Here in the USA, where Covid-19 overflows like autumnal decor from a cornucopia found on clearance at Hobby Lobby, I am celebrating the week of Thanksgiving the best way I know how: by staying home and watching 16 men simultaneously date the second most willing woman The Bachelorette production team could find.
I don’t know about all of you, but I’m feeling grateful.
In case you already broke into the spiked cider and forgot, we are now on episode 3 of Tayshia Adams as The Bachelorette, but episode 7 of the season. You know, because Clare Crawley left to get knocked-up back in episode 4 via an unwitting but willing Dale Moss.
It’s 2020 and nothing makes sense anymore, but at least we’ll always have hot aspiring influencers to entertain us.
The Bachelorette Presents: Listen to These Guys Sorta Sing
This episode started off on a weird note with aeronautical engineer Ivan, super chill Zac C., Bougie Bennett, extra-large Riley, boy band manager Kenny, bearded Blake, and spin instructor Demar competing in a songwriting contest. The winner would get the only one-on-one date of the week.
to your heart, we all know that these guys are not here for their musical talent. Otherwise, they would have been forced onto that other Bachelor spin-off we all talked ourselves into watching earlier this year. Instead, these sorts of dates are meant to evoke the most humiliation possible.
Give it to me.
Sadly, witnessing Bennett rap the lyrics, “You don’t need no Harvard degree to be in Paris eating brie with me,” was just not as magical as I needed it to be. I want a spotlight on a stage with Bennett in a beret or at least with a French mime. Where’s the magic? The je ne sais quoi?
Instead, we got Tayshia and Chris Harrison watching them perform in a converted hotel conference room. It almost makes me miss Peter Weber’s season.
Jk, I could never.
There’s No Such Thing As a Perfect Date…Wait
The best song writer was undoubtedly aeronautical engineer, Ivan, so he got the one-on-one date.
the super hot aeronautical engineer who is way too good for this and Tayshia had a playful date in her hotel suite. They played the floor is lava, had a pillow fight, ate ice cream, and generally were adorable. But what made this date worth putting down my phone and really paying attention was their conversation about being biracial and black in America during 2020.
Wait, is The Bachelorette, which has previously cast blatantly racist characters as a plot point, really going to air this? Someone check on the Garretts. Just kidding, don’t check on them because they’re irrelevant.
Ivan told Tayshia the story of his younger brother’s imprisonment and experience with police brutality. They, on what is traditionally a conservative-leaning show, had a full conversation about police brutality, black lives matter, and George Floyd. They did not pull punches.
Tayshia cried telling him that she grew up in a white town where no one looked like her so, ‘hearing people yell “black lives matter” hit me more than I realized because those are people who I’ve been trying to prove to for so long that I’m the same as them.’
It was powerful and important, but, admittedly, just a drop in the bucket of how much work this show has to do as it works towards equal representation.
Ivan got the date rose and my obsession.
Truth Or Dare
If you’ve ever wanted to see a gang of men who haven’t left their hotel in over a month play truth-or-dare while the woman they’re all simultaneously dating heckles them with a megaphone: have I got a show for you.
The men from the songwriting date who aren’t Ivan got another chance to date Tayshia on a hilarious date hosted by previous Bachelorette Becca Kufrin and Bachelor contestant Syndey Lotuaco.
Zac, Kenny, Demar, Bennet, Riley, Blake ran around the resort drinking smoothies with cow intestines in them, getting Chris Harrison to autograph their butt cheeks, and eating habanero peppers while confessing their feelings to Tayshia. It was great. But the best moment of all was listening to each of the men fake orgasms for an entire minute; while being broadcasted across the hotel intercom. Listening to boy band manager Kenny moan into a hotel phone while the other 15 men mocked him mercilessly is my preferred kink.
By the end of the date and after-party everyone was crushing hard on Tayshia, but Zac got the group date rose after they looked at the stars from a hot tub.
Works every time.
That night Ben and Ed were freaking the eff out because they know time is running out, and they aren’t Ivan. So they both individually came up with a plan to sneak over to Tayshia’s suite for some time alone to plead their case.
Ben, being a West Point graduate and former Army Ranger, had no problem finding Tayshia’s hotel suite. They talked about how disappointed Tayshia was that he didn’t seek her out earlier in the week. He apologized, and then she remembered how cute he is and made out with him. Forget defending the constitution against all enemies both foreign and domestic, this is when Ranger school finally paid off.
Meanwhile, a directionally challenged Ed (healthcare salesman from Florida) found himself knocking on Chris Harrison’s door at 2:30 in the morning. I’ve had this dream before, no one wake him up. Chris let him in for a heavy pour of red wine and sarcasm; which is honestly as close as Ed is going to get to true love this season.
The rose ceremony was quickly ruined when Noah, the previous mustached travel nurse, told Tayshia that the men are questioning her integrity. Not so fast there Noah. Sure, they were being petty about the rose Noah received last week, but it was more about their general dislike of him; not Tayshia’s integrity. However, like any human with 9 siblings, Noah knew exactly which of her buttons to push and he pushed them hard.
Tayshia stormed in front of the group and emphatically stated that she has been nothing but sincere, and if the men are, “going to be questioning me, I’ll gladly walk you outside.”
Then she was like “K, thanx, bye” and left.
Hey Noah, here’s a giant target, do you mind slapping that on your back real fast? This seems like two-on-one drama in the making.
In the end, Wolverine/Chasen, Dr. Joe, glasses-wearing Jordan, and boy band manager Kenny were kicked out of the covid bubble. Good-bye Dr. Joe, I’ll miss you.
Only 12 men remain in the quest for Tayshia’s love. Based on the scenes from next week the hotel won’t be big enough to fit both Noah and Bennett’s egos. My money is on bougie Bennett. Who are in your top four for Tayshia’s love? Let’s talk in the comments.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.