The Bachelor Recap: How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?
Forget flowers and chocolate, give me what every woman wants for Valentine’s Day: back-to-back nights of Joey Graziadei being hot while he dumps some of his 15 girlfriends and abandons them in cities strewn across Europe.
The little cupids over at The Bachelor gave us not one episode this week, but two, starting on Monday night in Malta and ending on Tuesday night in Spain with a whole lot of romance and heartbreak in between.
I’m really feeling the love.
Grab your passports and my hand
I’ve watched approximately 45,014 episodes of The Bachelor over the past 9 years that I have been recapping this show. However, Monday night was the first time I watched it with my kids.
I’m a changed woman.
You’ve never truly enjoyed an episode of The Bachelor until you hear an 11-year-old boy comment, “These women need higher standards,” during a group date.
The first episode of the week opened with the women exclaiming in awe of their hotel suite in Malta (the budget is budgeting) but all I heard was, “Why are they so excited about a suite? Didn’t they have a mansion?”.
It was the best viewing experience of my life.
Lexi and Joey in Malta
Joey picked Lexi (30, Atlanta, Digital Strategist) for the first one-on-one date in Malta. Sadly for her (and us) it was the dreaded “walk around town and talk to the locals” date.
I know everyone pretends to like the “normal” dates, but no one goes on The Bachelor for normal. Give me yachts and helicopters or give me a death.
Lexi and Joey explored the town and played games with the locals, before ending up in a church that reminded her of her grandpa who was a painter. She got emotional thinking of him, but when a priest started making small talk with them about their future children being named after the church, it was clear she had a sad backstory™ to share.
At dinner that evening, she told Joey that she previously had stage 5 Endometriosis that may or may not have ruined her chances of having children. Apparently the idea that she may not be able to have biological children is what caused her ex to dump her.
Someone send me his phone number. My kids and I just want to have a talk.
Joey is not an asshole, so he told her that it “doesn’t scare him” and gave her the date rose.
Sword fighting and Sausages
Monday night’s group date took 12 women (Jenn, Daisy, Edwina, Katelyn, Allison, Rachel, Autumn, Kelsey T., Jess, Madina, Lea, and Kelsey A.) dressed up in medieval knight costumes to the fort where they filmed Game of Thrones.
It’s not an episode of The Bachelor until someone is in an embarrassing costume but, hey, at least we got to see Joey shirtless.
He made some self-conscious comments about being a “fun-size” Bachelor but the emphasis is definitely on the fun. I love him.
Okay, so they did some sword fighting as expected, but the real entertainment started when they played a game that knights supposedly used to play.
You guys, they tied phallic sausages and cheese to the top of a maypole that they spun in circles while they women tried to catch one in their mouths.
Right about then is when on of my kids asked, “Why is this show making them get hit in the face with sausages? Is it for the reason I think?”.
Yes, yes it is.
Autumn won extra time with Joey because she went hard on the sausages. All I kept thinking about was what her breath must smell like after all that.
That evening Joey deepened his connections with several of the woman at the cocktail party. He’s really feeling Kelsey A., and Daisy (they even named their future children during their conversation).
However, it was Kelsey T. who really stole the night and his attention by telling him that her love language is action.
Ultimately, she got the action and reassurance she desired when he gave her the date rose.
Two enter but only one leaves
Sydney thinks Maria is the devil. Maria thinks Sydney is certifiably insane.
Obviously we need to put them alone on a boat in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea.
Two-on-one dates are my life force, and this one was particularly good because there is such a clear villain.
Sydney.
Either they’ve editing this season to like Scorcese to make Maria look good or Sydney is a liar.
They’ve never shown her curse at anyone. We haven’t seen her be a bully. Literally the only thing we’ve seen is Maria directly addressing the drama and being stressed out.
Could they be hiding all of the footage in order to make Maria look good? I guess, but they usually let it all hang out on this show.
Our boy Joey is just as confused as we are, but he quickly realized that he wasn’t ever going to get the whole truth.
He’s just going to have to go with his gut, and his gut really likes Maria.
Sydney was sent home to her cats and Bachelor nation rejoiced.
In her final moments she looked into the camera and said “Maria sucks.”
Joey and Maria blissfully danced while an opera singer serenaded them with Ave Maria.
Meanwhile the rest of the women watched with half horror and half glee as Sydney’s suitcase was removed from the hotel.
Cliffhanger at the Cocktail Party
Phew, Sydney is off with her cats and the drama is behind us. Let’s have a cocktail par- wait…no…what is Lea doing?
Lea (first impression rose/burned her advantage night one) has decided that no one is sad enough about Sydney leaving. She’s especially upset that Madina is being nice to Maria since Sydney was Madina’s “best friend.”
Woman, you’ve known these people for 13 minutes.
Unfortunately, Lea hasn’t had access to the internet, her friends, or her family for weeks now, so her grasp on reality is not grasping.
She confronted Madina about her disloyalty, saying that she holds her friends to a high standard and that her values and morals are different than Madina’s.
Madina-who is 31 to Lea’s 23-was like, okay, cool. You do you, boo.
