With The Bachelor behind us and The Bachelorette indefinitely postponed, I suddenly find myself in a very surprising situation. I’m actually looking forward to watching The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart.
Okay, that’s an overstatement; but, three weeks of self-isolation with three young children has lowered my standards to depths they’ve never seen before. If this singing competition/dating show hosted by daddy Bachelor, Chris Harrison is the Mariana Trench of entertainment, then I’m James Cameron. Strap me in a weighted submarine and pressurize me. I can take it.
What I can’t take are the cast bios. Listen, beggars can’t be choosers, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to give them superficial unsolicited advice. You can take a girl out of society, but you can’t the snap judgements out of the girl.
Unsolicited Advice for the Cast of The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart
Bekah, is a self-described music theatre nerd from Washington D.C. Cool, cool, makes sense that she would sign up for a show like this. Wait, what’s that? She’s never been on a date? Ever? And she thought a good first run would be at the hands of The Bachelor producers? My advice is to get yourself arrested trying to hop fences into Kim Kardashian’s yard – like you and your mother like to do. Prison is safer than dating for the first time on this show.
Today, Brandon is an American Folk Pop singer from Nashville, but not long ago he was a U.S. Marine who returned from war to find the love of his life had moved on without him. Hold on, a good-looking veteran/singer? This is Luke Pell light. My advice is to do literally everything opposite of Luke Pell. You’ll thank me later.
Bri is a Pop singer from Provo, Utah who has 6 siblings. If you haven’t put it together yet; yes, she’s allergic to gluten. Oh, and she’s a practicing member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Bri, listen to me, you need to lie to everyone you know and tell them this show was cancelled. It’s one thing to sign up for a The Bachelor‘s singing/dating competition when basically no one was going to watch it. It’s another thing when the entire world is locked inside thanks to a global pandemic. They’re all going to see this. Lie your ass off.
Cheyenne is an R&B singer from Los Angeles who has been single for five years. She’s only 23, but I’m sure that’s been difficult. The important thing to know about Cheyenne is that she likes to walk through IKEA and design her future home. This is the single most important advice I can give: if you want a lasting relationship, never, and I mean never, take your significant other with you on one of those shopping trips. IKEA has destroyed the best of us.
Chris is a Soul singer from Los Angeles whose cast bio fills me with dread. He’s too perfect. The professional wedding singer dedicated his life to pursing his passion for music after the loss of his father. Oh, and he previously worked for UNICEF. Chris, you need to gain as many instagram followers as you can from this mess, and then run for your life. Do not pass go, do not show up in Paradise, save yourself.
Danny is a Singer-Songwriter from Sherman Oaks, CA who has over 1 million followers on social media. Did I mention he has over 1 million followers? Hey, guys, he has 1 million followers. We get it. You can stop now.
Gabe is a Soul/Folk singer from Houston who has custom stationary and is looking for his “Proverbs 31 woman.” You know what, Gabe? Let me know when you find yourself respected at the city gate and then we’ll talk.
Country singer, Jack was born and raised in Brazil with his music missionary family, but now lives in Dallas where he is a single father to his 3 year-old son. Okay, Jack, I see you. Wait, what’s that? He has a tattoo of a necklace “in case he ever forgets his real necklace?” My advice is to never take your shirt off.
Jamie is a Pop Country singer from Nashville who attended the Berklee College of Music. Forget that prestigious pedrigree though, because the real news is that “all she wants is a man to serenade her.” Really, Jamie, that’s all you want? You can do better than that. If all you want is a man to serenade you, are definitely on the right show, but may I suggest booking a party at Chuck E. Cheese next time instead? That robot mouse has pipes and he won’t break up with you on national television.
Josh is divorced former sheriff who quit his old life to become a Country & Pop singer in Nashville. What could possibly go wrong? Turns out he is also known as “The Singing Uber Driver.” I honestly can’t think of anything more annoying than my Uber driver singing to me. Stop that.
Julia is a pageant queen Pop singer from Wayne, Pennsylvania who has cystic fibrosis and a dog named Boo Radley. Anyone who has a dog named after the creepy neighbor in To Kill a Mockingbird gets my vote. My advice is for everyone to be more like Julia.
Mariana is a Pop and R&B singer from Dallas, TX. Yes, just like basically everyone else on this cast. She’s beautiful, enjoys going to museums, traveling, and was raised by her single father. She came straight out of Bachelor casting. My advice is to hold out for a contract to Paradise.
Matt is a Neo Soul artist from Encino, CA who grew up with a professional musician dad. He claims that his longest relationship is with his beard. A perpetually single music artist living in the shadow of his father? Jed, is that you? I have no advice, just existential dread.
Mel is an Indie Rocker from Brooklyn, NY who hates dating apps, but does a mean Seinfeld impression. I don’t even know what she’s going to do with a cast full of country artists, but love has done stranger things. Speaking of stranger things, I’m a little concerned about Mel being in Brooklyn during this pandemic. My advice is to stay home and avoid watch parties.
Michael Todd is a Singer-Songwriter from Atwater, California who has two first names. As a person who has two first names, I don’t trust it. He also made the grave mistake of mentioning his fear of heights in his bio. My advice is to enjoy the bungee jumping date you’re inevitably going to be on, you big dummy. Next time keep that locked down.
Natascha is a Pop singer from Los Angeles who is looking for a mature man who will spoil her with love. She also has two fur-babies named…wait for it…Soleil and Frou Frou. My only advice is to go back in time and rethink that decision.
Ruby the Indie Pop singer from Austin, TX was the youngest fiddle player to perform at the Grand Ole Opry. She’s attracted to intelligence, has performed with Willie Nelson and Lady Gaga and in front of all five living presidents. Can someone check her temperature? I honestly can’t think of another reason why she’d subject herself to this.
Rudi, the R&B singer from San Antonia, TX has never been single for longer 7 months. I have to say that I’m unsurprised since she admits to using her sleeping ex-boyfriend’s finger to break into his phone. Girl, no, stop. It’s one thing to do something that violating. It’s a whole other thing to admit it to strangers who will judge you on the internet – like me.
Hopefully Folk Singer Russell is sheltered in place in NYC like Mel, but if not, at least he has his knife throwing and archery skills to keep him safe. What kind of advice could I possibly give to a man who who once traded guitar lessons for magic lessons? I think he’ll be just fine.
Ryan is a Jazz, Funk, Pop, R&B artist from Dearborn Heights, Michigan. All you need to know about Ryan is that he “found his roots” as an artist on a secluded lake in Novia Scotia. Oh, and he hasn’t had luck in love because he “needs someone to respects his musical aspirations.” We don’t need to know anything else. My advice is to take yourself WAY less seriously.
Supposedly Savannah is an Acoustic Pop singer from Nashville, but we all know the truth. That’s Tia Booth with a nose ring. Whatever you do, don’t chase a virgin named Colton to Paradise. It won’t end well.
Sheridan is an R&B Soul Pop singer from Austin, TX who lives in his car which he has named Sheila. Sorry, Sheridan, we already have one mustached man in Bachelor Nation and you are no Dean Unglert. Please, please prove me wrong.
Trevor is a Country Pop singer from Encino, CA who previously appeared in the top 25 of American Idol. He has a golden retriever named Koda, was a semi-pro hockey player, is an avid surfer and will undoubtedly be my crush on this godforsaken show. My advice is to lockdown your DMs, my new best friend.
That’s the cast of The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart! Will you be watching when it premieres on Monday, April 13th? Don’t lie, you don’t have anything better to do. Let’s talk about our favorites and who we think will couple up in the comments.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.