The Bachelorette Overnight Dates Were an Actual Disaster

Hold onto your STD test results, there are only four episodes left in Gabby and Rachel’s quest for the one ring which means it’s time for the overnight dates in Riviera Maya, Mexico.

The last time Gabby and Rachel went on overnight dates they ended up crying their press-on nails off over a man they called Clay’in so things can only go up from there, right?

Lol, no

Okay someone at Bachelor headquarters is taking this whole “overnight” thing a little too seriously because they aired over not one night but two.

You know that quote from Mary Oliver that asks, “What will you do with your one wild and precious life?” Watch the bachelorettes bone multiple men several nights in a row, apparently, Mary.

Night one opened with Rachel and Gabby giving each other a peptalk before their strenuous week. Gabby was like, as much as I want to “play, giggle, and chase each other around naked I technically need to, like, talk to them.”

Rachel was like, “Yeah totally, and I don’t want to say I love you to multiple men like Clay’in did to us” and then went into detail about each of her three remaining men while Gabby did her headbobbing agreeable thing.

Tino is still her number one boyfriend even though his parents terrified her by being slightly psychotic on his hometown dates.

Zach is more into her than she is into him which felt like a big reveal for such a quick conversation.

Aven is super hot and she’s falling for him but they aren’t as far along because this show refuses to show his dates.

Then Gabby reluctantly indulged that her a little bit about her men too.

Her connection with Jason is unlike anything she has ever had before because he is so emotionally available.

Johnny is just here for shits and giggles and because he’ll get naked.

Erich is the most real relationship she has but she admits that anything can change in a week.

Yeah, we know, we’ve been watching it the whole time. Let’s get to the good stuff.

The women hugged, wished each other good luck on the sex overnight dates, and we are off.

Gabby and Erich Start off the Overnight Dates

Erich is Gabby’s number one contender so it makes sense that he’s the first one to go on an overnight date.

They spent the day jumping off of a platform into a cenote where the main storyline was supposed to be a metaphor for jumping into love even though it’s scary.

The actual main story was Gabby’s butt being censored out by a giant black box Erich’s mullet that Gabby finally let her guard down.

At one point she said she wanted to “crawl inside” of him and as a fellow emotionally stunted adult woman who often describes her affection for her husband in terms of disembowelment, that means she’s in love.

At dinner that night Erich told Gabby that he was in love with her, but by the next morning when they woke up together he was obsessed. Like, talking about crying in the shower, begging her for reassurance that she wasn’t freely giving, obsessed. The boy has got it bad. He told her that he wants to be the one standing with her at the end and if he plays his cards right, he probably will be.

Gabby *thinks* she probably loves him too, but she wants to wait it out and see what happens with the other men because she has never trusted herself or her ability to love since her mom abandoned her.

Stop screwing up your kids, parents! It’s ruining my chance to see beautiful people find love on TV.

Rachel and Aven get their night

Aven is hot. Rachel is hot. Let’s get them half-naked and put them on a Mexican yacht.

They really can’t get away from the whole boat theme this summer, can they?

Wait, what? Why is Tino on my screen whining again? We get it, he doesn’t want Rachel to be with anyone else. Did we really need to see him profusely sweating while he complained to Jesse about it? Wait your turn like a good boy.

Okay, back to Rachel and Aven who had a good date on the yacht, a fine dinner on the beach, and then woke up looking mighty comfortable in a bed together.

They kept repeating back to each other that they were falling in love like that’s a normal thing for people to say but they’re pretty to look at so I’m not complaining.

Tino Again

Speaking of complaining, next up was Tino’s date with Rachel.

Wait, where did Gabby go? I have a bad feeling about this.

You know what else doesn’t give me a good feeling? Tino’s whole vibe.

Like, sure, they spent the day riding horses and jumping into yet another cenote, but he’s just so intense.

