The Bachelor in Paradise Finale was Everything

The Bachelor in Paradise finale had everything. Overnight dates, brutal break-ups, romantic engagements, ex-girlfriends who can’t take a hint, and Dean Unglert’s mustache.

Forget the autumnal equinox. Now summer can officially end.

I’ve seen what I needed to see.

Let the Bachelor in Paradise Finale Begin

Last week’s episode ended with Abigail and Noah’s totally expected but still slightly sad break-up.

I know Paradise wanted everyone to think they were the couple “most likely to live happily ever after,” but from what we saw they were the couple “most likely to have friend vibes and the inability to communicate with one another effectively.”

Doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

For some reason, this week’s finale opened with Noah and Abigail still in the death throes of their relationship. I really felt like this had already been wrapped up but hey, we have three hours to fill.

Anyway, they’re over. Noah and his pinky ring made a run for the SUV of shame and then Abby gave everyone else in the cast relationship anxiety when she left too.

Oh wait, did I say they’re over? Nothing in Bachelor Nation is ever actually over.  Rumor has it that they’ve since rekindled their relationship.

Give me those fifteen minutes of my life back.

Quick Pause for Some Hot Goss

As an aside, last week Dale and Clare ended their engagement (again). In a fun twist, Clare had Abigail tagged in her break-up announcement post. Can you even?

Supposedly Abigail and Dale may have hooked up at some point over the last year. I have no idea if that’s true, but I live for that level of petty.

Also, it could possibly explain why Abigail had a difficult time opening up to Noah. Like Noah is fine, but he won’t be modeling Halloween costumes any time soon.

Roses are Red, Cocktail Parties are Canceled

Listen, at this point, Wells has to be sick of pulling double duty as the bartender and the host so he canceled the cocktail hour. Instead, they went straight to the rose ceremony where absolutely nothing surprising happened.

The couples went as follows:

Joe and Serena: I can’t say I saw it coming, but these two are obsessed with each other. I hope they talk about her willingness to move to Chicago.

Riley and Maurissa: If they love each other half as much as I love them they’ll last forever.

Kenny and Mari: A literal witch had to convince him that he was in love. Save yourselves the pain. Also, he’s 40 and she’s 25. We’re not talking about that enough.

Thomas and Becca: Why do I feel like these two kinda work? Probably because they’re both beautiful and I’m predisposed to like tall men.

James and Anna: If Anna had shown up before last week I totally think they could have worked. Next time try the DM’s.

Aaron and Tia: Aaron started a whole ass fight over Chelsea last week but sure, pick Tia.

Ed and Mykenna: When it came to choosing between Mykenna or Natasha it was obvious which way Ed would go. Natasha deserved better men this season.

That means Chelsea and Natasha were sent home single. I know it stings, but you’re really better off in this situation, ladies.

Dean’s Mustache

The next morning Dean Unglert, his mustache, his girlfriend Caelynn Miller-Keyes, and (probably) his van showed up to recite some awkward lines someone else had clearly written for them.

They had the useless job of telling everyone that Paradise is over. I love this journey for them.

Anyway, it was time for the couples to decide whether they’ll go to fantasy suites and possibly get engaged the next day, or break up.

Spoiler alert, most of them will break up.

Thomas Finally Showed Emotion

When it came to making the decision to go to the fantasy suite or to go their separate ways, Becca and Thomas could not have been of further sides of the argument.

Becca was like, “I like you, you’re hot, but you’re not showing me your humanity and I’ve already found toxic love in this franchise twice, so I gotta bounce.”

Thomas was like, “I’m crazy about you. Let’s leave and make freakishly tall children together.”

This one is going to hurt my feelings.

To Thomas’ credit, when Becca made it clear that she didn’t trust him enough to leave with him, he respected her boundary.

Sure, he did so with a shaky voice, tears rolling down his face, and choked back sobs but still, he walked away.

Of course, Becca crossed her own line and chased after him to say that she liked him but, like, not enough to keep dating him. Thanks, Becca that really cleared some things up.

He sobbed into his hands and begged her to let him go.

So, they both let Paradise separately and I was left to ponder how I got talked into being a Thomas stan.

I don’t have to wonder for long though because the entire internet says these two are back together too. What even is this season?

Okay, let’s move on to the fantasy suites where…WAIT. Hold up…as their SUV of shame drove away I realized that it’s literally the same model car that I drive. I…I drive the mom SUV of shame. I need a moment to collect myself.

Break Ups For Everyone

After Thomas and I stopped crying over our SUVs of shame, it was time for everyone else to break up.

First up were Ed and Mykenna who met approximately 13 hours ago and spent half of that time wearing rollerblades. Mykenna was ready to go home but Ed heard “fantasy suite” and tried to shoot his shot. His shot was swatted out of the air.

Then James dumped Anna. She was sad and felt betrayed, but she probably just still had some of that churro sugar in her bits and pieces.

Keeping the Bromance Alive

Instead of getting in my carpool, James went to find his true love, Aaron. He was like, “Bro, I just dumped Anna, let’s leave Paradise together!”

Aaron was like, “Yeah bro, let’s do it. San Diego for life! But wait, I gotta dump Tia’s ass real fast!” And then he ran up to Tia, pulled her like 4 feet away from her friends, and told her he was ditching her.

