Enjoy This Long-Ass Holiday Romance Movie List

Three things you should know about my high school best friend, Stephanie. One, she loves love stories. Two, she believes strongly in the magic of Christmas — y’all should see her nutcracker collection. And three, she adores television. Naturally, she is the person on which the folks at Lifetime base the “who watches our Holiday movies” Venn diagram.

Another thing about Stephanie, she is a librarian, which means she appreciates order and categorization. Her lower back tattoo is the face of Melvil Dewey. Tramp.

This is all to say, Stephanie created a long ass list of all the holiday romance movies she is going to watch during this season of twinkling lights, Fraser firs, and facemasks. There are 93 movies on her list, which is almost 200 hours of “ho ho ho and mistletoe and presents to pretty girls.” Her spreadsheet — which she dubbed Stephanie’s Sizzling Spreadsheet — includes premiere date, channel, film title, stars, and synopsis. She also has a column to check off once she watches a movie, because what is the point of a list if you can’t complete it.

So I’m sharing the list with you all to enjoy on Google Sheets. Will I watch a single movie on this list? Hell no. I’m re-watching The Americans right now, which could be considered a Christmas show since there is a lot of chasing and killing people in the snow.

Some movies on the list premiering this week

  • A Timeless Christmas (Hallmark), starring Ryan Paevey, Brandi Alexander, Nelson Wong. Synopsis: Charles Whitley (Ryan Paevey) journeys more than a century in the future to 2020 where he encounters Megan Turner (Erin Cahill), a tour guide at his historic mansion, and experiences a modern Christmas. (Editor’s note: Go back home, Charles! Have the ‘Rona! Go back to your times of Scarlet Fever!)
  • The Christmas Doctor (Hallmark Movies & Mysteries), starring Holly Robinson Peete, Adrian Holmes, Colleen Winton. Synopsis: Holly Robinson Peete stars as Alicia Wright, a doctor working an assignment away from home. Adrian Holmes plays a man tracking her down to share important revelations with her before Christmas. (Editor’s note: combining “revelations” and Christmas is not working for me in the year 2020.)
  • The Christmas Edition (Lifetime), starring Carly Hughes, Rob Mayes, Marie Osmond, Aloma Wright. Synopsis: Carly Hughes stars as a journalist who gets the chance to run a newspaper in Alaska, jump-starting both the paper’s profits and her budding romance with the former owner’s son, played by Rob Mayes. (Editor’s note: a paper making profits? Sure. Okay.)

Correction, I will watch one movie on the list: Dolly Parton’s Christmas on the Square (Netflix). Dolly plays an angel, but considering her vaccine fund at Moderna for COVID research, she is just playing herself.

Happy watching, you filthy animals!

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