What’s the saying? New year, same me sitting on my couch judging gorgeous women fighting over Tyler Cameron’s BFF while quarantined at a resort in Pennsylvania. Something like that.
It’s 2021 and Mondays are for The Bachelor again. Don’t let us down, Matt James, we need this.
The Pressure is On For Matt James
It has been talked about ad-nauseam, but the importance of Matt James (28, NYC, real-estate broker/community organizer) being the franchise’s first black bachelor in 24 seasons and 19 years can’t be understated. After an unending surplus of mediocre white guys and one fake Italian prince, we finally have a black man in the lead. Talk about pressure.
No really, talk about the pressure with your mom and Chris Harrison for our entertainment, thanks.
Matt’s gorgeous mom raised Matt and his older brother as a single mom in North Carolina. She is white, his dad is black. Their divorce apparently messed Matt all the way up, because he’s terrified of heartbreak and has never been in love before. Surely this will end well for us all. He was raised in the Christian faith, played football for Wake Forest, and apparently ate his vegetables because he’s 6’5″. Mama James thinks he’s ready for love. Please, god, let it be true.
In his conversation with Chris Harrison, Matt addressed the pressure he’s under as the first black bachelor. He’s nervous that no matter who he falls for, he’ll be disappointing someone as the poster boy for Bachelor diversity. In his own words, ” I don’t want to piss off black people and I don’t want to piss off white people, but I’m both of those.” Don’t worry Matt, if there’s one thing I know about Bachelor Nation it’s that America is going to complain no matter what. Quick, take your shirt off in the shower to distract us again.
32 Quarantined Women is A Lot
While Matt was off getting pep talks and serving us flannel daddy hotness in the fields of Farmington, Pennsylvania, his menagerie was quarantining in their rooms at the Nemacolin Resort. I know that La Quinta in Palm Springs from the last season of The Bachelorette was supposed to be luxurious, but this place blows it out of the water. Finally, the dreamy fairytale location we deserve.
Bring on the embarrassing limo entrances.
Khayla (28, NC) arrived in an old truck to remind Matt of their shared North Carolina roots. He asked her if it was an automatic and she was like, “Bitch, please.”
Serena P. (22, Toronto) brought a step stool with her so her 5’2″ frame could reach Matt James’ face. Just like one of my kids trying to reach the candy bars I hide on top of the fridge.
Saneh (25, Denver) pulled up her dress to show cloven hoof slippers because she thinks Matt is the GOAT. Because every man wants to be reminded of farm animals on a first meeting.
Alana (26, Toronto) pulled out a bowl of cold spaghetti and made Matt Lady and the Tramp a noodle with her. Obviously, it ended in the first kiss of the season that tasted like stale pasta, but not the last.
MJ (23, Ohio) drove up the driveway in a pizza delivery car to give Matt a snack, but she couldn’t figure out how to open the back door so she had to climb through the front to drag the box out.
Kimberley (28, Seattle) threw a fish at him like a Pike’s Place fishmonger, but she missed and it splattered at his feet.
Casandra (25, Newport Beach) wore his name on the back of a football jersey while carrying a helmet. She honestly might need that helmet soon, because this show is full contact.
Kaili (26, Chicago) arrived in lingerie pushing a clothing rack so that Matt could pick her gown for the night. He admired her…confidence.
Ileana (25, NYC) asked Matt, “Can I put my balls in your mouth?” and then fed him a dry meatball the size of a softball.
Kit (21, NYC) pulled up in a Bentley, because the limo was giving her, “rideshare vibes.” There’s a global pandemic causing a nationwide economic crisis, Kit. Read the room.
Victoria (27, Los Angeles) was carried up the driveway wearing a tiara by men hefting her on a litter. No red flags there.
Katie (29, Washington) outdid them all when she hugged Matt James and told him that she brought something with her that had been helping her through the difficulty of Covid-19. It was a sparkly purple vibrator that Matt said she wielded like a lightsaber. May the force be with her.
Matt is the first bachelor we’ve had who didn’t appear on a previous season since 2013. We know basically nothing about him. So when he opened the rose ceremony with a prayer thanking God for their health it took us all by surprise. I mean, I didn’t start crying like half of his future ex-girlfriends but I also haven’t been quarantined for weeks. By all appearances, Matt is a chill, sincere man who is scared out of his mind to be on this journey. Perfect, we have him just where we want him.
Matt doesn’t have a poker face, like at all, so it was obvious who he likes. He quickly hit it off with Serena P. (22, Publicist) when he tried to cheat in a game of chess using those huge game pieces they only have at fancy hotels, only these ones were discount sized. It’s quarantine after all.
Then, sparks flew with Rachael (24, Graphic Designer), mostly because she’s hot and capable of holding a conversation.
Mari (24, Marketing Director) quickly captured his attention when she spoke about being from Puerto Rico. You can tell that Matt has no idea how to be The Bachelor because he immediately started asking her sincere questions about the hurricane and how her family was handling everything. Of course, their conversation got interrupted when Katie tapped her on the shoulder with her vibrator, but we can’t have everything.
He really hit it off with Bri (24, San Franciso) when she related to his bi-racial background (she’s Persian and black) with divorced parents that jaded her view of love. Did she see that interview with Chris Harrison before this or what?
But in the end, the first impression rose went to Abigail (25, Oregon) who was born deaf but given the ability to hear thanks to a cochlear implant. She impressed him with her willingness to be vulnerable and the fact that she’s, like, super hot. Abigail and Matt shared the first real kiss of the season and I am feeling it.
After some more dildo drama and the queen girl getting sloppy drunk, it was time for the rose ceremony. To the best of my ability to keep count, Matt handed out 20 roses which means 12 went home. Which twelve? I have no idea, you need to find a real recapper to tell you that. I’m tired.
Top Four, No Spoilers
As always I don’t do spoilers unless someone ruins it for me in the comments of my Bachelor meme page. That being said, it’s not like this is rocket science. Matt has a type and it’s gorgeous women with medium tan skin who can hold an intelligent conversation and bounce a quarter off their ass. I mean, same.
It’s hard to believe that another season has already started, but it’s off to a wild start. Expect a lot of tears, a few more women to arrive, and, surely, a cameo by my boyfriend Tyler Cameron. What do you think of Matt James as the bachelor so far? Let’s talk in the comments.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.