Star Wars: The Nerds Awaken

Last week, Disney decided that it wanted to break the internet and our brains and previewed their upcoming lineup, from Marvel to Pixar and everything in between,  making sure we never forget that the Mouse owns all of us. Of course they also gave us all the Star Wars goodness, and it took Julie and Janna almost an entire week to wrap their minds around it all.

Nevertheless, those nerds persisted.

Rogue Squadron

“The next Star Wars feature film will be Rogue Squadron — directed by Patty Jenkins (Wonder Woman franchise). The story will introduce a new generation of starfighter pilots as they earn their wings and risk their lives in a boundary-pushing, high-speed thrill-ride, and move the saga into the future era of the galaxy.”

Julie: Hands down, that is how all Star Wars films should be announced. Rollerblades included.

Janna: I am gonna need Rian Johnson to announce his upcoming Star Wars trilogy on rollerblades as well. And yes, it’s a need. Not a want. 

Julie: Finally, FINALLY we have a Star Wars film directed by a woman. 

Janna: And it only took 43 years! What a day for womankind.

Julie: So, here’s what we know: there’s going to be x-wings, it’s going to take place in space, and Patty Jenkins can do no harm. 

Janna: If Patty knows what she’s doing, there will be some ladies in those x-wings too.

Julie: Fingers crossed, we get a No Man’s Land-esque fly sequence in space. Every woman knows that scene. 

Janna: And if she wants to have Chris Pine naked in a hot springs, I’m fine with that too.

Taika Waititi’s Untitled Star Wars Project

“Star Wars’ theatrical slate is pushing forward into a new future era,” [Lucasfilm President Kathleen] Kennedy said. “Taika’s approach to Star Wars will be fresh, unexpected, and unique. His enormous talent and sense of humor will ensure audiences are in for an unforgettable ride.”

Julie: If Taika Waititi can make me care about Thor, he can have the entire Star Wars catalog for all I care. 

Janna: I have loved everything Taika has ever done and will ever do. We are Threat Level Midnight over here in terms of excitement.

Julie: The project could even be an entire trilogy about ewoks, and I would watch the shit out of that. 

Janna: He could play Hitler himself and I would still watch it..oh wait,  I DID.

Julie: So far, we have no idea what his project is about. What we do know is that Taika knows the dark side of this fandom (looking at you, Fanboys who feed off of the hatred of Kelly Marie Tran) and he matches your asshole with his own. 

 

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Janna: You can’t out-asshole Taika Watiti.

Julie: I can just picture it now. Fanboys: “He fucking ruined Star Wars for me.” Taika: “I know! That guy’s a dickhead. I heard he also tried to make Lady Thor. Fucker.”

Janna: I love him.

Andor

Janna: Who? What? Isn’t this guy dead?

Julie: Was I supposed to care about him?

Janna: Why do I want to watch “The Very Sad Story of This Guy Before He Died Stealing The Death Star Plans”?

Julie: The only thing I can remember from Rogue One is that they computer generated a young Carrie Fisher. 

Janna: I remember that Mads Mikkelsen was hot in that movie. Why didn’t we get a show about him? He’s literally the one who put the design flaw on the Death Star. Talk about a real (hot) hero.

Julie: Will we still watch? Yes, but because Diego Luna still has the sexiest accent in outer space. 

Lando

Julie: Are we going to talk about the new Lando show?

Janna: I already did. Qi’ra was robbed, and that’s all I have to say at this time.

Julie: Good call. Moving on. 

Ahoska


Julie: Let’s be honest, we saw this coming the minute she stepped on screen this season on The Mandalorian

Janna: Those screams you undoubtedly hear are from the fans of The Clone Wars who’ve been begging for this for YEARS. Their righteous vindication must taste so, so sweet.

Julie: Like that blue titty milk Luke drank in The Last Jedi. 

Janna: That’s gross. You’re right, but it’s gross.

