Michelle Young Did Not Come to Play On The Bachelorette Premiere

ABC/Craig Sjodin

Heidi

Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions…

I hope you all enjoyed that two-week reprieve from all things Bachelor nation because Michelle Young’s Bachelorette premiere is here and they just sucked me in like my stomach the first time I tried on real jeans after lockdown.

Seriously, this is the fourth Bachelor franchise to air this year. How are we not sick of it yet? At this point, Bachelor SZN lasts longer than the MLB. Michelle’s season is basically our playoffs.

It’s like the producers over in the godforsaken lair where they plan Bachelor seasons heard that all the world needs now is love and decided to quadruple down.

I don’t hate it.

Here Comes Michelle

I already did a deep dive into everything that makes Michelle (28) the perfect Bachelorette, but if you missed it, it’s not just her snatched body and perfect face. It’s her whole vibe.

Yes, her biceps could make Michelle Obama cry with jealousy, but it’s her confident, secure, kind personality that seals the deal.

You can tell that Michelle knows herself and there’s nothing more enticing than that.

She also knows how to control an entire classroom of fifth graders so The Bachelorette should be a breeze.

They showed the requisite shots of her looking gorgeous in a bathing suit, but more importantly, Michelle reintroduced us to her parents back home in Minnesota. She has a Black dad and a white mom who gave her an idyllic childhood. All they want is for her to be happy.

Oh and if my husband doesn’t look at me the way Ephraim looked at LaVonne after 33 years of marriage, words will be said.

Michelle wants a love like theirs and if one of these idiots who are about to get out of the limos hurts her I will riot.

Tayshia and Kaitlyn Are Bored Already

Do you remember the show Room Raiders on early 2000’s MTV where they would essentially kidnap three people and then let their prospective suitor go through their room with a blacklight before picking their date?

That’s what co-hosts Tayshia and Kaitlyn did to some of Michelle’s men.

Let’s be clear, this was only a vehicle to get to some tea that the producers very obviously wanted to spill but it was piping hot.

They wasted a little bit of time in a couple of men’s rooms but it was all about Ryan the raisin farmer who had literal file folders filled with information about how to win The Bachelorette.

Was this heavy foreshadowing? Yes.

Did I want to inject it into my veins? Also, yes.

Time to Meet Some Dudes

After they were done snooping through the men’s rooms, Tayshia and Kaitlyn hid in the bushes to watch Michelle meet her 30 new boyfriends. And people tried to tell me real-life wasn’t like middle school sleepovers.

Michelle stood in a perfect golden gown on the steps of the Renaissance Esmeralda and Spa in Indian Wells waiting for her life to change.

The driveway wasn’t wet but it’s the middle of July in the California desert so everyone’s faces are.

Time to watch some grown men embarrass themselves.

Top Intros From Michelle Young’s Bachelorette Premiere

Chris S. (28, Commodities Broker) arrived on a school bus dressed like Prince George in shorts and long socks. Then he made some jokes about giving her the “D” to which she replied “detention?”

Jack (30, Former Army Officer) showed up in a white dinner jacket and told Michelle that his full name is Jack Russell. Like the dog breed. He then took it a step further and said, “I’m playful and ready to play tug of war for your heart.” Woof.

Clayton (28, Medical Sales Rep) is a good ol’ boy from Missouri whose mom teaches special education. That made it all the more awkward when he pulled out a yardstick from behind his back for Michelle to spank him with. I can’t imagine why teacher jokes about corporal punishment didn’t land.

Chris G. (28, Motivational Speaker) came all the way from Novia Scotia to perform slam poetry. It wasn’t bad, but why do I get the feeling that when he says he’s a motivational speaker to kids for a non-profit that he’s driving school to school getting kids to sell wrapping paper as a school fundraiser in exchange for yo-yos?

Did every school have a traveling yo-yo master who would convince you to sell wrapping paper or was that a unique experience of mine?

Brandon K. (29, Brand Manager) offered her mardi gras beads but said she’d have to earn them while holding his hands out under her chest. He meant to say that she had to earn them with her…heart, but he had way too long of a pause and everything got awkward.

LT (38, Yoga Guru) arrived in a suit on top and a tuxedo print speedo on the bottom. To be fair, this is not the most embarrassing thing an Eastwood has done.

Rick (32, Medical Sale Rep) arrived on a silver platter. No, like, he hid his body under a rolling table covered in a table cloth and then put his head on a plate covered in a lid so that she pulled it off his face was just staring at her. Then he had the audacity to call himself the main course while his cheek rested on a bed of lettuce. He kinda looks like a skinny Henry Cavill if you squint though so he’ll be fine.

Ryan (30, Environmental Consultant) Drove up in an ice cream truck because Michelle apparently loves ice cream. He knows this because he has that entire dossier about her in his room that Tayshia and Kaitlyn found.

Rodney (29, Sales Rep) wore a red apple costume without an undershirt because he wanted to be “the apple of her eye.” Michelle called him her “healthy little snack.”