Tino is laser-focused on Rachel. He doesn’t care that his family basically hated her during his hometown. He doesn’t care that Rachel has other relationships. He has decided that she’s his and he is hers, and that’s all he can see.

So at dinner that night when Rachel brought up the disastrous hometown again he dismissed Rachel’s concerns because he was so sure about her that everyone else can just get in line.

Has that ever worked out in the history of romantic relationships?

But wait, what’s that? Did Rachel just exclaim that she’s IN love with him too? Not falling, not feeling the same way, but the actual words “I love you too” left her mouth?!?

Clay’in must be punching air right now.

Gabby and Johnny are up next

Never mind about my earlier concern, Gabby is here and she’s on a date with the male version of herself, Johnny.

Oh, wait, hold that, Johnny is only 25? We should definitely still be concerned.

I like Johnny and Gabby likes Johnny, but Johnny very clearly went on The Bachelorette for fun and is now on overnight dates with a 31-year-old woman who wants to be engaged.

So it didn’t matter that they had a romantic sailboat ride or that they had a blanket spread out on a beautiful beach, their time is up.

Gabby helped Johnny to realize that while they have fun together, he’s only here for a good time, not a long time.

They said their goodbyes in what would have been a sad moment if we hadn’t just seen a commercial for Bachelor in Paradise that very prominently featured Johnny on the cast.

Things get worse for Gabby

In good news, the men do not appear to have been forced to share a hotel suite this week as they have in seasons past.

In bad news, that means we kept getting spliced in scenes of Jesse Palmer talking to each of them while they spiraled in self-doubt. Next up for that fun little activity was Jason who apparently is not falling in love with Gabby yet has no intention of getting engaged in a week.

That’s not great news for Gabby, but hey, at least she still has Erich, right? RIGHT?

Sorta.

When Gabby got back from saying goodbye to Johnny, she found a note that asked her to meet a mystery man on a bridge. Obviously the mystery man was Erich and obviously, he’s about to mess up what should be a sure thing.

Gabby thought Erich just wanted to see her again, but guess again girlfriend, because Erich is freaking the eff out.

He is in love with Gabby and the thought of her sleeping with another man this week feels like cheating on him. I mean, it absolutely is cheating in the real world, but this is The Bachelorette so it feels more like a gray area, buddy.

It especially felt like a gray area to Gabby who accused him of bringing up the topic on camera even though they had already settled it in private on their date. She felt cornered by him, and like he was testing her. All she wants is someone who trusts her, but he is letting his own insecurities destroy them.

I can’t decide if Erich just got too far into his own head, if he was being manipulated by producers to rehash this conversation on camera, or if he’s a controlling dickhead. But my instincts tell me it’s a little bit of column A and column B.

I don’t get controlling vibes from him. That feels more like Tino’s thing.

Either way, Gabby was not having it, and Monday night’s episode of the overnight dates ended with her wondering if this is all over for her.

Jesse continues to give useless advice

Fast forward 24 hours and we are back for night two of the overnight dates.

This second episode opened with Erich looking at the camera in an interview in full panic. He knew immediately that he had messed up by telling Gabby that he considered her future dates to be cheating.

We know that because he kept repeating, “I f*cked up” over and over again. He apologized to Gabby for speaking from his insecurities and unjustified doubts. He begged her to forgive him and forget what he did.

Gabby agreed that he was coming from a good place, but ultimately it felt like he didn’t know her at all if he can’t trust her to make the best decisions for herself.

She took her turn sitting down with Jesse but he was like, “I know you shared many special moments” as if that helped at all.

All she knows is that she’s going to continue to trust herself and she’s looking forward to her date with Jason because she “knows there’s no question to his intentions.

She probably should have questioned his intentions

Apparently, they blew through the yacht budget already this week because Jason and Gabby spent their day playing tennis on the hotel court and swimming in the hotel pool.

Gotta make that resort fee feel worth it, you know?

Despite the lack of glamor, this date worked for Jason and Gabby because it put him at ease. He was in his element teaching her how to play tennis, and it was perhaps the first time he appeared relaxed all season.

