The Bachelor Recap: Maria Stole the Women Tell All and Joey’s Final Two are Revealed

Heidi

Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions…

What’s better than the Women Tell All episode of The Bachelor?

A Women Tell All episode starring Maria Georgas.

Someone get this woman 30 boyfriends sharing bunk beds in the Bachelor Mansion, stat.

Jesse Palmer is living his best life at Women Tell All

As if daylight savings didn’t already rob us of an hour, the evil overlords at ABC moved Monday’s Women Tell All to 9 pm. Don’t they know I’m old and only stay up late if I’m watching grainy livestreams of Taylor Swift’s surprise songs?

It’s a good thing Jesse Palmer had the enthusiasm of a thousand puppies on Adderall to get things started.

The man loves a live Women Tell All almost as much as he likes speaking in French.

(That’s a lot.)

Jesse greeted the live audience and then played a video package of he and Joey crashing watch parties at sorority houses and millennial’s apartments across the greater L.A. area.

The people love Joey.

The drama started early

Back in the studio, Jesse was joined by Lauren, Allison, Edwina, Starr, Evalin, Taylor, Katelyn, Autumn, Kelsey T., Lea, Sydney, Jess, Madina, Lexi, Jenn, and Maria.

Emphasis on Lea, Sydney, and Jess because the other women came out swinging.

All Jesse had to ask was if they would have made the decision to burn the steal-a-vote advantage like Lea did and it was on.

The women said that Lea was a fake girl’s girl. She was performative, manipulative, and they didn’t appreciate her acting like she did them a favor by burning the advantage.

That quickly devolved into a full attack on Lea for how she handled the Maria and Madina situation.

It got more and more heated until it culminated in Lauren admitting that SHE was the one who told Lea to “shut the f*ck up,” not Maria.

Slow clap for Lauren. She just cemented her spot in Paradise.

Around then was when Sydney poked her head up to say that she just thinks she and Maria communicate very differently.

Maria was like, “You’re right I speak the truth and you make up lies.”

Then Jess tried her best to round out the girl group trifecta but Maria wouldn’t let her say a word to besmirch her. Right around the time when I was beginning to think Jess had a point about Maria interrupting her, unproblematic Lexi spoke up and defended Maria.

Lea was left crying in the hallway, Jess’s flabbers were gasted, and Sydney just sat there looking like she wished she were anywhere else.

Maria 1, everyone else 0.

Hot Seats were tepid

Here’s the thing, usually hot seats are reserved for women who have had their hearts broken by the Bachelor, but every single one of these women would date Joey again if given a chance.

The hot seats were lukewarm at best.

Lexi quit the show during week 6 when she realized that she and Joey weren’t on the same baby making timeline. She’s fine and looking forward to what comes next.

Jenn was tearful after rewatching her goodbye in week 7 but she’s fine now. She talked about how strange it has been watching this show with her Vietnamese mom. Guess what? She’s also looking forward to what comes next.

Finally, Maria took the hot seat where she joked that her dad has a hit out on Joey. She admitted that she was a lightning rod with controversy in the house, but she doesn’t support the hate the other women are getting on her behalf. Then she took one last shot at quashing the beef by awkwardly hugging Sydney and Lea.

Thus ended the Bachelorette audition portion of the evening.

Quick break while we finish last week’s episode

While Jesse took his union mandated 15 minute break, we finally got to see how last week’s fantasy suite dates ended.

Back in Mexico, Joey was still losing his mind over a letter Kelsey had stuck in the door that said she “needed to “talk”.

Was she quitting? Did she have some secret she needed to confess? Well, no, it turns out that she just needed him to know that she misses him when they’re not together.

Woman, what producer talked you into this?

Joey was immediately relieved that Kelsey didn’t have a bigger issue, but it quickly turned into frustration. He was annoyed that she would stress him out over something so petty.

Basically he was bothered that she would trigger his biggest fear (i.e. a note left on his door to dump him) which is understandable. However, the way that he shut her out as a defense mechanism sketched me out.

I think we just found Joey’s first red flag.

And then there were two

In all honesty, anyone who has been paying attention knew exactly how this rose ceremony was going to go. Joey clearly has one (Kelsey) or two (Daisy) real connections, and one who had no future (Rachel).

Daisy got the first rose and Kelsey received the second.

Rachel was going home.

When it came time to say goodbye, Joey told Rachel that he didn’t have feelings of being in love with her but he greatly respects her. He repeatedly said that he wishes her nothing but the best because she deserves it.

Rachel hugged him good-bye while a single tear rolled down her cheek.

Back to work, your break is over

With gentle music and soft words, Jesse welcomed Rachel to the studio where she shared that it has been an emotional few weeks since hometown dates aired.

Apparently a bunch of complete assholes have been harassing her on social media with hate and racism. Why are people such losers?

No one makes fun of this show more than I do, but its a very different thing to harass someone.

Ew.

Anyway, Joey came out and was equally as gentle with her.

I doubt we’ll ever see her on our screens again.

Is Joey okay?

It was all downhill from there as Jesse rounded out the Women Tell All with bloopers and hints about the finale next week. Joey was smiling and sincere, but his smile never seemed to reach his eyes.

Oh no, has Bachelor Nation finally broken him in the way it does all leads at some point in the airing of their season?

Why does anyone agree to go on this show?

Jesse ended the night by ratcheting up the drama when he had Joey leave the studio before the finale trailer. Apparently, “it’s so heart wrenching that he doesn’t want to make him relive it again.”

Put it in my veins.