The Bachelor Does Not Know What a Fantasy Is

This week on The Bachelor, Peter Weber and his triumvirate of future ex-girlfriends left their hometowns behind for Gold Coast, Australia. After all, it wouldn’t be fantasy suite week if someone wasn’t going down under.

Typically this point in a bachelor’s journey is about finding orgasms clarity. A proposal is mere days away, and any orgasms certainty you can get is worth its weight in roses. Yeah, you’re going to want to go ahead and give up on that, Pete. The only thing certain after this episode is that The Bachelor doesn’t know what a fantasy is.

How do you say, “making your three girlfriends share a hotel during fantasy suite week is messed up” in an Australian accent?

It was awful. I loved every second of it.

An Untimely Ultimatum

Peter was exiting yet another airplane hangar following last week’s rose ceremony when Madison asked if they could talk. Talking on The Bachelor? That’s never a good sign. They sat on a bench – which seems like an airport safety hazard – where Madison avoided eye contact while Peter and his Harry Potter scar panicked. I got really distracted trying to count the layers of mascara on her eyelashes at this point, but basically she told Peter that if he spends the night with anyone during the fantasy suites, she will leave the show.

Peter’s face said, “but why did I keep Victoria around for this long then?” But his mouth said, “So, if I were just to like, spend the night with someone else…is that not something that you could do?” Madison was like, “That’s what I just said, dumbass.” Jk, she told him she wasn’t giving him an ultimatum but, she does believe “actions speak louder than words”.

Girl, what show did you think you were signing up for? Is that a more than reasonable request for someone you’re getting engaged to? OMGyesyesyes. Is it going to fly on The Bachelor? Yeah, no, next time try Christian Mingle.

More is Not Merrier

Hannah Ann, Madison, Victoria

On a typical season, once the women get to fantasy suites they never have to see each other again – unless they’re at a rose ceremony or being humiliated on live television at a reunion, obvs. Not this season though, because the devil works hard but The Bachelor works harder. They stuck poor, sweet, clout hungry Hannah Ann (23), Madison (23), and Victoria (26) together in a hotel suite for the week. It’s one thing to hide in your hotel room and pretend the other two women dating your boyfriend don’t exist. It’s a completely different thing when you have to sit around discussing his sleepovers with each other. It was disgusting, and mean, and completely riveting.

Hannah Ann Wants Her Man

Peter and Hannah’s fantasy date involved going jet skiing and generally looking gorgeous while making out on a beach. The most interesting thing about their day was how Hannah Ann managed to look beautiful even while wearing a life vest. I bet she’s the type that can look in the mirror at a hair appointment without feeling like a drowned rat. Magic.

At dinner that night, Hannah Ann’s eyes darted around looking for the fantasy suite key, but first she needed to assure Peter that he could “do what he needs to do” in his other relationships. Oh, and she “doesn’t need to know details.” I’m more the type that would swipe a b***h but, you do you.

For better or worse (definitely worse), Hannah is in love with Peter, who returned the sentiment with his trademark “I’m falling in love with you” nonsense. So, yes, they spent the night in a penthouse, and, yes, the other women had to hear about it the next day. Someone save me, I’m drowning in cringe.

Victoria and Peter Should Not Speak

Victoria and Peter spent their date on a helicopter tour of Gold Coast which dropped them off on the scenic edge of a waterfall. Okay, now we’re talking fantasy date right? Yeah, you’d think so, but no. There they were sitting in an unreal location and all they could talk about was how terrible their hometown date was. You know, the hometown date where Peter’s ex told him he couldn’t trust Victoria. These two should definitely think about getting engaged soon.

Peter was taking Victoria to the fantasy suites no matter what. You’ve seen her, he’s seen her, we’ve all seen her, it was happening. First though, Victoria tried to clear the air again, explaining that a past relationship destroyed her confidence. Now that’s something I can believe, can we dig deeper into that? Oh, no, that was all she had rehearsed in the mirror. The rest of the conversation devolved into her trademark “I don’t knoooow,” motto until they went to the fantasy suite.

The next morning they smiled together in bed, and Victoria told Peter that she’s in love with him. The man knows his way around a windmill after all. Then she went back to the harem and told Hannah and Madison that she felt like her overnight date was “productive.” Productive! I’m still laughing.

Madison Has Had It

Madison has freaked all the way out. On the one hand she’s really interested in Peter, but on the other she has personal convictions that make this whole situation untenable. By situation I mean the show she voluntarily signed up for, but I digress. Clearly, based on Victoria’s productive date, her ultimatum wasn’t threatening enough and now she has to put her money where her mouth is. Hey, at least she doesn’t have to put it where Peter’s has been.

Before they got to the good stuff, Peter and Madison climbed the tallest building in Gold Coast. It took scaling 90 stories of pure terror, but that’s when she realized she’s in love with him. It might be too late for them though, because that night Madison and Peter had to face the boundary she placed.

Listen, Madison is very clearly on the wrong TV show with the wrong leading man. Peter was never going to respect the bounds of their relationship by abstaining from intimacy with the other women. But she’s not wrong to place a personal boundary in a non-judgmental and shame-free way. She didn’t beat Peter over the head with her beliefs like Luke P. did to Hannah Brown last season. She simply stated what she needed to move forward in their relationship and he wasn’t able to give it.

Peter told Madison that he has been intimate with someone(s) else this week. She sat in shock, before she politely asked if she could have a minute alone. They both cried as they realized this could be the end of their relationship. But it was also the end of the episode, because we won’t find out what happens until next week.

Coming (No Pun Intended) Up

Next week we will get the rest of this episode. What a gift. Fingers crossed that we’ll finally see Peter’s mom sob, “bring her home to us,” so those promos will end soon. I feel confident in my theory from last week that Madison leaves and Peter drops everyone else to chase her down. Let’s also hope he drops some penicillin down his throat. Along with that we’ll get the Women Tell All special which should make us all grateful to not be on this show. Until next time, keep your ultimatums short and your vaccination record long.

Who do you think Peter ends up with in the end? Do you agree with me that Madison and Luke P. are different because their approaches were different? Who do you hope to see at the Women Tell All? Let’s talk in the comments!

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