Holy Pattinson! The Batman Starts Production

Almost the entire damn planet lost their minds Monday when director Matt Reeves graced our screens with this random tweet:

Sure, from first glance you may just see a film’s clapper board and apparently it’s starting on scene 17, whatever that is, and take 1. Also, that leather chair’s shine clearly means it was just delivered from Pottery Barn that day. But look closer at that title.

The Batman started production this week.

Say goodbye to that Robert Pattinson as Batman fan art or homemade Dark Knight costume you sewed for your Edward Cullen Barbie doll figurine. We are one step closer to actually seeing Rob don the dark knight cowl. Do we need another Batman movie? Um, nope. Do I need Robert Pattinson in head to toe latex and rocking a six pack that is created by an intensive core workout and not by spray tan? More than I need botox to help me deal with my impending mid-life crisis.

While we unfortunately have to wait until 2021 for this film, I’d like to think that January 27, 2020 marked the day that we all honed our internet stalking skills and talent for researching variations of hashtags that included the words “Batman,” “Rob,” “Pattinson,” and the oldie but goodie “RPatz.” Personally, I’m rooting for “BatPatz.”

What We Know So Far About The Batman

Here’s the synopsis, as told by IMDB:

“The plot is unknown.”

Cool. Sounds like a blockbuster already.

With Reeves taking the helm and a cast that also includes Zoe Kravitz and Colin Ferrell just to name a few, Warner Bros. and DC Films are clearly trying to move away from the diaper explosion known as Justice League and move more towards the dark, problematic gritty art-house fairs like The Joker. Goodbye to hokey one-liners, Sadfleck, and Henry Cavill‘s CGI’d upper lip. Hello, white man rage.

What We Hope Will Happen

You’re damn right I have a wish list.

  • The return of MTV’s Twilight Tuesdays only this time it’s The Batman Thursdays. It would also give me the opportunity to see if MTV still exists. 
  • The movie to include the esthetic of this entire Dior Homme ad, which I think is just the film’s b-roll.

    It has everything: Rob in a three-piece suit. Rob looking all brooding like some clown faced psycho murdered his parents and caused him irreparable childhood trauma. Rob’s well-defined (to the point I could use it as a dining table) back muscles. We also have Rob dancing, which I really didn’t know I needed in my life. If we ever want to know what Rob is like at a wedding with an open bar and the DJ dropping, “Uptown Funk,” here’s our chance. 

    How dare you, good sir.

  • A SDCC Hall H panel so I can slo-mo record Rob nervously pulling at his hair whilst having New Moon Hall H flashbacks. 
  • Someone in the film to see Batman flying over Gotham at night and declare with a total deadpan expression, “Is that a spider monkey?”
  • Preferably that line be delivered by Stephenie Meyer.

What We Want to See Burned in a Dumpster Fire

  • A batsuit with nipples
  • Any mention of the name “Martha”
  • Colin Ferrell’s character revealing his true identity: Johnny Depp

Let the Batman internet stalking commence! 

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