There Were Fireworks and Tears in Matt’s Fantasy Suites

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Heidi

Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions…

Hold onto your PPE and negative covid results, people. It’s time to get up close and personal for Matt’s Fantasy Suites.

It was touch and go there for a minute, but only two episodes remain in Matt James’s journey to find ~~clout~~ love on The Bachelor. For better or worse, he is going to end up with Bri, Rachael, or Michelle next Monday. Then he’ll undoubtedly be single on Tuesday’s episode of GMA, but let’s enjoy the moment while it lasts.

And by moment, I mean alone time x3 in the fantasy suites. Obviously.

Matt’s Fantasy Suites Will Have to Wait

Before Matt could celebrate International Women’s Day in the fantasy suites, he needed to face his fear of “going deep.” (Pun probably intended.) If you’ve been paying attention to this season you know that Matt’s estrangement from his father caused him to have commitment issues. That can only mean one thing.

Knock, knock, open up! It’s your childhood trauma at the door!

Yep, Matt’s dad is here and he is beaming with pride. Sorry, sir, but Matt’s about to spill all the tea about your past infidelities, other families, and absence from his life. At first, his dad reacted defensively and I got really angry that they were going to let this dude gaslight his kid on national television. However, through the power of Matt’s bravery and vulnerability, a real breakthrough happened. His dad apologized for hurting him and told him that he’d do anything to make sure Matt has a better family life than he gave him.

Matt said that they have a lot of life to live still and he wants to move forward with forgiveness and a fresh start. They wept and hugged and even my cold dead heart was stirred.

Forget the rest of the season, this is a real love story.

Michelle + Matt

Michelle got the first fantasy suite date of the week. We’re using the term “fantasy” loosely here because they spent the day at a traditional Pennsylvania Dutch spa without a qualified massage therapist or esthetician in sight. Instead, they stuck their feet in a vat of oatmeal, rubbed sticks of butter on one another, and soaked in a milk bath. That’s not a fantasy, that’s my kids at breakfast.

That night, Matt and Michelle got vulnerable over dinner. He told her about his dad and she told him that she’s in love with him. Like IN love. He smiled and said, “Thank you for sharing that with me.” Harsh. It didn’t seem to bother Michelle much though because they spent the night in the fantasy suite together and woke up saying their night was an 11 out of 10. Matt said in a voiceover that she set the bar at a place that would be hard to beat.

I believe it, have you seen her biceps?

Bri + Matt

Once housekeeping had the chance to change the sheets, Michelle waltzed back into the resort with a giant smile and thoroughly messed with the collective minds of Bri and Rachael. No one wants to see the person who just spent the night with your boyfriend show up looking that happy. But, hey, this is The Bachelor so suck those reasonable responses to degrading situations all the way up, ladies

Tag, Bri, you’re up!

Bri and Matt went hiking through the woods, built a campfire, and pitched a tent. (That pun was also very much intended.) At dinner that night, Matt also told Bri about his conversation with his dad. Thanks to Bri’s similar childhood experience with her absent father, it only served to convince her that they’re meant to be. She told him that she’s in love with him and he…smiled at her. This dude.

After a night in the fantasy suite, a gleeful Bri said she, “got to know really intimate parts of him.” Hurry, go tell Rachael!

Rachael + Matt

By the time Rachael met up with Matt for their ceramics making date, she was a hot mess. She didn’t even run and jump into his arms when she saw him. In Bachelor Nation, that’s like saying, “I’m fine,” when your boyfriend asks if you’re mad. She’s not okay.

To her credit, she didn’t try to hide it. Instead, she took him aside right away and told him she had the worst week of her life. She begged him to put her out of her misery sooner rather than later. Matt was like, “Yo, no, ever since you almost died on our sky diving date, I realized I actually care about you.” They returned to their ceramics date and the music swelled while they made out like a cheap remake of Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in Ghost.

For some reason that wasn’t clear, they skipped dinner and just went straight to talking on the couch of their fantasy suite. She told him that she’d accept a proposal from him right that moment and his face lit up like we’ve never seen on this season so far. Then literal fireworks exploded in the background while they made out on the bed.

They’re not even trying to be subtle about this anymore.

Rose Ceremony

I don’t think there’s ever been such a beautiful final three in Bachelor history, but that won’t stop one of them from leaving broken-hearted. The first rose went quickly to Michelle and then the world’s longest dramatic pause entered the chat. Sure, it was going to be either Rachael or Bri who went home, but we all know he wasn’t going to send Rachael anywhere – rip the bandaid off!

When Matt finally gave the rose to Rachael, Bri’s whole face dropped. He took her aside and explained that she didn’t do anything wrong, he just felt more strongly for ~~Rachael~~ someone else. She cried silently and said her good-byes with dignity and grace. I’d say Bri for The Bachelorette, but I like her too much for that.