The Bachelorette’s Fantasy Suites Week Got Weird

Every season, when it’s finally Fantasy Suite™ week on whatever iteration of The Bachelor is airing, I fight my every instinct to quote American-Gabonese wordsmith Ludacris’ song, “Fantasy.” This is the season I lose the battle.

“Sauna, jacuzzi, in the back row at the movie/You can scratch my back and rule me/You can push me and just pull me/On hay in the middle of the barn, rose petals on the silk sheets/Eating fresh fruits sweep yo woman right off her feet”

Try and tell me that song isn’t a concise recap of every Fantasy Suite™ episode this series has ever shown. I’ll wait.

Let’s Make It Weird For Fantasy Suites Week

I’m old enough to remember when the men who made it to hometown dates never saw another cast member again until it was at a rose ceremony. You know, because the average human can’t handle seeing their girlfriend’s other boyfriends come back from an overnight date. Then Peter Weber’s season lowered our threshold of decency to truly dismal levels. Have fun hanging out at the La Quinta waiting for your turn as Tayshia’s stud-horse, Ivan, Brendan, and Zac.

Chris Harrison arrived with a date card for Ivan who would go on the first fantasy date of the week. Ivan grinned and sighed with relief that he would go first while Zac and Brendan stewed in the awkward. In Zac’s words, “I would let my sister date him, not sure how I feel about my girlfriend.”

Ivan Breaks a Record

We get it, they’re in quarantine, but calling the day time portion of Ivan and Tayshia’s date a “fantasy” is a stretch of the imagination, not even The Bachelorette can pull off. Did they spend the day exploring a castle in Spain? On the beach in Thailand? Nope, they got into ice baths and broke the world record for “World’s Coldest Longest Kiss” while Chris Harrison and beloved security guard, Big Paulie commentated. There was absolutely nothing hot or sexy about this date. I demand better for Ivan.

But wait, there’s more, they spent the night in an airstream. You know, one of those trailers with a double bed shoved in the back between the wheel well and the bathroom. Ivan and Tayshia said they stayed up the entire night talking about everything from religion to life goals. He told her that he’s falling in love with her and she said the same. By the time the sun came up, Ivan was feeling ready to propose.

Then he went back to the hotel lounge and fist-bumped her other boyfriends. Tag team, you’re up Zac!

Zac Goes Exploring

Tayshia and Zac have so much sexual chemistry that it wouldn’t matter if they were in an ice bath, they’d be steaming. Was their date covering themselves in paint and creating art with their half-naked bodies a fantasy? No. Was it somehow still hot as hell? YES. They writhed and rolled across the ground together and then they showered outdoors and, is it hot in here or is it just me? Well, Zac’s face is still covered in sweat so let’s go with both.

That night it was no surprise when Zac told Tayshia that he’s in love with her, but it was a surprise when she said it back with zero hesitation. Tayshia is in love with Zac. Like giggling, giddy, jump on Oprah’s couches, in love. They got an actual fantasy suite with a bed made for grown adults and I have no doubt that they put it to good use.

Brendan is Stressed

If there’s one thing The Bachelorette wants you to know about Brendan it’s that he is divorced and scared to get engaged to Tayshia after such a short amount of time. So it only makes sense that their fantasy date would be trying on wedding bands with Neil Lane. There’s no way this backfires, right?

Brendan’s face got progressively paler and paler with each diamond that Tayshia tried on, but when he tried on a wedding band something broke.

Nice work, guys. Why can’t we have nice things?

At dinner that night, Tayshia didn’t even have a chance to offer Brendan the key to the fantasy suite before things took a turn. Brendan is not ready for love. He told Tayshia that she deserves a man who is complete and healed from his past, but his heart isn’t whole. Tayshia looked heartbroken and told him that she thought it would be him in the end. However, her own experience with divorce has taught her that she doesn’t want to convince a man to love her. They handled a really difficult conversation with maturity and grace. My heart cant take it.

Brendan left in the SUV of shame with what I assume is a plethora of turtlenecks in his luggage, while Tayshia cried. BRB off to slide into his DM’s.

Fantasy Suites Shouldn’t Have This Many Twists

The next morning, Tayshia had a quick brunch date with former bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay to talk over her options. By all accounts, she should be coasting through to the finale since she only has two boyfriends remaining. But all of a sudden she started telling Rachel about her break-up with veteran Ben. We see that foreshadowing, The Bachelorette, and we do not appreciate it.

Knock, knock, it was Ben at the door to tell Tayshia that he’s in love with her and can picture their life together. What, did he see this move work for bougie Bennett earlier in the season and decide to replicate it? Tayshia was pissed. She did not put on her best cleavage dress to cry in over another ex.

The episode ended with Tayshia in the backroom yelling at a producer and Ben sitting awkwardly on her couch. Based on the trailer for tomorrow night’s finale, he’ll be sticking around to make Tayshia more confused and Ivan and Zac furious.

Just how we like them.

I’ll be back tomorrow with my last recap of the season. The last one! How’d we get here? As always, I remain spoiler-free, but I think Tayshia ends up with Zac. Mostly because they can’t keep their hands off of each other. Do you think Ben will last the whole episode tomorrow? Who is Tayshia’s dad warning her about? Let’s talk in the comments.