The Bachelorette Recap: No One Knows What a Bully is
Jenn Tran and her 15 boyfriends are still in Melbourne, Australia for week three of The Bachelorette which means they have officially run out of things to do.
Quick, someone call the Thunder From Down Under guys!
Helicopter Helicopter
You know the drama is about to be turned up when the episode opens with a one-on-one date. It’s like they just needed to get this one out of the way before we got to the good stuff.
Jenn and Spencer (a 30-year-old Pet Portrait Entrepreneur from Dallas) took the requisite Bachelorette a helicopter ride over the Great Ocean Road.
Yes, you read his job title correctly.
I am in the wrong line of work.
Spencer is a certified nice guy all the way down to the rectangle glasses he wears at bedtime. He’s always the one they show interrupting arguments to preach maturity in the house and he’s is good looking but not so hot that he’s intimidating.
Basically he’ll be gone before the final 5.
Not this week though.
This week he earned the date rose by telling Jenn that even though his ex-fiancé cheated on him four years ago, he is ready for love and an engagement.
See you never.
Let’s Get Naked
With the one-on-one behind us there’s only one direction this episode could do.
Down (under).
How so? Well, if there’s one thing The Bachelorette likes to do, it’s force 10 men to perform strip teases in front of a live audience.
Sam x2 (M and N), Devin, Dylan, Thomas, Marcus, Tomas, John, Jonathan, and Grant all had the displeasure of learning some R-rated Magic Mike moves from four shirtless Australian men who I wouldn’t want to corner me in a bar.
After their lesson, they competed in a “Mr. Love Down Under” competition in front of Jenn, two sisters who are on Australia’s version of The Bachelorette, and a live audience of horned up Aussie women.
Obviously there were costumes, stage humping, moaning background noises, and body rolls, but it was the shirt tearing that really got Jenn going.
Or at least it did when Sam M. did it.
As per usual, we laughed the hardest when the men embraced the absurdity, like when Jonathan had “Jenn” written across his cheeks or when Devin performed in a black thong.
We cringed the hardest when the men took it too seriously, like when Sam M. whispered in Jenn’s ear that he wasn’t going to keep things “PG”.
And we wanted to turn the screen off and abandon the show forever when Sam N. the “love virgin” (who had injured his wrist trying to hump the stage earlier) cut the music and used his time in the spotlight to tell Jenn that he was falling in love with her.
That is not the move, Love Virgin.
In the end, Jonathan took the title of Mr. Love Down Under because he’s always down to have a good time.
BRB, I need to go bleach my eyeballs.
No One Knows What a Bully Is
Last week’s drama reared it’s ugly head again at the afterparty when Sam M. (Jenn’s sexual kryptonite) and Thomas N. (Big arms, small head) decided that they were BFF who hate Devin.
Listen, despite what Sam M. wants to believe, Devin is not a bully. He just rubs the bros the wrong way and no one is more bro-ey than Sam M.
We got a little more insight into Devin during his one-on-one time with Jenn when he told her that he was a fat kid. So, sure, he had to fight through his own body insecurities on this naked date, but he also has developed a pretty strong sense of self.
He’s not easily intimidated by gym-bros and the gym-bros hate him for it.
Things got worse when Love Virgin Sam N. apologized to the guys for being cheesy during the competition. Sam M. and Thomas N. laughed in his face and mocked his apology which activated Devin like a sleeper cell spy.
Devin does not like bullies and will not allow bullying to happen around him. So it’s pretty ironic that that’s what Sam M. and Thomas N. have decided to label him.
Then Sam M. crawled onto Jenn’s lap and dry humped her while asking her if she would be his girlfriend. She was all hot and bothered but still has some self-respect so she was like, “Nah, not like this.”
Then she gave Devin the date rose.
That should go over well.
You’ve Got a Fast Car
The last group date of the week took Aaron, Hakeem, Austin and Jeremy to a race track where they competed for the fastest lap.
HAKEEM, AUSTIN, AARON, JEREMY
If the stripper show was awkward, the racing date was boring. Like, sorry Nascar, or whatever, but I don’t care about people driving cars around in circles.
Especially not Americans who can’t drive a stick and have to drive on the wrong side of the road.
Aaron is the only guy in the group who knew what he was doing but he still managed to lose to Austin’s mullet.
Austin reaped the award of time with Jenn involving the hood of a car and her lips on his.
Despite Austin’s driving skills, it was Jeremy who earned the date rose at the after party. I don’t really know why.
The Cocktail Party Gets Messy
Jenn had barely entered the room when Aaron (Noah’s divorced twin brother) hit her with a bomb. He’s leaving the show to go to fighter jet training with the Air Force Reserves.
Jenn and Aaron never had a real connection *cough* producer’s plant *cough* so she took it well. In fact, she was appreciative of his honesty and told him that she would make the same decision if the roles were reversed.
Then he looked her dead in the eyes and told her that not all of the men left are there for the right reasons or ready for marriage.
But he refused to say who.
Jenn was rightfully furious and told him that it was cruel not to tell her.
Aaron looked a little panicked, but he knew his role well so he stuck to his guns as she walked him out of the house.
When she returned to the rest of them men, she announced what he had said and told them all to figure their shit out.
Then she made out with Sam M. some more.
Finally, the Rose Ceremony
At the rose ceremony, Devin, Jeremy, and Jonathan were already safe with their date roses and Aaron was gone. That left 11 men roseless and only 9 to to hand out.
Two of the men were going home that night.
We barely know any of these dudes other than Sam M. and Devin so it didn’t matter that much when Hakeem and Tomas got the cut.
Sorry to those men.
Next week, Jenn and her 12 remaining boyfriends will be joined by a mystery man. Is it someone from Jenn’s past? Someone who already left the season? Chris Harrison coming back for his final revenge?
It doesn’t matter, we’re going to watch it anyway.
