Bachelor Joey Already Has These Women Fighting Over Him

Heidi

Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions…

On Monday night, Bachelor Joey returned for his second episode as the hottest Bachelor we’ve had in years. Savor it, everyone. We earned this.

The drought was long, but we stayed thirsty.

Love/Tennis Lessons

The episode opened with Joey giving host, Jesse Palmer, a tennis lesson. For some reason, the show has really doubled down on this man’s career. I don’t remember Zachary Shallcross giving software sales lessons last season. Then again, you won’t hear me complain about seeing Joey in shorts and a polo with his arms rippling in a backhand swing.

Have I mentioned he’s hot?

Jesse tried to explain it by saying something about Joey’s ability to teach tennis translating to being a great communicator in relationships, but no one pays attention to anything Jesse says anyway.

Show us the women fighting over bunkbeds.

Here Comes the Brides

Once Joey’s 22 temporary girlfriends got settled into their twin size bunks and shared bathrooms, Jesse arrived with the first date card of the season.

There would be three dates this week, two group dates, and one one-on-one date.

The ~~victims~~ lucky women were:

Rachel (Hawaiian ICU nurse)
Kelsey T. (played Miss Jamaica in the Barbie movie)
Lexi (has blue eyes Billie Eilish would sing about)
Evalin (looks like Janelle Monáe)
Erika (has never been to a wedding before),
Maria (funny but slightly unhinged)
Lauren (Allison’s older sister)
Jess (kissed Joey first and told everyone)
Taylor (hates Jess)

Joey and his nine dates dressed up in wedding clothes to attend their wedding reception. Jesse Palmer played the role of best man, introducing them to the extras filling in as guests as “Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. Graziadei.”

We are only two episodes into this season and Bachelor Joey already has half of his future ex-girlfriends in wedding dresses. This is what the suffragettes fought for.

Obviously, no fake plural marriage wedding reception is complete without a rousing game of musical chairs in which the brides fight over the seats next to their groom. They had these women running around the head table.

Ridiculous as it is, time with Joey is at a premium, so the women took this opportunity seriously. So seriously that when the music stopped, Evalin launched herself over the table like a WWE wrestler.

She still didn’t get the seat, but she did earn my respect.

They then took turns working the room, mingling with guests, and cutting the cake with the hope of catching Joey’s attention and earning the first dance.

That honor ultimately went to ICU nurse Rachel who danced with Joey while some unknown singer sang to them like always. Hold on…is that…MICHAEL BOLTON?

This season is rich, rich.

After the party there’s an after party

That night they changed out of their gowns and into other dresses for a quieter cocktail hour with Joey.

Kelsey T., Erika, Lauren, Rachel, Joey, Evalin, Taylor, Maria, Jess

Fan favorite, Maria, pulled Joey first which he was totally into. He keeps repeating that Maria keeps him on his toes.

That’s because she’s hot but slightly unhinged, Joey.

No, like, so unhinged that right after Joey told Maria that he doesn’t know anything real about her, she stood up to “put on something more comfortable” and returned in a lace bra and skirt.

He’s putty in her hands. I love her.

The rest of Joey’s night was spent listening to a lot of women cry.

Lauren started it off, by telling him that her dad passed away only 7 months before. She confessed that she was closed off during the date. Grief had hit her like a ton of bricks when she remembered that her dad would never see her real wedding. This was vulnerable moment for Lauren which Joey handled with grace, but those two have no chemistry.

Finally, Jess turned on Joey’s protective side when she cried about the trauma of her past relationship. She was cheated on throughout that relationship so she’s dealing with jealousy over Joey. You know, the same Joey she has known for approximately 24 hours.

He ate that ish up and she got the date rose.

Daisy + Joey = Love

The next day, Joey picked up Daisy (25, San Diego) for the first one-on-one date of the season.

Daisy is getting the whole Disney princess edit. She gets good lighting, swelling orchestral music, and Joey’s full attention.

Joey and Daisy took a helicopter ride to a music festival where they ordered drinks, got matching customized hoodies, and danced on stage while Bahamas performed.

Of course, this is The Bachelor, so while Daisy was having a great time, she was always foreshadowing a secret she needed to tell Joey.

It took until dinner that night, but she finally had the chance to tell him that she suffered from debilitating untreated Lyme Disease for many years which resulted in significant hearing loss.

She now has a cochlear implant to help her hear. However, it’s still difficult to pick out sounds, so she needs to face the person who is speaking and will still struggle to hear in loud spaces.

Obviously, Joey took this incredibly well.

I actually can’t imagine a scenario in which he wouldn’t react well to a moment of vulnerability. It’s his super power.

(That and being hot.)

Daisy got the rose. I think we have a contender.

The second group date got messy

This far into the episode, 10 of the 22 women have had a date with Joey which means its time for another group date with 10 more.

Going on the worst date ever were:

Katelyn (radiochemist)
Allison (Lauren’s sister)
Marlena (worked for Trump)
Chrissa (Canadian)
Autumn (not Joey’s favorite season)
Madina (thinks she’s old at 31)
Starr (has two r’s in her name)
Edwina (first generation immigrant)
Kelsey A. (looks like Princess Buttercup)
Jen (paused PA school to be here)

That means Lea (first impression rose recipient) and Sydney (owns a vintage store) would not get a date at all this week.

The only good thing about this date was that we finally got to see Joey shirtless. Other than that it was guest appearances from Jubilee (Ben’s season) and Demi (Colton’s season) running a bootcamp.

They had to do pushups, and run around throwing paint at each other during a game of capture the heart.

I hate it here.

In the end, the blue team won overall, but only Edwina won the honor of one-on-one time with Joey.

Edwina took advantage of her time, opening up to Joey about the struggle of being the eldest, female child of a West African family. She was perfect, but if Joey doesn’t stop wiping everyone’s tears off their faces I’m going to scream.

She got the rose.

All things fall apart

Finally, it was time for the cocktail party where Joey is supposed to spend some last minute time with each woman before deciding who to send home.

Instead, Lauren (Allison’s sister) self-eliminated in dramatic fashion that included throwing a cake. Basically, she was sad about her dad, knew her sister was a better fit, and wanted the hell out of there.

Respect.

The fun didn’t end there though. Back in the house, Madina was complaining to all of the woman that she needed time with Joey because she’s “the oldest” so her “time is limited” and she has “high stakes.”

Woman, you are 31-years-old and hot as hell. Sit down.

Okay, so basically Maria had the same reaction I did. She thought being ageist towards yourself is stupid and reductive. Maria lives in her skin and she wants everyone else to own who they are as well.

Unfortunately, Sydney (vintage store owner) did not get a date this week so she’s bored and decided to tell Madina that Maria was talking about her.