Julie: I am pretty stoked for this. Jon Favreau and Dave Filoni have my complete devotion. I even forgave Jon after the Frog Lady. That’s a huge step forward for me. 

Janna: I just hope her theme song is as cool as The Mandalorian’s. And that Temeura Morrison gets cast in a recurring role, because that guy is the sweetest.

Julie: He also has a sweet deal: every stormtrooper in Clone Wars is a clone…of him. He’s set for life. Get that Disney cash, Temeura! 

Janna: So will we watch? Absolutely we will. I’ve already bought some sweet merch.

Julie: And I’m getting my cosplay costume ready. Am I going to a con? I don’t know. Will you all start wearing a mask so I can go to SDCC? Thank you.

Rangers of the New Republic

“Set within the timeline of The Mandalorian, this new live-action series from executive producers Jon Favreau and Dave Filoni will intersect with future stories and culminate into a climactic story event.”

Janna: All we know about this show is that it’s a spin-off of The Mandalorian, it might include Gina Carino as Cara Dune, and that we’ll probably watch it whether we like it or not.

Julie: And after Gina Carino’s whole “Follow me on Parler” shitstorm, the struggle to watch this show will be for real. 

The Acolyte

Janna: Described as a “Mystery Thriller” in the “High Republic era” we are equally clueless and intrigued. What exactly would a Jedi mystery thriller in space look like? 

Julie: You want to know what it looks like? See The Rise of Skywalker. The mystery is figuring out who thought Rey Skywalker was a good idea. 

Janna: And the thrill is that…actually I’d call that more of a Mystery Horror.

Julie: Russian Dolls’s Leslye Headland is behind this. Along with hiring Patty Jenkins, Star Wars finally figured out that women can carry on the George Lucas vision and can do it without forsaking their own identity. Once again, see Rey Skywalker.  

Janna: This is going to be a must-watch for me.

Obi-Wan Kenobi

We were going to wax poetically about this show so hard, but we both thought it was therapeutic that Janna have this conversation…with herself. Janna from 2020, meet Janna from 2005. 

2005 Janna: Why am I here?

2020 Janna: Oh, girl. Do I have some news for you. I presume you are still madly in love with Hayden Christenen?

2005 Janna: Of course. The hair! The brooding! The lightsaber skills! 

2020 Janna: The memes!

2005 Janna: The what?

2020 Janna: Never mind..moving on. Now, I know we got a lot of shit for our undying love for Hayden’s performance as Anakin Skywalker. But we defended him til we were blue in the face, didn’t we?

2005 Janna: We did! We do.

2020 Janna: Well baby girl, I’m telling you right now that it was all worth it,  because in 15 years we will learn that Hayden will be reprising his role as Anakin/Darth Vader in the Disney+ show Obi-Wan Kenobi and BREAKS THE INTERNET. 2005 Janna walked so that 2020 Janna could run…straight to the haters with an “I told you so, bitches!!!”

2005 Janna: That’s amazing news! But what does Disney have to do with anything?

2020 Janna: Disney owns us all now. And they’re going to raise their prices and we will fork over the money with dreamy smiles on our faces because HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN IS RETURNING TO STAR WARS.

2005 Janna: He didn’t return to Star Wars before this?

2020 Janna: Er…no. It’s been a rough 15 years. But if you think you love Anakin Skywalker now, wait til you meet his grandson in 2015 .

2005 Janna: Um…if you say so.

2020 Janna: Also we grow up and have twins, but we don’t name them Luke and Leia. Sorry. Mike said no.

2005 Janna: Who’s Mike?

2020 Janna: He’s not Hayden Christensen, I’ll tell you that much.

2005 Janna: Anything else I should know?

2020 Janna: BEN SOLO DESERVED BETTER, DAMN IT.

Sure we didn’t get a Ben Solo limited series starring Adam Driver, but Disney is giving us an entire galaxy of fresh storytelling with new adventures, characters, and Diego Luna saying “Star Wars” and making it sound like pure sex. We’re in.

Catch all our current and future Star Wars coverage here!

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