Gabby said after their day date that she “just knew it was going to work” for them, but things took a turn at dinner when Jason told her that he will not be ready for an engagement in a week. The cameras and the whole concept of the show made him extremely uncomfortable, and as a realist, he doesn’t even feel like he knows her.

Shhhh, that’s the whole conceit of the show.

Gabby seemed surprised that he was still so uncomfortable on camera but the man barely breathes the entire time he’s in a scene. This isn’t a big mystery.

Anyway, he ended up talking her into still spending the night together in the fantasy suite, but they shouldn’t have wasted their time because…

He broke up with her in the fantasy suite.

HE broke up with HER.

They met up the next morning to hash it out on camera, but basically he never really liked her and was leading her on for weeks.

I think I might hate him.

Gabby sobbed in an interview saying that she has tried so hard not to be reckless with other people but he was reckless with her. She felt rejected, unlovable, and too broken for anyone to want.

The good news is that Erich is going absolutely feral waiting for her to pick him, but all she could see at that moment was her rejection again.

It was her biggest insecurity come to life.

Zach and Rachel try to turn this thing around

Gabby may have been off reliving her worst childhood trauma, but they forced two bachelorettes on us, so the show must go on.

Rachel and Zach spent their day tequila tasting, exploring local tourist traps, and getting a tarot card reading. It was a perfectly pleasant day with a kind man who I think genuinely loves her.

Too bad he gives me (and her) the ick.

Zach went into the fantasy suite with Rachel saying, “I’m so in love with her, and nothing coming out of tonight can change that” but by the time they woke up things had indeed changed.

They opened the morning after scene in the usual way with the two of them drinking coffee on the balcony, but the energy was off. Rachel was making cryptic comments about the tough night they had and how it was a lot to digest, but hopefully, it gave him clarity.

Like, WTF? I want some clarity too please, thanks.

A tearful Zach showed up to Papa Jesse and gave us a bit more insight. Basically the second the cameras turned off Rachel turned into a different person.

She was cold and indifferent and kept making comments about him being too young for her.

I haven’t watched every single season of this show for nothing, people. She wants Tino and was only dragging Zach along for good TV, but he was actually falling in love with her and she was over the game. Only she played it with the wrong person and Zach has the potential to make her look very, very bad.

Gabby takes her moment

Okay, more on Zach and Rachel in a minute. First, it’s time to watch Gabby make her final decision.

Will she walk away from the season right now or will she choose to give Erich a chance?

Have you seen what Erich looks like? When a man like that tells you he loves you you stick around to try it out for a while.

Obviously Gabby told Erich that he’s the last man there and that she’s in love with him.

He shouted out, “This is freaking amazing!” and then they held each other.

I’m so happy for Gabby! She deserves a happy ending more than anyone I’ve seen on this show in a long time. I hope they hang out in Mexico for the next week getting tan and eating chips by the pool before they get engaged for my entertainment on the finale.

Rachel’s Rose Ceremony

But wait, there’s more.

Gabby might be happily settled down with Erich, but Rachel still needs to dump one of her three remaining men. However, just as she was about to start handing out roses, Zach interrupted to tell her that he needed to talk to her.

Okay, nothing we haven’t seen before, let’s see them talk it out.

Wait…where’d the show go?

Suddenly the entire episode flashed to a scene of Jesse Palmer standing in a disheveled studio in Los Angeles. He held out his hands and told us that we will not see the end of this episode until next week because we “have to prepare ourselves for the shocking events that are to come.”

He went on to say that a crazy controversy is about to ensue and then he rolled a trailer for the rest of the season that was just pure chaos.

Everyone was crying. Gabby was storming off. Rachel’s family was embroiled in some sort of lie. There was running around, and people yelling. And apparently, we’ll get to see the whole thing unfold in the finale next Tuesday night.

I can’t believe I’m falling for this again.