Brandon J. (26, Traveling Nurse Recruiter) rolled up the driveway on a bed covered in a red plaid bedspread. He convinced Michelle to lay on it with him so she could see what it would be like to wake up to him every morning. I’d become nocturnal.

JoMarri (26, Personal Trainer) ripped the sleeves of his suit jacket off for reasons I couldn’t understand until I re-read his job title.

Daniel (26, Firefighter) arrived in his fire fighting gear on one of those tiny toy firetrucks that toddlers ride. It was cute until…

PJ (30, Firefighter) arrived in an actual firetruck wearing a suit and looking like actual fire. Bad break, Daniel.

Joe Needs To Check His DMs

The last man to arrive was Joe (28, Real Estate Developer). As soon as he exited the limo the music dropped out and I sat up to pay attention. Their introduction seemed pretty normal but then, as he was walking away, Michelle said, “Have I slid into your DMS? Is your last name Coleman?”

It turns out that Joe, who is also from Minnesota, ghosted Michelle after exchanging some flirty DMs two summers ago.

Nuh, uh. Not today, Joe. I don’t care how stupid hot you are, no one ghosts my girl.

And you are stupid hot…you really are.

I Hate Small Talk

So far Michelle is great at her job as Bachelorette. She greeted each of them with the perfect amount of flirtation and encouragement to get them comfortable, but enough of an edge to show she’s not going to be disrespected.

I don’t want to jinx it, but I have a good feeling about this season.

With all of the men gathered and sufficiently terrified, she walked down a staircase in the resort that looked like something out of a Carnival Cruise ship or a Cheesecake Factory and told the men that she wants them to be “open, vulnerable, and authentic.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah, more Joe, please.

Thanks, More Joe Just Like I Ordered

Michelle ate a cannoli with Peter and pretended to like Rick on the salad plate, but the real fun came when she finally confronted Joe.

Joe told her that at the time when they were exchanging DMs he owned property near George Floyd square and all of the anxiety and emotional trauma of that time made him unprepared for a relationship.

Michelle was like, hey I get that but all you had to do was tell me. I’m a perfectly reasonable human being, you didn’t need to be a dick about it. (Paraphrased but you get the gist.)

He told her that she was right and that since that time he has been to therapy and done the work to better himself. Michelle was impressed with his vulnerability, but her guard was still up when they ended the conversation because the timing is odd. What, he suddenly wants to be with her on TV when he could have messaged her at any time? It’s sus.

But Joe is super hot, so we all know he’s going to get a rose. Stop playing.

Tayshia and Kaitlyn Ruin Ryan’s Day

Michelle spent a short date with Ryan the over-prepared Bachelor fan out by his ice cream truck and things went really well. He told her that he’s a coach for the Special Olympics and she liked that he knew so much about her.

Well, she liked that until Kaitlyn and Tayshia told her about his Kaplan Prep Course in everything Bachelor.

Michelle confronted Ryan about his super-secret plan to take over the show by feeding her ice cream and he denied the whole thing.

He said that his friend’s wife wrote up some information for him because he didn’t know anything about The Bachelorette. Oh, and he took copious notes while watching her on Matt James’ season.

Oh, and it also came out online that he was one of the Bachelor Live contestants. But you know, he knows nothing.

Michelle took him to his room and then read every page with true teacher caught you plagiarizing vibes.

Then she kicked him out.

I personally don’t care if you come prepared to win this very ridiculous television show. I’m just offended by how inept he was at it.

First Impression Rose

Now that all of the fun is over, it’s time to let Michelle catch feelings.

And she caught a whole bunch of them for Nayte (27, Sales Executive) right from the beginning.

Nayte was the first man out of the limos for the night and they immediately clicked. He told her that he was rambling and she said, “you take all the time you need” like she was slurping up every syllable. It was hot.

In further conversations, Michelle and Nayte realized that they have more than physical chemistry. He was willing to be vulnerable with her about never having a good example of a healthy marriage at home. He has never seen his parents kiss, but he wants that for his future family someday.

Plus, he’s also biracial, has a mother who is a teacher, and has two nose piercings that really work for him.

He got the first impression rose for his vulnerability and general hotness.

I have a feeling I’ll be referencing these two as “mom and dad” at some point in the season. I’m predictable like that.

Rose Before Bros

Since Ryan had to drive his ice cream truck off the lot in shame; there were only 29 men remaining when the rose ceremony began.

Michelle handed out the roses in the following order (which will look like nothing but alphabet soup to you but I paid really close attention this time and I’m proud):

Jamie, Leroy, Martin, Spencer, Rick, Clayton, Peter, PJ, Mollique, Romeo, Daniel, Brandon J., Will, Chris S., Rodney, Alec, Pardeep, Christopher G., Casey, Olu, LT…

*Commercial break for dramatic pause*

And then Joe got the final rose because of, like I said, his face.

That meant, Jack Russell (like the dog), JoMarri (sleeveless suit), Brandon K. (unfortunate Mardi Gras faux pas), Bryan, Edward, Garrett, and Alec were sent home with international super-spy Ryan on night one.

It must sting when the man who arrived on a salad plate gets a rose and you don’t. Just saying.