I like big Pharma, and if there is a pill for something, I will take it.
But if I were inclined to buy tinctures or homeopathic cures for my ailments, I would look to the premier website of weird wellness: Goop.
If I were living in 1760s North Carolina*, I would look to the premier White Witch of the Ridge: Claire Fraser.
*Jk. I’m a near-sighted, asthmatic mother with a uterus shaped like a mail-slot. I’d be dead.
Goop calls itself a “modern lifestyle brand,” but Claire was working her “old fashioned herbcraft” long before Gwyneth answered the question, “What’s in the box?” with “A jade egg.”
Claire Fraser is the original Goop. Anything Goop sells, Claire was into it first.
Claire wears Otter Tooth’s opal around her neck. According to my gem lady, an opal stone will protect you from negative energy. Unfortunately, Claire doesn’t clear the bad energy with selenite or sea salt before she hangs it around her neck, which explains why trouble keeps finding her.
You can buy a Goop Pink Opal Foundation Necklace for $5,800. According to the ad copy, “If there was ever an everyday amulet for the 21st century, this would be it.”
All Natural Toothbrushes
Claire understands the importance of brusha-brusha-brusha (h/t Grease). She passes this knowledge on to Jamie, because dental health is HEALTH and she likes a man who can masticate. With a little ingenuity, Claire makes her own toothbrushes, BPA-free and biodegradable.
He turned to pick up a frayed willow twig from the washstand, and began to clean his teeth. – Voyager
Goop sells a bamboo toothbrush, that is also BPA-free and biodegradable. $8 each.
Claire’s Body Balm
After Jamie washes his hands with lye soap to get rid of poison ivy residue, Claire rubs her special balm into his cracked knuckles. Also safe for the honeypot!
Goop is selling a Boundless Solid Oil, “made with rejuvenating ingredients like amla berry (found in India and a source of vitamin C), tangerine oil, geranium and lavender essential oils, and evening primrose.” It melts right into the skin and will run you $88 for 1.7 oz.
In the first book, Claire begins to fall in love with Jamie as he handles the Castle Leoch horses and their hay.
The Goop EDITION 04 – ORCHARD scent is “a perfume of sun-warmed apricot, fresh hay, and dry earth, this mystical perfume inhabits the quiet heat of summer afternoons.” Get that “your ass is grass” scent for $165.
Claire isn’t always on the Ridge or at an inn for her ablutions, and she has taken many a bath in a freezing cold stream or a salty tidal creek. Sand is a great exfoliator, and frigid water tightens the pores — and nipples.
I waded in up to mid-thigh. After the staggering heat of the day and the smothering embrace of the night, the sensation of coolness on bare skin was an overwhelming relief. I cupped handfuls of cold water and splashed them on my face and breast.
I had no soap, but knelt and rinsed my hair over and over in the clear dark water, and scrubbed my body with handfuls of fine sand, until my skin felt tingling and glowing. – The Drums of Autumn
If you don’t have time to shower, but still want to smell like you have bathed in a forest, try Goop’s Grove Essential Oil Blend for a “woodsy mix of pine, spruce, fir, and cedarwood … This essential oil blend might call you back to hiking trips, summer camp, or last year’s backyard marshmallow roasts.” $26 for 0.5 oz. S’mores not included.
Claire is a big fan of willow bark, especially as an analgesic. After Jamie is bitten by a snake and starts to develop sepsis in his leg, she rummages in a panic around her surgery.
A jar of dried red wintergreen berries. Extract of pipsisswea. Slippery elm bark. Willow bark, cherry bark, fleabane, yarrow…I began to make a list of the herbs I had on hand, and under each name, all the uses I knew for that herb–whether I had ever made use of it or not. – The Fiery Cross
While willow bark is good for pain, Goop is selling the extract in the Clear Nutrient Toner. “Black willow bark extract, a natural source of salicylic acid, cleanses and refines, while live-leaf extract and sandalwood calm and help prevent future breakouts.” 4 oz for $48. You can get 8 oz of Mario Bedescu Glycolic Toner for $18, but if you want to waste money on what is basically water, go ahead.
Outlander premiers on Starz February 16th. The Goop Lab premiers on Netflix February January 24th.
Amy takes pride in being a grumpy optimist. Want to talk sports ball? Amy is your girl. Her favorite New York Times crossword puzzle day is Tuesday. If your book is set in the former Soviet Union or World War 2, Amy will read it. As a recovered Southern Baptist, she is raising her daughter to be happy.