event planner) was on the chopping block but I was dead wrong. It was Mykenna from the two-on-one (brutal choice to save her only to send her home that night) and Sydney (24, retail marketing manager). Sydney! From the poolside make-out session last episode. I did not see that coming.
Only 6 women remain on The Bachelor which moves onto Lima, Peru next week. The trailer makes it seem like Victoria is still trying to get Peter to break-up with her, but as long as she keeps crying, she’s not going anywhere. I’m keeping her, Kelsey, Madison, and Hannah Ann in my top four. I’m not sure if we should applaud them for that, or apologize. See you here next week!
Who do you think is Peter’s best match? Have you heard the rumors about Victoria F.’s history of extra-marital affairs? Why in the world did sweet Madison ever sign up for this show? Let’s talk in the comments.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.