The Bachelor recap: 18 Women , 1 Joey

What do you call Joey, 18 women who want his validation, and an undercurrent of mild rage and insecurity walking into a pool party?

Oh, that’s just the third episode of The Bachelor.

What could possibly go wrong?

Mrs. Right Now

This week’s episode of Joey’s foray as The Bachelor started off with the group date everyone dreads.

You know, a pageant show in front of a live audience being judged by four members of the AARP.

Nine women (Edwina, Kesley A., Lexi, Allison, Madina, Chrissa, Lea, Sydney, and Maria) had the dishonor of showcasing a talent, answering a question from the judges, and showing off their “lazy Sunday” outfits.

Of course, Nancy, Kathy, Susan, and April (the rejected stars of The Golden Bachelor) would be judging.

The lazy Sunday portion of the night had all of the women in matching gray bathrobes over pajama sets of varying degrees of sexiness.

The Q&A portion forced the women to answer questions about their imaginary sex-lives with Joey.

The talent portion had these women doing cartwheels and writing songs that I could only watch through the cracks of the fingers covering my eyes in embarrassment.

Then there was Lexi who claimed her talent was being the world’s best kisser. She proved it to Joey with an intense kiss centerstage while the other women gagged.

Obviously, she won the pageant for “sticking her tongue down his throat” “going out of her comfort zone.”

Bullies at the After Party

That night, the same 9 women met up at the after party for the only part of their group date where they actually get to speak to Joey.

They spent it complaining about Lexi cheating to win the make believe pageant they had just competed in.

Ladies, this is The Bachelor, there are no rules.

Regardless, Joey had to spend a small portion of each conversation convincing the women that Lexi won because she had been brave, not because she kissed the life out of him and made him see god.

Sure, Joey, we all believe that.

The night wouldn’t have been complete without Joey asking Madina some producer fed questions about the drama from last week. This was in reference to Maria thinking it was dumb for Madina to feel insecure about her age. Surprisingly, Madina refused to name names, but said she did feel bullied.

In the end, the date rose went to Kelsey A. who Joey feels an “crazy connection” with, but not before he left the women with a warning about bullying in the house.

He walked out and Maria was like “WTF? Was he talking about me??” Madina explained that she didn’t call her a bully, and that she had no beef.

Then Sydney, who was once again in no way involved with the drama, pulled out her metaphorical Burn Book and was like, “You’re a skanky ass cow, and I curse the mother who birthed you.”

JK, she called her a bully, but the rest was implied.

Then Sydney said she was removing herself from the narrative, walked out of the room, and left Maria and everyone else flabbergasted at her gall.

Finally, something fun is happening this season.

Jenn + Joey

The only one-on-one date of the week went to Jenn. Jenn is a 25-year-old from Miami who put off Physician Assistant’s school to go on the show. We haven’t seen much of her up until this date, but she made up for it at rapid speed.

They spent the day flirting while Joey gave her surfing lessons in the frigid Pacific Ocean.

People, we have never had a Bachelor with this much game. This much je ne sais quoi.  This much rizz as the kids say.

I cannot adequately express just how good Joey is at being the Bachelor.

The man could have chemistry with a rock.

Fortunately, Jenn is not a rock, she’s wonderful and fully deserving of his attention.

At dinner that night, she told him about her parent’s volatile relationship which gave her a skewed view of her ability to be wanted.

Then, Joey proved that he wanted her by offering her the date rose via a…drone show?

IDK it was weird, but the budget is budgeting.

More Tennis

The remaining 8 women (Katelyn, Autumn, Rachel, Daisy, Evalin, Kelsey T., Starr, and Jess) went on the last date of the week which was…of course…a doubles tennis match.

The man plays tennis. We get it.

At least this time they had to wear costumes while professional Tennis legends James Blake and Pam Shriver watched in horror.

They had these women dressed up as babies, a hot dog and bun, a bee and hive, and lobster and butter while they played a doubles tournament in front of a live audience.

Lobster and butter (Evalin and Kelsey T.) won, but it had absolutely no prize.

That night, Joey had a drama free after party where he connected with each of the women (literally, when Rachel’s earring got caught on his sweater).

In the end, the date rose went to Katelyn who is trying to break her family curse of only having single women.

Cocktail Party Pool Party

You guys are never going to believe who was sponsoring the pool party that replaced the usual cocktail party this week.

No, truly, never.

It was KFC.

That was so weird, that I wasn’t at all surprised that the rest of the day was ruined by Sydney bringing up the Maria drama to Joey.

She told him that Maria was verbally abusive. She said Maria called her “embarrassing, weird, and dumb.”

Absolutely none of which was shown in any episode thus far.

Joey was thrown off because he likes Maria, but he would never pursue a relationship with a mean girl.

Naturally, he approached Maria with the information he was given. She responded calmly that she has never bullied, she does not stand by bulling, and that if he likes someone like Sydney, he could never like someone like her.

Joey left the KFC party feeling confused but no more confused than I was.

What is Sydney talking about? Maria is blunt and unpolished, but she hasn’t bullied Sydney on screen at any point.

At this point the editing has either left out a huge chunk of the story or Sydney is a liar.

Rose Ceremony

There were 12 roses to hand out that night at the Rose Ceremony. Jenn, Katelyn, and Kelsey A. already had roses from their dates, so 3 women would be sent home.

Clearly, the only reason to watch the rest of the episode was to find out if Joey would chose Maria or Sydney.

Joey handed out the roses to Lexi, Lea, Kelsey T., Rachel, Madina, Daisy, Jess, Edwina, Autumn, and Allison.

There were only 2 roses to go and 5 women remaining.

The second to last rose went to Maria.

The final rose went to none other than Sydney.

Starr, Chrissa, and Evalin were sent home.

The stupidest feud of all time lives on.

Next week, The Bachelor will have new episodes on Monday and Tuesday night. It looks like travel will begin and Maria and Sydney will get the infamous two-on-one date.