The end of Charity’s season of The Bachelorette is so close that I can almost see
Dotun one of them on bended knee from here. But first, Charity has to sit across from a flock of her exes who are grappling for the last fleeting moments of their fifteen minutes of fame while Jesse Palmer feigns concern on the Men Tell All special.
The things we’ll do
under contract for love.
Brayden takes over the Men Tell All
For some godforsaken reason, this season’s villain Brayden’s storyline took a full forty minutes of this two-hour show.
Nothing that man did this season deserved that much attention.
Regardless, this season really didn’t have much other drama, so Jesse opened the night with a sizzle reel of every time he pissed off the other men in the house. We all saw it the first time around, Jesse thanks for nothing.
Except…hold up…see…the thing is…when you see it all spliced together like that it…wasn’t that bad?
Am I losing it?
Like, yes, Brayden is obnoxious with his chirping, heightened emotions, and strong opinions. I certainly wouldn’t recommend that any of my friends date him (that means you, ladies of Bachelor in Paradise), but that’s just because he’s douchey.
As long as you don’t trust him with your heart you’re probably in for a fun, albeit temporary, and drama-filled time. Sometimes that’s what the doctor ordered, just not for Charity.
The Brayden show went on for way too long before it culminated in him giving Jesse a pair of clip-on earrings and then closed with a trailer of him making out with Kat (Zach’s season) on the beaches of Paradise.
No one wanted this.
Xavier takes the hot seat
After forty excruciating minutes of the Brayden show, we got to see Xavier relive one of the biggest mistakes of his life in front of a live audience from the hot seat.
I could tell Xavier’s segment was going to be a tough watch when he apologized to some guy named Peter for some light cyber-bullying between the men that happened off camera. Apparently, all of them men had ganged up on a guy who got kicked off on night one by writing “FP” (f*ck Peter) in their captions on IG. This was a waste of time, other than Xavier being the only one to apologize.
Someone knew he needed to start practicing his apology skills early and often.
While the montage of his relationship with Charity played in the studio, Xavier looked stricken. He winced, sighed, and closed his eyes every time something stupid came out of his mouth. Which was a lot.
Basically, his story is that he fumbled the bag. He thought she wasn’t going to pick him so he panicked and threw up a wall that ended everything. Xavier has since been in therapy and admits that he thinks about Charity every day.
He got the chance to speak to Charity again when she came out, but it didn’t go the way he hoped. She ate him up.
He sat and took it while she reamed him for leading her on, and for not being ready for commitment. He admitted that he said all of the wrong things and that he has a lot of regrets, but she wasn’t going to let him get away with rewriting the narrative.
In the end, he confessed that he still has feelings for Charity and you could almost see her empathetic side peeking through. Take it and run, Xavier, this is the best you’re going to get!
Then he ran off stage to bring her a rose that he had knitted for her and ruined all of the goodwill he had just engendered.
That man is his own worse enemy.
Gerry Dominates the Men Tell All
Charity ended her short appearance at the Men Tell All with a conversation with three past Bachelorettes (Trista, Desiree, DeAnna) but who cares because here comes Gerry.
I have been indifferent about the Golden Bachelor, but the scenes from his season were so sweet it almost won me over. The man cried on camera about the tragic and sudden loss of his high school sweetheart and wife of 46 years. He is gentle, grounded, kind, and ready to take on this new adventure.
I mean, yes, he plays up the clueless boomer thing a bit, but I’ll let it slide for now.
My favorite part of his interview was when Jesse asked him if he was ready for a love like he had with his wife again and he said no. He’s not looking for that young, reckless, all-encompassing kind of love now. He’s looking for something and someone completely different now because his life is completely different without his late wife.
I can’t believe they sucked me again.
Next Monday is the three-hour finale of Charity’s season. My body is ready.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.