The two bros shared a car and literally finished each other’s sentences while Tia good-naturedly cursed the Bachelor in Paradise gods as she rolled her suitcase down the beach for the second time in her life.

Fantasy Suites

I’m pretty sure we just witnessed the greatest love story of the season but, there are technically still three couples remaining.

Each of the three last couples got one more dinner date together and an invitation to stay in a fantasy suite without cameras. The boom boom room could never.

On their date, Joe and Serena told one another that they’re in love and then woke next to each other in bed just straight-up glowing like the sun. If it wasn’t so cute I’d hate them.

These two can’t even glance at one another without breaking into giant grins. Even I was smiling and there was still like an hour and a half of this show to watch.

For their last night, Kenny and Mari lived out the continuation of their disturbing taco bar date and boned. Despite their obvious connection, Kenny is still nervous about getting engaged. Basically, that’s because he’s forty and scared that at twenty-five she’s too young to know what she’s committing to. Also, he’s scared of commitment.

Mari was like, “Shut up, I’m excellent at ignoring red flags. Let’s get married!”

Finally, Maurissa and Riley continued on their path of white-hot chemistry mixed in with really sweet confessions of love. I’m obsessed with them.

It was obvious that reality was setting in for Riley because he was starting to panic at the idea of being engaged, but Maurissa remained steady and ready for their future together.

I mean, she wanted that Neil Lane ring on her finger to seal the deal, but still, she’s ready .

Kenny and Mari’s Final Rose

Okay, the platform is set up on the beach. Dean and Caelynn are standing around looking like cult leaders. Kenny is wearing skinny jeans and white sneakers. Mari looks like a literal goddess with her hair styled for the first time all summer.

It’s proposal time. Let’s do this.

Mari spoke first with words of encouragement and love. Then it was Kenny’s turn.

Listen, we all know Kenny isn’t exactly a wordsmith over here, but the words, “I don’t know if it was love at first sight but it was definitely something” came out of his mouth.

Then, suddenly, Kenny was like, “I f**king love you!” and tried to get down on one knee but his pants were too tight so he had to stand up, take the ring box out of his pocket and try again.

He proposed. She said yes. He asked, “it’s big right?” about the ring and then they walked off together.

May these two dumby-dumb-dumbs live a long and happy life together.

Maurissa and Riley Got Steamy

I’ve known since the moment Maurissa sucked whipped cream off of Riley’s toe that I wanted them to have a happily ever after moment. What I didn’t expect was the perspiration.

I don’t know what happened, but there was Riley telling Maurissa that when he sees her he sees the Sunday mornings he has always dreamed of. But all I could dream of was hosing her off. The poor woman was suffering.

Riley was literally pulling out a ring to propose and all I could see was the Amazon River of sweat rolling down Maurissa’s back. It should have been gorgeous and moving and all I could think about was Josh Murray’s see-through wet shirt when he proposed to Amanda.

Couldn’t someone get the poor woman a fan? A palm frond waving near her? A large bird flying overhead? Anything?

Regardless, these two are perfect together and Bachelor Nation finally has its first engaged Black couple of the franchise. It was truly beautiful, yet moist, to watch.

I can almost forgive them for getting my entire TikTok account banned because I posted a picture of their whipped cream date and it violated community guidelines.

WTF, is That Kendall?

Joe was up on that platform ready to get the job done with Serena when who should come walking down the stairs but his ex-Kendall. Again.

I really hope she got paid a bonus for this because no sane person makes this move for anything other than vacation money.

Kendall said some word salad about realizing she came to Paradise to finally end her connection to him, but it was giving real “this could have been an email” vibes.

In the end, she wished him and Serena well and I wished she hadn’t stepped foot on the beach at all.

Imagine your timing being that horrible.

Joe and Serena Give Us Heart Eyes

Finally, it was the moment this season has been building up to from the moment Joe walked onto the beach in his sandals with socks.

Serena and Joe smiled at each other from across the platform and all the stars aligned.

She told him that she loved him.

He told her that his ex just showed up.

She looked shocked but immediately asked if he was okay because that’s how much she cares about him. It was the middle of her proposal story and that was her priority. I love this for him.

Then, with perfect timing, Joe told Serena that she got to say I love you first, but he gets to do this, and he got down on one knee and proposed.

It was just the sweetest.

How does this show talk me into caring about these people’s relationships every single time?

One Last Update

With that, all three hours of the Bachelor in Paradise finale were over. We even got three engaged couples and one bromance to show for our time. I’d call that an even trade.

As the newly engaged lovebirds toasted on the beach a montage of cast updates rolled across the screen.

Turns out that Abigail and Noah are confirmed to be back together.

Thomas and Becca are not only together, but they’re deeply in love.

James and Aaron are roommates in San Diego.

But most importantly, Tahzjuan is willing to come back to the beach again next summer.

We really can’t ask for anything more than that.

What a wild summer it was, but bring on autumn because it’s going to be good. In only two short weeks, Michelle Young’s season will premiere on Tuesday, October 19th. Look out for our fantasy league sign-ups and my unsolicited advice for the new cast in the weeks to come. Love you all like Kendall loves ruining special moments.