The last time I sat through something that was three hours long without falling asleep it was 1997 and Kate Winslet was murdering Leonardo DiCaprio because she was too selfish to share the door. Then The Bachelor premiere happened on Monday night and broke my record. Three hours of Bachelor Peter Weber (28), avoiding pilot puns and windmill references from increasingly more attractive women in formal gowns? I was riveted.
The Bachelor premiere was everything we needed to start 2020.
The Bachelor Peter is here for the “right reasons”
The story The Bachelor wants to tell this season is that Peter Weber is a family man who is here for the right reasons. New season, same story. Sure he keeps an arsenal of condoms in the console of his sports car, had sex four times in a Greek windmill with Hannah Brown and he has an IMDB page from his childhood acting career, but love is the priority. What other reason could there be?
With that in mind, The Bachelor chose to introduce his first potential life partner, Alexa (27), by showing her wax a client’s bits and pieces 13 short minutes into the episode. Romance is alive.
The windmill jokes came fast
Speaking of bits and pieces, there was no shortage of sex jokes and innuendos in the limo entrances. There were the expected “four times!” exclamations made in both english (Payton, 23) and in Vietnamese (Jasmine, 25) that made our eyes roll. Props were utilized with middling success by Deandra (25) who showed up in a windmill costume and Kylie (26) who pulled out a line of condoms. But it was Katrina (28) who gave me a full body cringe when she offered to introduce Peter to her “hairless – awkward pause – pussy – even more awkward pause – cat”. Then she turned around a framed photo of her real life hairless cat. I was nearly recovered from my shock and positive that things couldn’t possibly get worse when Victoria F. (25) told Peter that the only thing dry about her is her sense of humor. Make it stop.
Ready for take-off
While the sex jokes were in poor taste, at least they kept our attention. Unlike the airplane/pilot/flying jokes which nearly killed me with boredom. It’s bad enough that Peter was wearing airplane cufflinks, did Eunice (23), one of three flight attendants on this season, really need to say say she was “here for the flight reasons”? It got worse, Madison (23) rode in on a giant paper airplane. Shiann (27) offered Peter a barf bag for his nerves. Tammy (24) handcuffed him like a TSA agent and then kissed him without the use of his hands or consent. But the real winner was Kiarra (23) who arrived folded inside a piece of luggage. No, she was literally folded inside a zippered bag and popped out after a dramatic commercial break like a stowaway contortionist. Someone get that girl a contract with Away luggage now.
Rose Ceremony already
There were a few good intros like the letter Alayah (24) brought for Peter from her grandmother and Lexi (26) who arrived in a cool classic car and perfect red hair. But the real star of the first cocktail party was Hannah Ann (23) who made all of the other women mad by kissing Peter and “stealing” him at every turn, but she got the first impression rose so the jokes on them. In the end, Kylie with the condoms, Katrina’s hairless cat and Maurissa (23) went home before they even had the chance to unpack their hair extensions. Congratulations ladies, you lasted just long enough for everyone in your life to stop taking you seriously but not long enough to make it worth it by locking in a spot on Bachelor in Paradise.
Bachelor Group date 1 is now boarding
I know, I thought The Bachelor premiere would be over by this point too, but January is a slow month for network TV so we are going to roll with it. The first group date of the season went to 9 women who I’m not going to waste any of our time naming. Suffice it to say they are all gorgeous, have a median age of 13 and look amazing in a flight suit. Good thing, because this date was aviation themed.
Kelley (27) won one-on-one time flying with Peter and the date rose by cheating through the obstacle course. But that’s burying the lede a bit, because she was already a front-runner thanks to a chance meeting she and Peter had in the lobby of an LA hotel only a month before this episode filmed. Oh, and that LA hotel? It just so happens to be the location of the group date afterparty. God, I love The Bachelor so much.
Madison meets the parents
There’s a reason I’m the resident Bachelor expert here at The Cool Table and it’s not just because I’m the only one willing to watch this show. I placed Madison in my top two based solely on her cast bio and then she got the first one-on-one date of the season. This was a big one. Peter took Madison (23) to his family home where his parents were having a vow renewal ceremony. Peter and Barbara are the cutest Bachelor parents to ever grace us with their presence, but Madison and Peter looked like love could be in their future as well. He could do worse than an accomplished collegiate athlete who works with foster children and has eyes like a LOL doll.
Hannah Brown ruins everything
If you saw any promos from this season of The Bachelor you knew to expect a few cameos from bachelorette Hannah Brown. Hannah, of course, famously dumped Peter last season but went on to end her reign as Bachelorette broken-hearted. Somehow in-between starring in, and winning, Dancing with the Stars Hannah found time to crash Peter’s limo arrivals and his second group date. I’m not sure how the producers were able to talk her into telling the windmill story on a stage in front of Peter and 9 of his new girlfriends, but they deserve a raise.
The other women felt awkward, Peter was triggered and Hannah was shattered. She sat in a side room with mascara streaming down her face while Peter asked her if she regretted letting him go and if she’d ever consider giving him another chance. WHILE HE’S THE CURRENT BACHELOR. Guys, I’m gonna need some more details about what happened in that windmill because apparently Hannah and Peter are magic together. The Bachelor premiere ended with that question left unanswered and me still fully awake after three hours. How has this show never won any Emmys?
My top picks, no spoilers
To be honest, after this episode I think my pick to “win” the season is Hannah Brown. Legit, stop the show, let the man leave with the woman he loves. But since that’s not fun for the rest of us, my current top four are first rose recipient Hannah Ann (who happens to be IRL friends with Hannah G.), Madison from the one-on-one date, Kelley from the LA hotel lobby, and Victoria P. (27) the gorgeous nurse who puked on a flight simulator but is so pretty it’s stupid.
The Bachelor returns Monday, January 24th for a more reasonable two hour episode. Do you think Hannah will join Peter’s cast? Who are your top picks? Who do you think the villain is going to be this season? Will Peter move out of his parent’s house before the end of the season? Do you think Tyler Cameron thinks about me as often as I think about him? Let’s talk in the comments.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.