It’s week six and hometown dates are right around the corner for our tortured twosome which means Gabby and Rachel have no choice but to take their menagerie of men to Amsterdam. You know, because nothing says The Bachelorette like tulip fields, idyllic canals, and group dates in the red light district.
I swear if someone starts making out in the Anne Frank museum like a John Green novel, I will walk.
The Bachelorette Has These Women Stressed
Gabby and Rachel are coming in hot to Amsterdam and by hot I mean stressed the eff out about choosing their final four men going to hometowns.
I don’t know why Rachel is stressed. She only has five men and hasn’t spoken a single word to one of them (Ethan) but here we are.
For her part, Gabby is stressed because she has way too many amazing men (and Logan) to choose between.
Oh, and her truly tragic childhood trauma is rearing its very ugly head again.
Gabby is Spiraling
The first one-on-one date in Amsterdam went to Gabby and fan favorite Nate, but don’t get too excited, because Gabby is in major self-sabotage mode.
We all know Nate has been a contender from day one. Not only has he already received a rose from a previous one-on-one date but he also received the group date rose just last week.
Their chemistry is palpable and he has been Gabby’s defender and safe space week after week. By all standards, they should be end game.
But Nate has a daughter and Gabby is terrified of being a mother due to the scars she carries from her tumultuous relationship with her own mom.
She cares about Nate so deeply, but the fear has gotten to her. She doesn’t want to take the risk of meeting and falling in love with his child at hometowns when she knows she isn’t ready for the responsibility of a child in her life.
You could see their whole relationship disintegrating in front of Nate’s sad eyes, but what could he say? His daughter is his whole world, and as much as he sees a future with Gabby, he can’t force her to be ready for a child.
This was their end, but you couldn’t help but think it’ll be a decision Gabby comes to regret.
Rachel and Zach Get Closer
For once in her life, Rachel wasn’t the one crying within the first fifteen minutes of an episode of The Bachelorette.
Nope, she’s off living her best life in a field of tulips buying lemonade from small Dutch children while on a second one-on-one date with Zach.
Rachel likes Zach and his surprisingly deep voice. Zach likes Rachel enough to tell her that he’s falling in love with her and is ready to introduce her to his family.
They sat in another one of those hot tubs in a random field, talked about therapy over dinner, and danced in the street while a string quartet played.
He got the date rose and will be moving on to hometowns.
It would have been romantic if I enjoyed watching Zach on my screen even a little bit.
Is this Group Date X-Rated?
Gabby could have stayed home licking her wounds from her last date with Nate.
Or she could take the rest of her boyfriends to the red light district and whip them while a Dutch dominatrix asks them increasingly personal questions.
I know what I would choose.
I couldn’t actually tell you anything personal that they shared because nearly every sentence was bleeped out, but Logan did pick the word “asbestos” as his safeword at one point.
Gabby was at her best Gabby self with all of the laughs, but there weren’t any real conversations happening. They’re going to need the after-party if she is going to be able to pick four of them for her hometown dates.
Haha, too bad because Logan just tested positive for Covid, and the after-party is canceled.
This is why you don’t share blindfolds in the red light district during a pandemic.
Rachel’s Last Group Date
For as kinky as Gabby’s date was, Rachel’s was…cheesy?
No, like literally cheesy. Her remaining dudes took off their shirts and competed to see who could hold the most cheese wheels while an elderly man determined who would be the “cheese king”.
For the record, Tino won.
All hail the cheese king.
At their after-party that night, Rachel took her time connecting with each of the men.
She and Aven are still vibing. Tino is a clear front-runner. Ethan is…enthusiastic. But in the end, the group date rose (and the invitation to hometowns) went to Tyler.
I honestly have no idea what she sees in him and, as it turns out, neither does Tino because he was pissed.
Tino is so invested in Rachel that he can’t see her connections with anyone else so every rose that doesn’t go to him feels like rejection.
I have a feeling that’s going to come up again in the future, but for now, all you need to know is that Ethan called him a “baby back bitch” for whining, thus earning my undying affection for life.
Let’s Send Some Guys Home
Apparently getting Covid kicks you off of the season, so Logan was out. Then, it was revealed that Gabby had decided she only wanted to take three men to hometown dates, not the usual four.
So even though she started this episode with six men and four roses, she’d end it with only three of each.
Ultimately, she decided to send Spencer packing which means she’ll meet the families of Erich, Jason, and Johnny.
Rachel had already given out two roses previously in the episode, but she was going to hand out two more for a total of four men.
They’re really just making these rules up as they go along, aren’t they?
Anyway, Rachel was between Aven, Tino, and Ethan but the writing has been on the wall for weeks. Ethan was sent home.
Rachel officially had her final four in Zach, Tyler, Aven, and Tino.
I don’t know if it’s because there are two Bachelorettes or all of Rachel’s crying, but it feels like it has taken thirteen years, not six weeks, to get to this point in the season.
What will they put us through next?
Next week is hometown dates on The Bachelorette which is usually incredibly boring, but that means fantasy suites are right around the corner! Who do you think Rachel and Gabby are going to pick? My money is on Tino and Erich, but I’m losing our fantasy league horribly so don’t listen to me.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.