The Bachelor Has Champagne Problems

Over the weekend I had the pleasure of attending a live recording of The Bachelor fan favorites Ben Higgins and Ashley Iaconetti’s Almost Famous podcast. It went about how you’d expect.

Half the crowd was carrying around plastic tumblers of cheap wine, Ben twerked in skinny jeans, Ashley kissed her husband, Jared, on stage, they interviewed Derek Peth who cried twice, and then got BIP alums Annaliese, Katie, and Sydney to admit Peter Kraus is the hottest man from the franchise (my apologies to Tyler Cameron’s abs). It was like the first episode of Bachelor in Paradise, only with more middle aged moms. Magic.

Then they brought out the surprise musical guest and ruined everyone’s white wine buzz.

It was everyone’s least favorite karaoke king, Jed Wyatt, the man who broke Hannah Brown’s heart by proposing to her while he still had a girlfriend waiting for him in Nashville. No, he didn’t sing the dog food jingle. Yes, half the crowd booed and, of course, I left during his second song to grab an Uber.

Let’s hope bachelor Peter Weber has better luck with his 22 remaining girlfriends.

Hannah Brown

Any hope we had of leaving the Jed and Hannah drama behind on this episode of The Bachelor was dashed like Jed’s chances of a professional singing career by the continuation of last week’s group date. Basically, Hannah Brown is still there only now she’s sitting on Peter’s lap giving him forehead kisses. This should end well.

In the last episode Peter asked her to join the house, but Hannah was like, “nah I’m real life famous now, I don’t want to share a bathroom with 22 aspiring Instagram influencers.” Just kidding, that’s what she meant, but what she said was, “I don’t know.” Riveting. In the end, Peter told Hannah that he needed to get back to his group date and she went back to being indecisive somewhere else.

After Party Vibes

They never ended up finishing the awkward sex story date, for which we are all grateful, but they did get to sit around at the afterparty stewing in their anger and insecurity. Just how we like them.

Natasha showed every one of her 31 years on this earth when she expressed anger to Peter for wasting her time over an ex. I mean, she was right, but someone needs to remind her that she’s dating a 28 year-old pilot who lives at home by choice. Mykenna (22) was pretty sure she nailed it when Peter used his signature move to pick her up and place her on a piece of furniture while kissing. But it was Sydney (24) who took the date rose home after vulnerably sharing the difficulty she had growing up biracial in the South. Can’t say I saw that one coming.

Champagne Problems

The second rose ceremony was on the horizon and Peter’s girlfriends were starting to see their dreams of an ad campaign at Coachella love come to an end. No one was more nervous than Kelsey (28) who blamed everyone but herself for her lack of time with Peter. Lucky for her, she brought a bottle of champagne with her from home which she had been saving for a year to share on a special occasion. Poor, sweet, innocent Kelsey.

You could almost hear the Bachelor producers cackling with joy as Hannah Ann and Peter sat down and opened the bottle of champagne for themselves. Tears and anger ensued, which led to Peter comforting Kelsey with a new bottle. That’s when it happened. We were gifted the single funniest moment in recent Bachelor memory. Kelsey said she’d drink the champagne straight from the bottle because she’s “not a classy bitch all the time” and then it exploded all over her face. I’m still laughing.

Call it Fashion

19 women remain in the hunt for Peter’s frequent flier miles after an uneventful rose ceremony. Kelsey was still mad at Hannah Ann for drinking her special champagne, but Hannah Ann is the type who has gotten away with literally everything she has ever done, so she didn’t appear too bothered by Kelsey’s rage. But, wait, what’s that? Production has put them together on the group date where they’re competing in a fashion runway walk-off à la Derek Zoolander vs Hansel? *chef’s kiss*

What came next was part commercial for Revolve clothing brand, part poor-man’s America’s Next Top Model featuring guest judging by Carson Kressley and Janice Dickinson, but mostly an excuse to get the women on this group date to wear lingerie in public. The assignment was to “show their personalities.” Fortunately for Hannah Ann her “personality” comes in a size 2 with a professional modeling career under its belt.

There will be Tears

It was all kinda a blur of beautiful people in tears from there. So yes, my happy place.

Victoria F. cried because she had gone out of her comfort zone and just wanted to be “seen” by Peter. The whole world saw her in a lace bodysuit on that runway, but sure, let’s give her the date rose, Pilot Pete. Hannah Ann cried because she felt bullied by Kelsey. Kelsey cried because Peter confronted her about the bullying. I cried because this episode was finally over and I could go to sleep.

My Top Picks

My top picks are staying the same as last week because literally nothing of consequence happened on this episode. I think there’s a big chance that Victoria F. is creeping her way into the top four, but it’s late and I don’t feel like updating the photos. I have to say, I did not think Peter was into brunettes like this, but I respect it.

Are you team Kelsey or team Hannah Ann? How much money do you think Revolve spent to get featured on the group date? How many times have you watched the gif of the champagne exploding on Kelsey’s face? Let’s talk in the comments.