It doesn’t matter what holiday you may or may not celebrate during this time of the year, The Bachelor gods have given us a gift we can all appreciate – the cast bios for all of bachelor Peter Weber‘s new girlfriends. I feel like Tiny Tim getting a Christmas ham from Ebeneezer Scrooge. God bless us, everyone. Well, everyone except the 30 women on the cast because their lives are about to be seriously messed up. Joy to the World.
As someone who hasn’t been single since George W. Bush was President, I probably have no place offering unsolicited advice to gorgeous Instagram thirst traps on the cusp of infamy. But that’s never stopped me before. Here’s everything I would tell the new women of The Bachelor even if I wasn’t hiding behind the comfort of a computer screen.
Avoid Airline Jokes
Ladies, I get it – Peter is a pilot and you are flight attendants. The desire to make mile high club jokes is going to be harder to fight than the people who grab empty seats in the exit row without paying the upgrade fee. I’ve had to avoid making takeoff puns no less than 3 times in this post so far. However, just like pre-flight announcements, no one wants to hear it. My advice is to concentrate less on a superficial commonality and more about making your connecting flight to Peter’s heart. (I’m not proud.)
You’re Not Hannah Brown
Yes, you’re all three pageant queens of some variation, but you know what you aren’t? The queen of Bachelor Nation and Dancing with the Stars champion, Hannah Brown. And that’s okay. I mean, it’s not okay, because being Hannah Brown would be amazing, but being yourself is probably pretty great too. My advice is to avoid lumping yourself in with the woman who rejected your boyfriend on national television.
Go Back in Time and Don’t Sign Up for This
I’m not sure what broke in your lives to make you want you to go on this show, but you need to find the nearest set of standing stones from the set of Outlander and send yourself back in time to change your own mind. You are all capable, well-educated, normal human beings who will definitely regret signing up for this. My advice is to lie and say one of your friends “submitted you” like everyone else does.
Stay Out of Your DMs
Ladies, I am a straight, happily married woman with absolutely no emotional capacity to entertain cheating, but even I’d slide into your DMs. Lock that ish down tight. Now.
Delete Your Social Media History
With the rise of social media there has been a trend in bachelor nation for cast member’s pasts to come back and bite them once they get a little notoriety. I have no specific reason to be cautious about model Hannah Ann or cattle rancher/model Avonlea (yes that’s her actual job) but I get a feeling you two need to do a deep scrub of your internet history, like, yesterday.
Never Mention Your Fears
Claustrophobia, coasterphobia, and frog phobia are all perfectly reasonable fears. What isn’t reasonable is telling the production team on the set of The Bachelor about your fears. Have fun on your indoor roller coaster ride with a pet frog ladies. Next time tell them you’re afraid of diamonds and spa days.
Pretend You Died
Ladies, I hate to say it, but if you want to be able to attend Thanksgiving dinner with your families next year you’re going to have to pretend you died. Deandra your Nigerian father is going to want to murder you anyway, it’s quicker this way. Tammy, you’re a first generation Vietnamese-American who works 6 jobs. You think your mom is going to be okay with you being part of Peter’s harem? Lauren you conduct exit interviews with your exes; this has to be out of character. Sorry, you’re dead now.
Change Your Identity
I avoid The Bachelor spoilers like Chris Harrison avoids aging so I don’t have any inside information about Natasha or Victoria F., but I have a feeling we’re looking at this season’s villains. In which case you two need to hire a team of publicists and join witness protection. The internet is a cruel place, and bachelor nation is its king.
Pack a Bag for Paradise
You better get used to these faces, because they are perfect fodder for Bachelor in Paradise. They’re gorgeous, their cast bios are full of personality and they appear willing to take a paid vacation in Mexico. My advice is to pack a personal air conditioning unit and avoid carbs for the next six months.
You’re Probably Going to Win
I don’t know if this is good news or bad, but Sarah and Madison are perfect Bachelor candidates. I mean, Madison places foster babies with their new families and Sarah looks like she stepped out of a catalogue of Peter’s genetic matches. I hope you enjoy getting lots of Instagram followers, being engaged for 1-2 years and then marrying a c-list country music singer. Welcome to the rest of your lives.
The Bachelor returns on January 6th for a three hour premiere so you have plenty of time to hydrate and get your vaccinations up to date. In the meantime, I’m bringing back our fantasy league. Not unlike my recaps, it takes virtually no knowledge of The Bachelor to participate and you could win my respect along with a Bachelor themed prize. That’s even better than a Neil Lane ring you’ll have to return in humiliation once your made-for-TV engagement ends.
What do you think of the cast? Who do you think is going to “win”? Will Bachelor Peter move out of his parent’s house before the end of the season? Let’s talk in the comments.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.