Here’s the scene:
We’re six weeks into Michelle Young’s season of The Bachelorette. She and her eight remaining boyfriends are still in Minnesota with hometown dates right around the corner. Love is in the air, and wait…what’s that?
This franchise is trying to kill me.
Come on Michelle, We Need You
The other day my youngest child told me that she wants a stepmom for Christmas. Her father and I are happily married. So, when I heard that four of Michelle’s past students would be planning the entire week’s activities I was ready to see some dudes get roasted.
I was not disappointed.
Forget stranger danger, these kids spent their morning in a hotel suite with eight adult men and a camera crew. Don’t worry, they were only taking the time to get to know the guys before deciding who would go on which dates. It was pretty cute.
They loved Rodney (obvi), liked that Nayte was tall (their teacher agrees), thought Clayton’s big muscles would be helpful for carrying groceries and hated Martin with every fiber of their tiny beings.
The future is bright.
Kids (and Bachelor Producers) Love Clayton
By the end of their weird playdate at the hotel, the kids had fallen in love with Clayton. They liked his muscles, his fort-building abilities, and how kind he was.
So it made perfect sense that they sent Michelle and him on what was essentially a “parents say yes to everything” date. A pizza party in a limo and free reign of a museum at night? It’s the definition of a romantic night out to a ten-year-old.
Too bad these two have zero chemistry.
No, like, literally no chemistry. Michelle had more chemistry with all-you-can-eat Twizzlers and oreo buffet in the back of that limo.
It was no surprise to me when Michelle told Clayton that he has everything she’s looking for but something is still missing. (That something is an actual personality.)
She sent him home without a rose and his time on the show came to an end.
Or did it?
In a super odd editing decision, the episode cut to Clayton back at his hotel room receiving handwritten letters from the kids who chose him for the date.
Basically, the kids were super sad that Ms. Young didn’t fall in love with him because his muscles are big and he’s good at building forts. They assured him that he’ll find love someday.
Clayton started crying and tearfully said that he’d do anything to have the love and family that he has always wanted.
Ladies and gentlemen, behold your next Bachelor.
Michelle’s Last Group Date
With hometown dates coming up next week this is the last group date of the season. Time to have them make vaguely sexual hand movements while churning butter.
Yeah, they’re at a dairy farm and the sentence, “clearly Joe knows how to handle teats” was uttered. (Pun intended).
Anyway, nothing about the day portion of this date matters. Bring on the after-party drama.
By Drama, I Mean Martin
It was only a matter of time before Martin’s f-boy ways caught up with him but it was Olu who finally made it happen.
Typically, when someone on this show says something stupid and another contestant tells the lead it’s hearsay, but this time Martin just straight up said it on camera. He told the guys that he thinks Michelle has unresolved childhood trauma. He thinks she’s immature and damaged.
Or you’re just a douchebag. Who could say?
Michelle could because after Olu fell on his sword and spent his last one-on-one time with her telling her the truth about Martin, she sent his ass packing.
Martin was all, “I feel sad for her.”
And I was all, “I hope you get the villain edit in Paradise.”
With Martin gone, only six men remain in the hunt for the four roses that will send them to hometown dates. Wait, no, make that three.
Nayte got the group date rose (duuuuh) and will introduce Michelle to his family.
Brandon Gets a Last-Minute Date
Just when I thought this season was done and dusted, Brandon came swerving in out of nowhere.
I have to be honest here and say that I do not see what Michelle sees in the 26-year-old who looks like he’s barely out of puberty, but hey, I don’t have to date the guy.
They spent their date eating ice cream, kissing in her childhood home, and getting caught by her parents in their hot tub while Brandon was wearing her dad’s swim trunks. It was a lot.
Who cares though, because by the end of their time with her parents, Brandon had asked for their permission to propose so he must have felt pretty good about things.
Michelle’s parents told Brandon that they trust her ability to pick a partner -but I don’t- because he got one of the coveted roses that guarantee a trip to hometown dates.
I did not see that coming.
At this stage in the season Michelle knows who she wants *cough* Joe and Nayte *cough* so she skipped the cocktail portion of the last night.
Since Nayte and Brandon already had roses from their dates, it was down to Olu, Rick, Rodney, Joe to fight for the last two roses.
The first of the final roses went to Joe, obviously.
But the last was more of a mystery. I would have called it an even trade between Rodney and Rick (sorry, Olu).
In the end, it went to Rodney.
Just like that, we have our final four and every single one of them is a person of color. It’s about damn time.
Next week Nayte, Joe, Rodney, and Brandon will introduce Michelle to their parents. The older I get, the more I love watching the parents of adult children accidentally ruin their progeny’s chance at love and fame so it should be a good one.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.