Lea went on to tell Joey that she was disappointed in his decision to keep Maria because (I’m paraphrasing here) she hates her.
Show us the footage! What did this woman do?!
Of course, Maria was soon filled in on what had happened which caused her to spiral. Maria does not want to be part of this narrative. In fact, she was so upset that she was being dragged into drama again that Monday night’s episode ended with her sobbing begging to go home.
I hate a cliffhanger.
Aaaaand we’re back
Two hours of The Bachelor per week is apparently not enough so we started right back where we left off at the rose ceremony on Tuesday night.
Maria is still upset. Lea still hates her. Joey is still just there for the vibes.
When the rose ceremony began there were only 14 women left in the season and 3 of them (Kelsey T., Maria, and Lexi) already have roses. Maria, who is fueled by spite at this point, decided to stay on the show after all.
Joey began handing out the roses one by one until he was down to one rose and three women.
Edwina, Allison, and newly minted villain Lea were staring at him like their future branding deals were on the line, but this season still has way too many episodes to fill, so the rose was going to Lea.
Maria should just tattoo a target onto her back.
Tripping not falling
After a quick commercial break, it was a new day and a new country with Joey arriving on a vespa to greet his 12 remaining girlfriends in beautiful Andalusia, Spain.
He drank a couple sips of Sangria and then whisked Kelsey A. (25, New Orleans, Junior Project Manager) off on a one-on-one date exploring the town.
This show has never seen an outdoor market it hasn’t wanted to explore.
That night, Kelsey A. tearfully shared with Joey that her mom passed from breast cancer 10 years ago, but she feels like she would support her decision to go on The Bachelor.
She was drop dead gorgeous and crying, so Joey was putty in her hands. She got the date rose and quipped that she’s no longer tripping into love, she’s falling.
Everyone hates a group date
They’ve all spent approximately 15 consecutive minutes with Joey by now, so these women are beginning to have real feelings for him and real hatred for one another. The thought of being stuck on yet another group date sounds like torture.
Too bad, Lexi, Daisy, Jenn, Autumn, Maria, Katelyn, Lea, Madina, Jess, and Kelsey T., you’re meeting an artist named Paola and painting a picture that represents your feelings for Joey.
Maria drew a picture of storm clouds over a boat to represent her feud with Sydney.
Kelsey T. painted half of a heart with a rainbow coming out of it that Joey thought was an elephant.
Lea painted some hibiscus flowers in between talking sh*t about Maria.
Jess drew two wedding rings.
You get the idea.
Jess won because she was “clear about what she wants at the end of this” so she got the illustrious prize of…making out with Joey in a bathing suit while covered in paint.
Hot?
At the after party that night, the pressure was on because Joey made it clear that it was time to put your feelings on the line or get sent home.
He had a couple of great conversations, but the most significant was with no other than, you guessed it, Maria.
Maria was able to shared her sad backstory™ about a horrible car accident that ruined the trajectory of her mother’s life. She was predominantly raised by her dad while her mom struggled with depression and was absent from her life.
Vulnerability from hot women is Joey’s kryptonite so she got the date rose.
Lea was PISSED.
Someone, anyone, put me out of my misery or end this storyline. I’m begging you.
These boots are made for walking
The last date of the week was flamenco dancing lessons with Rachel (26, Honolulu, ICU Nurse) who has always dreamed of going on a date in Spain.
Haven’t we all?
Rachel is great, and I think she and Joey have a real connection despite being a self-described “slow-burn”, but I have to admit that I could barely watch this segment.
The moment Joey put on some high heels flamenco boots with his shorts I was done.
It was giving toddler in their mom’s shoes.
It was giving slay queen.
It was maybe the funniest thing to happen this season and we just got done watching them get hit in the face with sausages.
Obviously, Rachel got the date rose that night after she shared that her past relationships haven’t worked out because dating a nurse is hard.
Joey just likes everyone, doesn’t he?
Maria can’t catch a break
Finally, it was time for the last cocktail party of the week. I bet you’ll never guess who they spent the whole time talking?
JK of course it’s Maria.
She has these women in a chokehold.
Basically, Jess (got the first kiss on night one but has fizzled out since then) was furious that Maria spent time with Joey at the cocktail party even though she already had a rose.
Jess was basically foaming at the mouth at this perceived disrespect. Meanwhile, she’s the same woman who “stole” Joey multiple times on night one.
At the end of the day, Joey either likes you by now, or he doesn’t. Someone else talking to him is not “ruining your chances.”
Maria was like, “stay mad.” I love her.
And then there were ten
At the final Rose Ceremony of the week, Maria, Rachel, and Kelsey A. were all safe with date roses. Only seven more roses would be given out, so two women would be sent home.
Jenn, Kelsey T., Daisy, Lea, Lexi, and Katelyn got roses one through six.
The final rose was either going to sausage face Autumn, elderly Madina, or mad at Maria Jess.
Obviously it went to Jess.
Maria can’t catch a break to save her life.
Next week, Joey and his top ten head to Montreal where Canadian Maria will be on her home turf.
