The Bachelor Broke His Face and Some Hearts

When we last saw Peter Weber and his gaggle of girlfriends, he was regretting the life choices that brought him to Cleveland where 16 women argued with each other in the next room. Everyone is miserable and love has never seemed more distant. So, all in all, things are right on track for week five of The Bachelor.

Cleaning Up in Cleveland

As a reminder, Peter kicked Alayah (24, ex-pageant girl) off the show back on episode three. Then he brought her back again on episode four. Oh, and then he sent her home again in the first few minutes of episode five. You’re telling me we are supposed to trust this man to make split second decisions in the cockpit of a commercial jet?

The remaining 15 aspiring Instagram influencers were equally as unimpressed with our indecisive leading man-child. They let him know they were annoyed with him but they’re not idiots, so they also made-out with him. There are roses on the line and Tyler Cameron is bound to show up at Bachelor in Paradise. They’re not going down without a fight.

Apparently Deandra, Kiarra and Savannah should have fought harder because they were sent home at the rose ceremony. Bye, see you on my social feeds for the next two years before I finally remember to unfollow you. Oh, and not to pour salt in their wounds but the other 12 women are on their way to Costa Rica to see how their extensions hold up in humidity.

Peter Breaks His Face

Speaking of wounds, sometime between when Peter landed in Costa Rica and when he showed up for his first date he sliced his forehead open. He tried to tell the women he was attacked by a wild puma, but we all know he’s not interesting enough for that. The true story made way more sense; he walked into a golf cart which caused him to trip into a cocktail glass. Twenty-two facial stitches in a developing country later, and he was back in business with a flesh tone bandaid on his forehead. I hope The Bachelor provides an international health insurance policy.

Getting Hot in the Hot Tub

The first date in Costa Rica went to Sydney (24, Retail Marketing Manager) who Peter kept describing as “mysterious”. I’m pretty sure he just meant not-white though, because he asked her what her “background” was. She’s biracial, Pete, stop making it weird. Sydney described her experience as a biracial teen growing up in Alabama as full of bullying and loneliness which was so heartbreaking I could have cried. Just like Peter did when she accidentally head-butted his fresh golf cart/cocktail injury.

Obviously, Peter gave Sydney the date rose because she’s “mysterious” and he’s very clearly into her. Sorry, I meant that he was “into her” as in he is interested in pursuing their relationship. Not that he was physically IN TO her. It’s an easy misunderstanding to make after watching them writhe around on the edge of a pool.

Nothing Like a Little Competition to Make Everyone Lose it

As we all know, The Bachelor is all about creating realistic dating scenarios. Thus, it’s only natural that Peter and ten of his girlfriends spent their group date in designer swimwear on a photoshoot for Cosmopolitan Magazine. I honestly can’t think of a worse date than competing for attention amongst a herd of gorgeous women while in a bathing suit. No FabFitFun sponsor deal is worth that stress. Victoria F. (25, Medical Sales Rep) won the cover shoot by being “bold,” but according to the Cosmo post that dropped during the episode Monday night, they won’t publish the cover thanks to her history of posing in racist clothing. This show is the gift that keeps giving.


Meanwhile, Kelsey’s (28, Champagne Face) one-on-one date high from last week has officially worn off. She’s crying, drinking, crying some more and then saying things like, “I do like Sydney a lot, I do. I think she’s cool, but she’s a dramatic f***king bitch.” She’s a rollercoaster of crazy that I never want to get off of. Of course, she told Peter that she’s falling in love with him which he liked. Then Tammy (24, House Flipper) told him that Kelsey is completely off her rocker and probably has a drinking problem. He wasn’t such a big fan of that one, but he’s terrible at picking women so he’ll probably end up engaged to her at the end.

Normal Doesn’t Last Long on The Bachelor

Kelley (27, attorney) met Peter in the lobby of a hotel before she ever started The Bachelor but it only took her about 3 days in the mansion and 4 minutes in a Costa Rican shaman’s presence to know she has no desire to date Peter. Don’t get me wrong, she was always going to accept the date rose he offered her at the end of this date; but no one can watch this date and think she thinks of him as anything more than a cute story she’ll tell her country club friends some day.

Peter Weber is a Terrible Decision Maker

Things were getting intense for Kelsey so she did what any totally sane woman without any red flags would do. She found Peter’s hotel suite and sobbed on his shoulder that she’s not a pill-popping binge drinker until he gave her a surprise rose. Romance is alive.

If you want to trigger a room full of women with a slight case of Stockholm Syndrome, have someone show up with a surprise rose. Things devolved at an alarming rate from there, but when Chris Harrison announced that there would not be a rose ceremony there was no slowing down the impending car crash.

Kelsey called out Tammy for calling her a junkie, Sydney ran her mouth because that’s what she does, and then Tammy the former wrestler stood up like she was about to lay her out. I was torn between wanting women to support women and shouting, “Fight! Fight!” We all have layers. Except for Mykenna (22, Fashion Blogger) because she licked all of hers off.


Peter tried to put us all out of misery by starting the rose ceremony off as quickly as possible but, we can’t have nice things. Instead, Tammy interrupted him to let him know that she wasn’t trying to cause drama but calling Kelsey a pill-popping alcoholic (I paraphrased that a touch). Then Mykenna’s lips got chapped so she interrupted Tammy’s interruption to ask Peter for chapstick. JK she asked him to save her. So he did, he saved them both, because he truly has no idea what he’s doing. It’s wonderful. Lexi and Shiann were sent home, but not without Shiann giving him one final warning that he can’t trust all of his 10 remaining girlfriends. I’m shocked.

Coming Up Next This Week

If you made it to this point I applaud you, because this episode was three hours long and it nearly killed me. But wait, there’s more. The Bachelor is back with another two hour episode this Wednesday at 8pm EST. Yes, this Wednesday. It looks like we are going to get a trip to Chile and a two-on-one date. I can hardly wait. Until then I leave you with my top four prediction.


This episode was a doozy. What did you think? Are you team Tammy or team Kelsey? Why is Peter so bad at making decisions? Why did Kelley decide to stay on this show? Let’s talk in the comments.


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