Congratulations, we did it! Sure, the past 7 months without new content have lasted longer than most Bachelor engagements, but we finally made it to a new season of The Bachelorette. Let’s be honest, between the murder hornets and the global pandemic, it was touch and go there for a minute. Nevertheless, like Nick Viall’s agent, we persisted.
My favorite way to celebrate any momentous occasion is by giving unsolicited, superficial advice to absurdly attractive men. I know, it’s niche, but it works. Lucky for me, the cast bios for the men of Clare Crawley‘s season of The Bachelorette are here. Unlucky for them, I’ve had no one else to make fun of for seven months except my children and they’re getting sensitive about it.
Age ain’t nothing but a number, but yours isn’t high enough.
Clare Crawley is a 39-year-old woman. By Bachelor standards, it wouldn’t be surprising if a contestant shows up on night one in an archaeologist costume and refers to her as a fossil. So why, on God’s rapidly heating Earth would they cast men more than 10 years younger than her? When Clare turned 30, Jordan C. (26), Demar (26), Chris (27), and Tyler C. (27) were barely out of high school.
My unsolicited advice is to sit on top of each other’s shoulders while wearing an extra long trench coat so you look like one freakishly tall adult man. Also, I’d just really like to see that.
The economy is not secure enough for this.
That smile is going to take Garin far. In fact, it may take him so far in this wildly popular reality TV dating show that it negatively affects his position as a professor of journalism at the University of Southern California. Then again, after further thought, perhaps this man is a genius. Sure, he might lose his job. But, while the rest of us were locked at home fighting over above ground pools on eBay; he got a free resort vacation and access to rapid-result COVID testing.
My unsolicited advice is to double-check with HR about your tenure status. Things could be dicey in a few months depending on your edit.
A resort in Palm Springs in the middle of July is not Paradise.
Jason, Chasen (yes it rhymes), Brendan, and AJ are what I like to refer to as Paradise chum. As in, the women in Paradise are going to fight over them like hungry great white sharks. Jason (31) is a former NFL lineman who likes a woman who can handle his sarcasm. Chasen (31) is a self-described “ultimate romantic,” who recently ended a toxic relationship with his co-worker. AJ (28) is a modern-Muslim who prefers older women. Brendan (30) is a roofer from Massachusetts who dotes on his nieces and nephews. All four undoubtedly look fantastic with their shirts off.
My unsolicited advice is to start talking about being young at heart now because all of the women going to Paradise from Peter’s season are going to be approximately 14 years old.
Coming to a FabFitFun Box near you.
Not only are there two Blakes on this season but there are two Blake M.’s. This one is Blake Monar, a 31-year-old former MLB player from Phoenix. After a debilitating injury, he shifted gears and started a cosmetic company. Is he hot? Yep. Is he on this show to promote his company which currently has less than 2,000 followers on Instagram? You know it! Will I promote the hell out of anything he wants to give me for free because I’m thirsty AF? Obviously.
My unsolicited advice is to pack one of your limited bags full of product. There’s quite literally nothing else to do while you’re waiting for dates with Clare other than make-overs on the other men.
I’m not saying you’re too good for this, but you’re too good for this.
Sometimes you need to know your limits and for Zac C. (36) and Ivan (28) that limit should have been signing up for this show. Zac C. is a former party boy who now lives sober as an addiction specialist in New Jersy. Ivan is an actual real-life aeronautical engineer from Dallas. I haven’t been single since Hoobastank was popular, but even I can’t imagine dating is THAT hard for these men.
My unsolicited advice is to fake a head injury so you can pretend this never happened.
This ain’t it, chief.
In the words of Michael Scott/Wayne Gretsky, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” So I can’t blame Tyler S. (36) and Jeremy (40) for giving The Bachelorette a shot. It’s not their fault that Clare is absolutely in no way the right person for them. Tyler S., a Texas Music Manager likes to, “plant trees, fish and work with organizations fighting to protect wildlife,” in his free time. Meanwhile, Jeremy is a banker who hasn’t found love in his hometown of Washington D.C. because it is, “just full of type-A women that he doesn’t get along with.” I’m not saying Clare is a classic type-A who would be unlikely to spend her weekends planting trees; but, I’m not not saying it.
My unsolicited advice is to chalk this one up as a loss and never return to Bachelor Nation. Just kidding, we all know that’ll never happen. Get that money, honey!
Things aren’t looking good.
In this, the year of our Lord 2020, the only thing that unites the youths of America is a desire to eat the rich. So, sorry Bennett, but you’re getting the villain edit. Bennett (36, NYC) is a wealth management consultant who, “enjoys taking morning yoga classes, walking the Highline in his favorite Belgian loafers and indulging in delicious meals in the city’s best restaurants.” I’m 100% certain is the first thing listed on his Tinder profile is that he attended Harvard. We’ll love to hate him.
My unsolicited advice is for Bennett to cry into his 401k and secure access to healthcare because the proletariat is going to turn on him fast.
What’s Canada’s immigration policy like these days?
