The Bachelor Recap: Joey Graziadei is Everything

Heidi

Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions…

It’s 2024, Gerry the Geriatric Bachelor is married, Bachelorette Charity Lawson took fourth place on that dancing show that ruins relationships, and every single person who left the beaches of Paradise in a relationship broke up. Save us, Joey Graziadei. You’re our only hope.

Who is Joey Graziadei anyway?

When we last saw Joey Graziadei, he was being dumped at The Bachelorette finale altar as Charity’s runner-up. He was sad, but not so sad that he didn’t immediately jump at the chance to be The Bachelor.

You won’t hear me complaining about that.

Joey is a 28-year-old tennis pro from Pennsylvania. He has been living and working in Hawaii for the past several years, but recently returned to Philadelphia. He’s 5’11”, tan, has the type of curly hair that all current junior high boys want, and has this way of staring into someone’s eyes that makes you want to risk it all.

His time on Charity’s season taught us that Joey can be difficult to get to know. He has only ever really been in love once and says that the only lasting example of love in his life comes from his grandparents. His parents are divorced with the added twist that his dad is gay. Most importantly, Joey is the middle sibling sandwiched between two sisters.

Two sisters and a gay dad? There’s no other type of man I trust more.

Apologies ahead of time to Joey’s family; my New Year’s resolution was to spend more time judging the dating lives of people who are both hotter and younger than I am, and I’m a woman of my word.

It’s like an influencer party in here

Things started off with a bang when the episode opened with a Billie Eilish song playing in the background.

Licensed music?! It’s like The Bachelor got a rich step-dad during the break or something.

Anyway, before we knew it Joey was standing on the hosed down driveway while limo after limo pulled up and dropped off women. It’s like the school drop-off line with more sequins and hair extensions.

There were 32 women in all and most of the introductions were boring, but here are the highlights:

Lexi (30, Digital Strategist, Atlanta) was first out of the limos. Oddly, her intro package was all about how she might not be able to have children. We all know that’s the only thing women have to offer. Burn her at the stake!
Lauren (28, Registered Nurse, Philadelphia) beat him at shotgunning a beer.

Maria (20, Executive Assistant, Ontario) arrived with a big personality and a Canadian flag that was inexplicably blurred out. Can flags be proprietary? Does Canada hate us? I need answers.
Autumn (26, Account Executive, Atlanta) asked Joey was his favorite season is (because…Autumn…get it?) and he said “Spring.” Nice one, Joey.
Katelyn (25, Radiochemist, Santa Fe) conducted a little Billy Nye science experiment with Joey to prove they have “good chemistry.”
Jess (24, Executive Assistant, San Diego) showed up on a ski boat that was being towed by a truck because, she “heard he was looking for a new relationSHIP.”

Kayla (27, Guidance Counselor, Ohio) made sex noises from the limo that she called tennis grunts.
Zoe (24, Artist, Atlanta) held out a plate of bananas and asked Joey which size resonated with him.
Daisy (25, Account Executive, Minnesota) drove up in a little red truck hauling a Christmas tree like that one meme.
Taylor (23, Recruiter, Chicago) arrived with, like, a six foot long bra because she want to bring Joey some “massive support.”

I can’t believe we are doing this to ourselves again.

Two is not always better than one

Once all 32 women were safely ensconced inside the Bachelor mansion, Joey gave his welcome speech and they all toasted to him finding his doubles partner.

The tennis puns are unending. Did I forget to mention the woman who exited the limo with dozens of tennis balls because it “took a lot of balls to be there?”

Okay, so Joey started the gauntlet of one-on-one conversations with the women but there were two in particular that are going to cause some household drama.

Because they’re from the same household.

Sisters, guys. They put sisters on this show again.

Okay, so it’s not twins like on Ben Higgins’ season, but anytime we have to hear two sisters argue over who gets to kiss the same man first, I get the ick.

Lauren and Allison (28 and 26 from Philadelphia) tried to keep the news to themselves but after a few hours and a few cocktails the truth came out.

Not before Joey had already kissed Allison and made Lauren jealous though.

Listen, I have a sister. She has excellent taste in men. There’s no chance on Jesse Palmer’s green Earth that I would share a boyfriend with her.

That being said, I hope Joey falls in love with both of them and we get a Sister Wives spin-off.

Joey got to work

Allison wasn’t the only woman Joey felt a connection with on night one. By my calculations he kissed eight women. I swear his eyes just suck them in like tractor beams.

Boat girl Jess, Kat the Physicians Assistant, Daisy who grew up on a Christmas tree farm, Lexi with potential fertility issues, Kelsey A. the Princess Buttercup lookalike, Maria the blurry Canadian, and Lea (more about her later) all got their lips on Joey’s before the night was over.

In fact, Joey kissed so many women that Maria swore she wouldn’t kiss him just to prove a point. Then she spent thirty seconds in his presence and was like, “Never mind, a different me said that and she didn’t know what she was talking about.”

Our boy has game.

The only real drama of the night came from Jess (boat girl) telling all of the other women about getting the first kiss of the season. It rubbed them all the wrong way, but Taylor (massive bra girl) especially hated it.

It was all pretty boring and expected, but based on Taylor’s exaggerated reaction, you can bet that drama will come back in later episodes.

Remember Lea?

Back in August when they announced that Joey would be the next Bachelor they introduced him to a handful of women. One of them (Lea) won a vote from the live audience that gave her an advantage in the season. The only catch is that she couldn’t open the envelope and learn what the advantage was until she was in the mansion.

What is this, Survivor? If Jeff Probst walks out I quit.

Eventually, Lea had her moment with Joey when she opened the envelope and learned that she had earned the chance to steal any one-on-one date before hometowns. The pressure immediately got to her.

She tearfully told Joey that she didn’t want to play god with his season and threw the advantage in the fire.

Ding! Ding! She passed the test. Joey respected her choice so much that he gave her the First Impression Rose.

Joey’s First Rose Ceremony

The sun was halfway in the sky by the time all 32 women were standing on the risers waiting to find out which of them would go home before they had the chance to unpack.

Lea already has a rose thanks to her advantage burning, so the first rose of the night went to younger sister, Allison.

Older sister Lauren was fuming.

Joey went on to hand out 19 more roses before he got to the last rose of the night. He looked across the 11 woman who stood roseless and finally said older sister Lauren’s name.

It was like watching a matador fling a crimson cape at a bull.

Poetry.

In all, 10 women were send home. One of them, a tearful Sandra in day old makeup and sequins, whimpered, “I just don’t want to be a crying meme.”