Welcome to episode nine of the weirdest season of The Bachelorette ever, where it’s somehow time for Tayshia to decide which men will introduce her to their families at hometown dates.
Hometown zooms? Hometown group texts? I don’t know, but I hope someone’s mom cries about line dancing again.
Back to the Two-on-One
When The Bachelorette opened this week, Tayshia Adams was still sandwiched between bougie Bennett, little Noah, and a passive-aggressive gift box filled with used socks and condescension.
Sounds like my ideal holiday situation, honestly.
First up for his scolding was Bennett who Tayshia (through some intense mental gymnastics that I couldn’t quite follow) accused of questioning her integrity. Bennett was like, “Nah, I was too busy explaining the difference between EQ and IQ to the peasants!”
Noah took a different tactic by filling his eyes with tears and telling Tayshia that all he cares about is protecting her from big, meanie Bennett’s snobbery.
Is Bennett a snob? Yes. Does Noah actually care about anyone but himself? Hell no. Is Tayshia predictable when it comes to liking goofy younger guys? YUP.
Unsurprisingly, she sent a shocked and apologetic Bennett home. I, for one, can’t wait to see his wardrobe for Paradise.
Meanwhile, Noah was throwing back Tic Tacs like a freshman at prom waiting for Tayshia to reward him for saving her from a lifetime of luxury and wealth. Alas, while he wasn’t sent home, Noah also didn’t get a rose because Tayshia didn’t want to reward his bad behavior.
She really is ready to be a mom!
Time to Cut Some Dead Weight
Once Bennett left in the SUV of shame, there were 10 men left in the running for Tayshia’s heart and only room for 7. If you remember, addiction specialist Zac and veteran Ben earned date roses last week, so there were 5 roses left for 8 men. Dreamy Brendan wore another turtleneck and attorney Riley planned a one-week anniversary celebration, so they were in. Three to go. Bearded Blake somehow squeaked out a rose, and aeronautical engineer Ivan was clearly getting one. One rose left. Would it go to spin instructor Demar, hot but dumb Spencer, Carlos’s dad Ed, or manipulative genius Noah?
Of course, Tayshia is a stereotypical millennial woman with baggage, so it went to Noah. Just like that, we are down to 7.
Ben Finally Gets His Date
Tayshia finally put Army veteran Ben out of his misery with his first one-on-one date of the season. The poor guy was about to crawl out of his t-shirt, he was that desperate for a date with her. Not that crawling out of his shirt would be difficult – those necklines are very wide. They spent the day on a light-hearted scavenger hunt that Ben, in his Ben way, took way too seriously.
Tayshia also seemed to notice Ben’s serious ways because she asked him about his perfectionism and family history. He blamed it on his upbringing and army career but credited his sister with saving his life. He had mentioned his sister once before in regard to his eating disorder, but this time he shared that he had survived two suicide attempts in recent years. This man has seen some things and come out the other side.
Ben said that intense therapy has saved his life, and thank god for that because Tayshia was useless at responding to his soul-bearing. Instead, she gave him a rose and a private concert by an unrecognizable country artist.
Two Truths and a Lie Bachelorette Style
There are only so many things you can do at a hotel, and they already had the guys fake orgasms over the intercom, so it’s time for a Bachelorette classic group date: the lie detector test. Attorney Riley, addiction specialist Zac, too good for this show Ivan, turtleneck wearing Brendan, and Bennett’s nemesis, Noah took turns getting strapped to a polygraph and asked questions.
Zac admitted to cheating in the past, Brendan lied about being ready to introduce Tayshia to his family, Noah misses his mustache, Ivan is perfect, and Riley even got his name wrong. All in all, it was a super reassuring date activity.
That night, each of the men had a chance to explain themselves. Zac told Tayshia that, yes, he has cheated; but, it was at the Bowlerama in the 6th grade. Oh and he’s falling in love with Tayshia and she feels the same. Cool.
Next up, was Brendan who is terrified the eff out at the idea of introducing his parents to a virtual stranger after his recent divorce. Boy, you are dreamy, but on the wrong show.
Finally, Riley poured out a very sad story about his decision to legally change his name because he shared his birth name with his toxic father. Geez, Bachelorette, what happened to having fun?
In the end, Tayshia decided not to give the date rose, because she wasn’t ready to commit to meeting one of their families yet. Surely that will go over well.
Tayshia was exhausted after her draining day administering fake lie detectors so she was anxious to get back to her room, rinse her mouth out with antiseptic repeatedly, and sleep. But, wait, who could that be by her door? Bougie Bennett that’s who. I guess the guy really did learn the art of negotiation at Harvard.
Tayshia hesitantly let him into her room to talk, and Bennett took his narrow opening and rammed his way in. First, he apologized profusely for making her feel invalidated. Second, he told her that he is in love with her – like actively in love. Third, he assured her that he expects nothing from her, but, like, you should see his benefits package and stock options. I made that last one up.
Tayshia was shook. On the one hand, she wants a man who loves her and who “shows up.” On the other, the guys are going to hate her forever if she lets Bennett come back to the house.
The episode ended like every other decision Tayshia has failed to make this week, in indecision. She told Bennett to let her sleep on it, and all of us have to wait another week to see Noah throw a fit. Rude.
Speaking of next week, The Bachelorette will be back with not one, but two episodes. We’ll find out what happens to Bennett on Monday and we’ll get the Men Tell All special on Tuesday. What, like there’s literally anything better to do? In the meantime, who is in your top four? I feel confident it’ll be Zac, Brendan, Ivan, and Ben heading to hometowns.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.