It takes a certain kind of person to go on a dating show in which you’ll be swapping saliva with a woman moments after another man did while millions of people are dying of a highly contagious air born virus. It takes an insane person to go on that show after leaving the safety of Canada. Honestly, what were Blake Moynes (29, Canadian wildlife manager) and Mike (38, Canada Digital Media Advisor) thinking? I’ve found love. I’m obsessed with my husband. Would I have left Canada to go to the Californian desert during Corona Virus to hopefully find him? Nah, he could wait, thanks.
My unsolicited advice is to escape back over the border before we Handmaid’s Tale you.
Clare is going to hate you.
Kenny is a 39-year-old boy band manager from Chicago. Yes, you read that correctly. He manages boy bands. My 12-year-old self is dying with jealousy. Unfortunately for Kenny he’s pretty much exactly what you’d expect in a boy band manager. His bio says his ideal woman, “is not controlling, fake or wrongly opinionated.” WRONGLY OPINIONATED. Clare is going to have a lot to talk to the raccoons about.
My unsolicited advice is to keep your opinions to yourself. No really, please, I’m begging you.
You’re going to want to go ahead and lower your expectations.
In each of their cast bios, the men were asked what their ideal woman is like. Most of them knew how to answer that question diplomatically, but then there were Robby (31), Brandon (28), and Jay (29) who are in way over their heads.
Robby, an insurance broker from Florida, described his ideal woman as someone who, “is incredibly athletic and able to throw back a few beers with him after a day of hiking. She has a sweet personality and won’t mind that he spends his Sundays on the golf course.” That’s what best guy friends are for, Robby.
For his part, Brandon, a real estate agent and model, needs to see his girlfriend, “happy and enjoying every moment of life because life is too short not to.” Sure, Brandon, that human woman exists outside of your imagination.
Meanwhile, Jay, a fitness director from Florida, doesn’t want a woman who scrolls through Instagram while they’re together. Good luck with marriage, buddy.
My unsolicited advice is to look at yourselves in the mirror, rate yourself, remove at least 2 points and then expect even less perfection from your partner.
Please, put us all out of our misery
Joe, (36, NYC) is an anesthesiologist, COVID-19 survivor, and was once voted in the Top 20 Most Eligible Doctors and Medical Professionals in New York City. Pause while I wonder why the actual hell he’s on this show. Joe, I get that dating online with your busy schedule is difficult, but this one baffles me. You’re a real-life Grey’s Anatomy star/essential worker. If you can’t find love, what hope does anyone else have?
My advice is to enjoy the break, get a tan by the pool, get a bump in your socials, and then go back to work. We need you.
Think of the Children
Clare has to know that dating in her late 30’s means dating single dads – enter Page (37) and Yosef (30). Page is a chef from Austin, Texas who is looking for a woman who, “will love being a stepmom and will love his little boy like her own.” I don’t know much about being a stepmom, but I know about a lot about being a mom and I’d pick a chef as a partner in that endeavor any day of the week.
Then there’s Yosef, a divorced medical device salesman from Alabama who has a 4-year-old and enjoys dancing at clubs. Totally relatable.
My unsolicited advice is to scrub your socials of all signs of your children because they will absolutely hate everything about this once they’re old enough to know the difference.
Vacation life is the best life.
Listen, every season needs a few pawns to lose along the way, and based on their bios, Riley, Ben, Jordan M., and Ed should just enjoy the ride while it lasts, because it won’t last long. Believe me, this is not a bad thing. Being a boring 30-year-old attorney from Long Island like Riley is a gift. Don’t squander it. Sure, Jordan M. (30) is 6’8″, but his bio is so bland he may as well fade into the crowd. Same for Ed (36) and Ben (29). It’s not that you’re boring, it’s just that I’m bored.
My unsolicited advice is to hire a social media manager and sign up for the podcast circuit. You’ll be household names in no time.
Pick me, choose me, marry me.
Finally, we are to my favorites. The
pictures bios that made me drool sit up and pay attention.
Zach J. (37, Utah) owns a cleaning service and says his, “best attributes are his abilities to be empathetic, fun and clever.” That’s sweet, Zach, but I’m pretty sure your best attribute is the cleaning service you own. Marry me?
There are a lot of rumors surrounding Dale (31) a former NFL player and current model/brand ambassador/total heartthrob. I don’t do spoilers here, but it only takes one look at his face to know why he’s a season favorite. According to his bio, “Dale is looking for a woman who wants him but doesn’t need him and says that nothing turns him on more than an independent woman with strong convictions.” Someone tell my family I loved them.
Finally there’s Eazy a 29 year-old sports marketing professional from Newport, California. As yet another former NFL player ( think that makes 3 for the season) I know exactly what he’s going to look like in his bathing suit. However, it was how he said he, “is a hopeless romantic who loves being in a relationship and says he is looking for a woman to be the other half of a power couple,” that sold me. Sign me up for the Eazy life.
My unsolicited advice is to switch your DMs to “public,” your lives are about to get very, very interesting.
The Bachelorette will air Tuesday nights on ABC. I’m not sure what Mondays are good for now, either. Keep an eye out for a fantasy league announcement and check out this trailer for the season.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.