Welcome back to The Bachelorette where going on vacation with your girlfriend and her two other boyfriends while she ponders who to dump first is considered a fantasy. Although, I can’t blame a girl. Have you seen Joe, Nayte, and Brandon? You call that Michelle’s fantasy week. I call that my browser history.
What did I miss?
Unlike Michelle, I am not living in a fantasy so I missed the first fifteen minutes of the episode because I apparently make horrible dinners that no living six-year-old would want to eat.
Luckily I’ve seen all eleventy hundred seasons of this show, so here’s my best guess on what I missed:
- Some b-roll of the beach in Punta Mita, Mexico (located a measly 30 minutes from Paradise)
- Michelle and Kaitlyn and/or Tayshia walking the beach talking about how hard this week’s decision will be
- Brandon picking Michelle up and spinning her around before riding horses on the beach
How’d I do?
Michelle + Brandon
By the time I started watching Brandon and Michelle they were already waist-deep in the Pacific Ocean with their tongues testing the strength of their covid tests.
These two are super into each other. His family loved her, they have similar values, they always have fun together, and she likes sucking his face. What more could we want?
Brandon doesn’t know either, so he told her that he’s in love with her. Like head-over-heels will cut out laminated shapes for her classroom after work in love.
Michelle said that she’s falling in love with him too and she has never met someone who makes her heart feel so safe.
With chemistry like these two have, a stay in the fantasy suite was inevitable.
After making out in a hot tub while fireworks exploded over their heads, the show went closed-door on us until they woke up in bed together the next day. Things must have gone well because Michelle said she woke up “with a smile on her face.”
Subtly is not the name of this game.
Then they had a food fight with breakfast empanadas.
I hope they tipped the maid.
Michelle + Joe
Next up in the roster for Michelle’s fantasy week was her little slice of home, Joe.
These two went ziplining which allowed Joe to finally exhibit a hint of his personality by yelling, “Micheeeeeeeeeeelle” at the top of his lungs through the jungles of Mexico. It was odd, but Michelle liked seeing his “goofy” side.
I like looking at any side of Joe so you won’t hear me complaining.
They had a picnic on the beach after but it was super boring so I kinda checked out.
Just when things looked dire for Joe, he threw himself a life raft. Basically, Michelle wants to change the world and so does Joe. Suddenly she could see their future lining up in front of them. We’re talking 3 kids, solid jobs, volunteering in their communities, and never ever leaving Minneapolis. Bliss.
The other thing that was blissful was Michelle’s face after they woke up in the fantasy suite the next morning. Did I say this date was boring? Sorry, I meant it was super hot and I had to look away because it seemed private.
She lounged in bed kissing him and promising to make him breakfast next time while Joe waltzed around shirtless looking like something out of my diary.
By the end of the date, Michelle said that 24 hours with Joe had changed everything. Now she feels like she has clarity.
Yeah, I have clarity after watching those kisses too.
Michelle + Nayte
This show is a dumpster fire, so after every one of Michelle’s fantasy week overnight dates, they made the man give a super uncomfy debrief to the other men currently dating the woman they love.
It’s awkward and awful. I love every second of it.
Needless to say, it’s even getting to calm and confident, Nayte.
Not that he would ever admit it.
Nayte is the king of cool. The world could be burning and he’d be like, “I’m chill. We’re vibing.” And Michelle loves every second of it.
They spent their day riding a catamaran and oozing sexual tension so it was only a matter of time before they made it to the fantasy suite, but first Michelle needed to know where Nayte’s feelings were landing.
She asked him at dinner if he had a lot on his mind to talk about and he was like, “Not really, no.” But eventually, she pulled his emotions out of him like she was hauling him over the side of a cliff.
Yes, he’s falling for her. Yes, he sees a future with her. Maybe an engagement is on the line, but in his own words he “doesn’t have all the answers but that’s life though.”
Super reassuring stuff.
But hey, Nayte is 6’8″ and tattooed so Michelle was like, “Good enough for me!”
The next morning they woke up looking less than well-rested in bed and a mariachi band serenaded them from their balcony. Things were looking good for Nayte.
But he really sealed the deal when he admitted that he’s now in love with Michelle. Not falling, but in love.
And Michelle…wait for it…said, “I am definitely in love with you too.”
Is that end game? Because I think it might be end game.
Then there were two
The three men filed into the rose ceremony looking like an ax was hanging over their collective necks. The tension was high. Who was Michelle going to take to the end?
At this point, it could be honestly any combination of three and I’d believe it. Well done, Michelle.
Then, just as she was about to put us all out of our misery and start handing out roses, Brandon interrupted and asked if they could talk.
Nayte was like, “You only ever hail mary when you’re losing.” Which makes sense, but Brandon didn’t really have much to say. He just wanted Michelle to know that he’s there for her and that she has someone on her side no matter what.
Odd timing, but okay, bro.
Back to the rose ceremony.
The first rose, in no surprise to anyone who has been paying attention, went to Nayte. He enthusiastically accepted it with a huge smile on his face.
It was down to Brandon and Joe.
Then with the music coming to a crescendo and all the building emotion in the world, the last rose went to…dramatic pause…Brandon.
I, for one, was shocked. I probably would have been shocked no matter what, but shocked nonetheless.
Joe’s Last Good-Bye
A tearful Michelle walked Joe out to say their final good-byes but Joe was completely stone-faced. Like lifeless.
To be fair, he spent a lot of the season like that, but in this case, I think it was a genuine shock.
He hugged her good-bye and wished her well. Then, Michelle collapsed on the ground sobbing while Joe tearfully asked “What did Brandon say to her?” as he was driven off in the SUV of shame.
In the words of Carrie Bradshaw after she let Big die in her arms, “just like that” Michelle’s fantasy week was over.
Next Tuesday is the three-hour finale. Will Michelle end up engaged to Brandon or Nayte? I don’t know but I can’t wait to judge her decision from the comfort of my yoga pants and couch.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.